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I'm a person that values socioeconomic status very highly. You can say that I'm elitist.
In general, I only surround myself with people that are upper middle class or higher OR aspire to this goal. I cannot have deep friendships or relationships with poor people.
Really, really bad way to think. Money in no way determines a person's quality. I know plenty of people who are highly educated and great to be around who will never earn a big paycheck.
The problem is, if you're friends with people who are broke all the time they'll always be hitting you up for money. This is very awkward & not something I enjoy going through.
It's quite tricky when living on an income that doesn't really let you own a car. I usually refuse when people offer me rides, because I feel too "asymmetrical" or dependent. Eventually the awkwardness goes away when people learn that they will never talk me into accepting rides even when the alternative is walking 2-3 MILES. I still refuse. Yes, even in cold, heat, rain, snow, whatever. I'm very old school - my rule is, you live within your means, not within someone else's means
I have many many friends that do not drive for various reasons: cost, lifestyle, or a combo of both. I do drive. I offer rides when it makes sense, it is not a big deal. Definitely if you are on the way, or not a big detour. After 5 miles probably not, but those cases don't happen in my circles. Another option is dropping someone off at the train station.
I don't think it is a big deal, but there are also other things you can do as a non-driver to be helpful: chip in for parking, bridge tolls and a few dollars for gas on far trips.
You don't need to torture yourself out of pride. Grabbing a ride sometimes isn't living outside of your means. Expecting people to cart you around is another story.
The problem is, if you're friends with people who are broke all the time they'll always be hitting you up for money. This is very awkward & not something I enjoy going through.
One of my best friends has hit me up for money quite a few times, but he's ALWAYS paid me back. I have no problem with it for that reason.
It's when they never pay you back that it becomes a major issue.
I do some volunteer work at a local organization that teaches job skills/computer skills to mostly low income women. Many of these women are really good people who have a lot of drive to succeed and who have just had some really unlucky breaks in life. Many of them are intelligent, fun to be around, etc.
But without exception, they are financially strapped. They simply don't have expendable income. I do. When I teach the classes, I have to be sure to keep my various activities that require expendable income sort of "secret." Not that I'm ashamed of them at all, but I am trying to connect with these women, and since I have "been there done that" when it comes to being poor and uneducated and feeling trapped by my circumstances, we do share some common ground.
But I have to keep in mind that things like going out to eat with girlfriends on a regular basis, shopping at boutiques or as a way to fill some free time/recreation, going on nice vacations, spending $100 at a salon, taking kids or grandkids to a big water park or to the beach, going to a fancy French restaurant with my husband, in fact, not having to work and instead having the luxury of volunteering when I want to or spending all day working on crafts, that sort of thing - those are not typical elements of their lives - even though, as I type them out, they seem extremely middle class to me (and that would be correct, since I am a middle class sort of person - LOL).
While I can talk about all those pleasantries with my circle of friends, if I mention those things to the women in the job skills classes, I run the risk of alienating them. So I limit my conversations about my own activities outside of class to things that I know they can relate to. I mean, as women, mothers, etc we have plenty of common ground so that's not hard. I also am careful about what I wear to class. Since part of my class is dressing professionally in a white collar work place, I need to model that behavior, but I also need to keep my own clothes in the "affordable" category. Invariably, the women in the class ask me where I got some outfit or a pair of shoes. I make sure that I can tell them that I got it at Ross, or at a resale shop, or on eBay, something like that -something that is within their reach.
One of the fun things we do in the class is this: as a group, we go shopping at local resale shops one day. (We get vouchers from the resale shops as part of the program.) Well, even though most of the women are low income, some are "better off" than others, and invariably a group within the group wants to go out to eat lunch. For some of the women, especially after a morning of shopping and spending usually more than the vouchers cover, this is a luxury they just can't engage in. There is always some awkwardness about this.
So - with my own friends, if I find a pair of Dansko shoes on sale for $70 - I can brag about that. But none of these women would be able to spend even $70 on a pair of shoes. So I don't wear those shoes to class. I wear the ones I found on eBay for $25. I don't talk with them about the fun visit we had with friends from Belgium, who bought us gourmet chocolates and who gave me a bottle of Chanel #5 as a hostess gift. Instead I talk about going to the lake for Memorial Day with another set of friends.
I love the women in the class. But there's a huge difference in the conversations I share with board members and the conversations I share with the students. I can relate to both groups but they are very different and while there is a lot of mutual respect between the two groups, they don't hang out together after class.
An example of how income affects things would be this: I go to a local painting class about once a quarter. It costs about $45 for a class. The women on the board often do this sort of thing. The women in the classes can't imagine spending $45 on an art class when their kids need shoes instead. So I'm just not likely to run into any of the students from the job skills program in the class, but I'm very likely to run into a fellow volunteer or board member there.
I love the women in the class. But there's a huge difference in the conversations I share with board members and the conversations I share with the students. I can relate to both groups but they are very different and while there is a lot of mutual respect between the two groups, they don't hang out together after class.
An example of how income affects things would be this: I go to a local painting class about once a quarter. It costs about $45 for a class. The women on the board often do this sort of thing. The women in the classes can't imagine spending $45 on an art class when their kids need shoes instead. So I'm just not likely to run into any of the students from the job skills program in the class, but I'm very likely to run into a fellow volunteer or board member there.
Great detailed post IRL situations. Yes money can affect the level of one's friendship, especially when it comes to actually going out in the real world instead of just only being friends who never hang out or do things that are always free.
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Originally Posted by Stockyman
Great detailed post IRL situations. Yes money can affect the level of one's friendship, especially when it comes to actually going out in the real world instead of just only being friends who never hang out or do things that are always free.
yes, you are absolutely correct. Been there, done that. I used to have a friend that always wanted to go out and do stuff that costs money. It got to the point I didn't want to be financially strapped anymore and sinking into debt because of it. Then after making excuses of not participating, he tries to buy my friendship by offering to pay with no intention of paying him back. Well things got awkward and refused to be seen as a money moocher so had to stop being friends with him. I'm perfectly content hanging out at someone's house or anything that doesn't require spending money all the time . Don't get me wrong, I'm not a cheapskate. I don't mind spending money going out occasionally, just not ALL the time.
Also, friendships involve a lot of swapping stories, life issues, etc, difficult to relate how a friend is saving to get their transmission repaired when you have a $70,000 car in your garage and you just came back from a three week trip traveling through Europe, and going out next weekend on a deep sea fishing trip that cost $550.
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Yes money can affect the level of one's friendship, especially when it comes to actually going out in the real world instead of just only being friends who never hang out or do things that are always free.
