I dont like my brother in law (boyfriend, siblings, sister)
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I could never betray my family like that they depend on new but I still wish my sister would get rid of him
But they are betraying you by treating you like this.
They are not going to change.
Quote:
Originally Posted by upsadaisy
I guess there arent a way to fix my problem besides me moving out but thats not a option. I guess I just wanted to vent since I just feel so angry right now
There are ways to fix your problem. I think it would be a healthy choice for you to make a plan for the future. If nothing else call a help line and possibly they can give you some recommendations and lead you to some good resources.
Others have offered you a lot of really good advice. I have nothing to add to it, other than to reiterate that it's hard for you to step back from your current situation and see the big picture, and imagine your long term future. Becuase you're young and you've been traumatized. A message board full of strangers can tell you are intelligent, articulate, compassionate and kind. You deserve so much better. But you are the only one who can make that happen.
Your story breaks my heart. I wish I could do something for you, and give you a big hug. You deserve better than this. I hope you continue to update and come here for support. Your family wants you to think you're worthless and crazy so that you'll be too broken and depressed to ever leave them. They are wrong. You know that. You are not worthless or crazy. We all know it too.
If you leave they will HAVE to take care of the kids. Who takes care of them while you are working? Your mother will have to sober up, and your sister and her husband will have to get off their butts. And if they don't, then the children will be better off in foster care until you can offer them a home.
Think of the alternative. If you do nothing more than maintaining the current status quo, in 10 years, what will be different? Your sister will have more children. Your siblings will still have a drunk mother, and you will still be no more in a position to offer them a better future than you are in now.
Your sister and your mother do not have to lose their children. That is up to them. They can agree to supervision by CPS while they clean up their acts.
Excellent post.
Another thing to think about is that reports to CPS are confidential. After having serious concerns about a neighbor I reported what I had seen and heard a few months ago to CPS. The children were not removed from the home but the family is obviously getting some type of help and it is working as I do not hear the parents screaming and cursing at their children anymore and then the children screaming & crying (presumable after being hit) and other disturbing things that I had heard or observed have stopped or greatly decreased.
Although, I had not discussed this with anyone else, from comments that I have overheard or that were said to me, I believe that at least two other neighbors had also reported them to CPS. So Upsdaisy, unless your family lives where no neighbors or a landlord or a mail carrier or anyone else can ever see or hear them they would have no reason to assume that you called CPS.
The thing is, you don't know what will happen if you leave. Right now you are a bandaid. An enabler. I get you love the kids, your heart is in the right place. But being there isn't making things better for them in the long run. It's making it worse. Their parents need to step up and parent or lose their kids.
So something about foster care. Foster homes are getting better! Many countries have closed their doors to international adoption and less babies are being placed for adoption in the US. That means many loving and dedicated people are heading towards being foster parents as a road to parenthood. But the longer you stay, the older they get and the less likely they will find a good foster home.
Are you going to stay the family punching bag to raise all of these kids plus the ones they have after this? You could easily be raising this set until you are 40...and then maybe a new generation after. Are you going to give your life to this cause? Or do you want something better for yourself? Like your own kids? Or a real career? Or a husband that treats you well?
You cannot take your nephew with you. And it wouldn't be in his best interest, nor yours, to do so. You need to get YOUR life in order, as much as the other members of your family do. You nephew needs a stable home. You can't offer him one, any more than his own parents don't seem able to.
Think long term Upsadaisy. Nothing will get better in a month, or 6 months. But you can start on the one person who wants to change here, and it's you. If you really fear for your siblings or nephew, you have an obligation to make a CPS report.
Upsadaisy, I see you say you attend church regularly. Please, please, talk to someone you trust at your church and ask for help and guidance. You are too young to be facing problems of such magnitude alone, without any wise mentors.
You must get away from your family in order to start helping your siblings and nephew. It will be hard, and it will seem at first as if it just made things worse, but it is absolutely the first step you must take. I don't think there has been anyone who has replied who didn't say this! Call someone from your church today!
Surely, there is an elderly person in your church who needs a live-in companion, or someone willing to rent you a room.
Your next paycheck needs to go to that. By continuing to support this crowd of neer-do-wells, you are ensuring that your nieces and nephews will never have a better life.
Your relatives will figure this out or social services will step in.
Surely, there is an elderly person in your church who needs a live-in companion, or someone willing to rent you a room.
Now that's a good idea....that is, as long as she doesn't allow her family to bring their drama to her place and annoy or even endanger the elderly person.
Surely, there is an elderly person in your church who needs a live-in companion, or someone willing to rent you a room.
Your next paycheck needs to go to that. By continuing to support this crowd of neer-do-wells, you are ensuring that your nieces and nephews will never have a better life.
Your relatives will figure this out or social services will step in.
You've done all you can do.
I know someone who did that. He had a free place to live (his own bedroom & could use the kitchen) and all he did was about five or to ten hours a week of doing odd jobs and running errands for the elderly man. I think that the elderly man just did not want to be alone in his house and wanted some company as he would sometimes invite my friend to join him for the evening meal.
I knew someone else who helped a physically disabled friend get ready every morning, about 1 1/2 hours each day, and also had free rent & free utilities in her home.
It can be hard to find situations like this this but if you don't look you will never find one.
I agree that you must never allow your family to bug or annoy or endanger the person that you live with. It probably would be best to keep the address to yourself.
I agree that you must never allow your family to bug or annoy or endanger the person that you live with. It probably would be best to keep the address to yourself.
Agree.
With any luck at all, the OP will find someone willing to mentor, or at least help her figure out a better life for herself.
Fingers crossed.
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