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Anyways, I think it's the fact that she's using inheritance money to buy this stuff, and as soon as it's gone I know she's going to come to me for help and I'm forseeing myself blowing up just THINKING about it.
You may answer this further down the thread, so forgive me if I'm being redundant - I haven't read the whole thread.
When you say "inheritance money," do you mean money that she inherited, or money that you hope to inherit?
Either way - it's her money.
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As another example, when my birthday came around she sent me not one, not two, but 5 birthday cards in the mail. Each had gift certificates (Starbucks, Panera Bread, etc.)...some to stores not even in my area. Totaling over $300. But my point is I told her before my birthday not to send me any money. So she sent money in the form of gift cards instead. But when she came to visit me in July she didn't have all the money to get back to her hometown at the time and she has one major item in her house that needs fixing that's needed fixing for yearrssssss that her house could probably be condemned for...yet she's sending me gift cards. This is the kind of thing that's driving me crazy
Don't subsidize her lifestyle. DO. NOT. DO. IT. But let her live her own life and do her own thing with her own money.
It's just the amount of stuff I keep getting, the frequency of it, the fact that I've requested it stop and...
...of course the fact that money she doesn't have is being used to purchase these things that is really grinding my gears right now.
She left a bunch of stuff of her own here from her visit in July because she overpacked and is requesting I ship it back to her now. I thought about throwing the stuff she left for me right into that box but I guess I'll just start donating it.
Don't ship it back to her. Tell her she can get it when she comes for the next visit. Either that or send it back to her this time, along with the bill (which I wouldn't think she will pay, so blow that off), and let her know that this is the last and only time you will be mailing stuff back to her. Tell her that you will take her to the post office before she leaves next time so SHE can pack up and mail her own stuff back to herself.
You are going to have to train her - not on how to spend her money, but on what she expects from you. You're only responsible for your own actions, not hers.
Why do you feel the need to make a big deal out of it or upset your mom with a rejection of her gifts? Why don't you just say "Thanks, Mom," and then give the stuff to Goodwill or the Salvation Army when she leaves?
The bigger issue is your anger at your mom, not the stuff she gives you.
Because it's not exactly a small issue. I don't know if you read the whole thread but my mother is unemployed and spending inheritance money on this "stuff". When we went on a trip in July she didn't have all the money to get back to her place. These are very small examples of how money is being spent on stuff when it shouldn't be.
Fine if this didn't affect me in any way but:
1. I have asked multiple times over and over that she stop and she hasn't
2. I'm going to be the one she comes to when all the money is gone
3. She desperately needs to hold on to her money as she has very important things going wrong in her home she needs to focus her attention on fixing instead of sending random stuff to me and others
....and the list goes on. I wouldn't be posting this if I were simply "annoyed" by this issue and believe me, I am annoyed and yes, it's starting to make me angry too. But for good reason.
Trust me...I'd rather be apathetic about all this and just let it all go. That's where everyone else that was in her life is at with her about things. But if I still get angered by something she's doing it's not because I'm being unreasonable; it's because I still care enough about her to want to see her do the RIGHT things for herself and change in a GOOD way.
It's just the amount of stuff I keep getting, the frequency of it, the fact that I've requested it stop and...
...of course the fact that money she doesn't have is being used to purchase these things that is really grinding my gears right now.
She left a bunch of stuff of her own here from her visit in July because she overpacked and is requesting I ship it back to her now. I thought about throwing the stuff she left for me right into that box but I guess I'll just start donating it.
It's hard when there is a familial attachment. I do think there is some "properly assembled" issues with her. What I would do is take the stuff and get rid of it to the place of your choice, and never say another word to he about it.
It's super painful when someone tells you they don't want what you are offering. My mother makes quilts and has probably given me 50, plus some pillows. I cannot ever tell her to stop because it would hurt her too much. There is a difference, yes, this is her craft. But no one needs that many quilts. But I could never tell her not to make me another because of how she would feel. I keep them all.
But the items yours is gifting you with are a little bizarre. I would still accept the offerings and then discard what you don't want.
You may answer this further down the thread, so forgive me if I'm being redundant - I haven't read the whole thread.
When you say "inheritance money," do you mean money that she inherited, or money that you hope to inherit?
Either way - it's her money.
Don't subsidize her lifestyle. DO. NOT. DO. IT. But let her live her own life and do her own thing with her own money.
Money she inherited when my grandfather passed away.
I know it's her money...
I had my Aunt tell me that when my grandfather passed away. Even my mom said that to me as well when I told her I'd like to try to help her preserve the money to make it last for her as long as possible since she wasn't working (and in the middle of a foreclosure at the time).
Everyone wants to tell me how it's her money...it's true. But they're also not the ones she's been going to for money in the past...that would be me.I have an obvious vested interest in trying to get her to keep as much of it as she can for as long as she can.
These money wasters are adding up fast....I guess the bottom line here is I'm becoming very annoyed over a situation I feel impacts me that I have no control over.
Because it's not exactly a small issue. I don't know if you read the whole thread but my mother is unemployed and spending inheritance money on this "stuff". When we went on a trip in July she didn't have all the money to get back to her place. These are very small examples of how money is being spent on stuff when it shouldn't be.
Fine if this didn't affect me in any way but:
1. I have asked multiple times over and over that she stop and she hasn't
2. I'm going to be the one she comes to when all the money is gone
3. She desperately needs to hold on to her money as she has very important things going wrong in her home she needs to focus her attention on fixing instead of sending random stuff to me and others
....and the list goes on. I wouldn't be posting this if I were simply "annoyed" by this issue and believe me, I am annoyed and yes, it's starting to make me angry too. But for good reason.
Trust me...I'd rather be apathetic about all this and just let it all go. That's where everyone else that was in her life is at with her about things. But if I still get angered by something she's doing it's not because I'm being unreasonable; it's because I still care enough about her to want to see her do the RIGHT things for herself and change in a GOOD way.
What do you mean by "inheritance money?" Is this money that she inherited, or money you hope to inherit?
You really can't control how she spends her money. That's a useless endeavor on your part, unfortunately. It's her money and her life and unless she's declared incompetent and someone else given control over her finances, she's going to spend her money the way she wants to and you simply will not be able to change that, no matter how good your intentions are.
1. The next time she gives you something, I would just say, "I really wish you wouldn't spend this kind of money on me," and then I'd just give it away.
2. I would clarify to her - at some other time, not when she's giving you a gift - that you will be saving for your own retirement and that you do not plan to be helping her out financially. Make this very clear, and then stick to your guns. That's really all you can do.
3. Her house, her life, her money, her health. Sorry, but like I said, as long as she's not declared incompetent, you aren't going to be able to force her or cajole her to be more fiscally responsible or to take better care of herself. I understand that this is irritating to you, but I think part of that mix of emotions is because you are afraid the responsibility for her well being and her home are going to fall in your lap. You do not have to accept either of these. Neither her home nor her health are your responsibility. What I think you SHOULD do is make this very clear to her now, before they are an issue.
As I already stated, I have clearly told her I do not want the items and on occasion have given some of them back and flat out not accepted others. That's not quite putting up with the behavior now is it? Especially when someone has resorted to hiding the things in your house until you discover them later because they KNOW you won't accept the items if they gave them to you. How is that enabling?
It isn't.
If you want to continue the discussion about another thread of mine I kindly advise you post about it in the other thread.
Awww, that was kinda rude, JustaGuy. Bringing up her dating issues is rude, but also out of context. Stay on point.
Money she inherited when my grandfather passed away.
I know it's her money...
I had my Aunt tell me that when my grandfather passed away. Even my mom said that to me as well when I told her I'd like to try to help her preserve the money to make it last for her as long as possible since she wasn't working (and in the middle of a foreclosure at the time).
Everyone wants to tell me how it's her money...it's true. But they're also not the ones she's been going to for money in the past...that would be me.I have an obvious vested interest in trying to get her to keep as much of it as she can for as long as she can.
These money wasters are adding up fast....I guess the bottom line here is I'm becoming very annoyed over a situation I feel impacts me that I have no control over.
But you DO have control over it. You do not "owe" it to your mom to help her out financially if or when she burns through her money. You do not have to (and probably have never had to) give her money when she "needs" it.
You're going to have to get tough and let her feel the natural ramifications of her actions.
It's hard when there is a familial attachment. I do think there is some "properly assembled" issues with her. What I would do is take the stuff and get rid of it to the place of your choice, and never say another word to he about it.
It's super painful when someone tells you they don't want what you are offering. My mother makes quilts and has probably given me 50, plus some pillows. I cannot ever tell her to stop because it would hurt her too much. There is a difference, yes, this is her craft. But no one needs that many quilts. But I could never tell her not to make me another because of how she would feel. I keep them all.
But the items yours is gifting you with are a little bizarre. I would still accept the offerings and then discard what you don't want.
I'm sure my brother simply throws every single thing away...I'm absolutely sure of it.
But I try to at least tell her how I feel...that way she knows.
I've never yelled at her about it but I have said things like, "You know, you've given me a lot of [x]. I think I have enough of [x] now. I'd like you to stop giving me [x]."
Nowadays I'll also throw in something along the lines of, "I know you haven't worked in a long time and I've heard you complain that you're not sure how much longer money will last for you. I think you should stop buying [x] and gifting me [y] so you'll have the money you need for bills."
It goes in one ear and out the other.
I will admit; if it was something like quilts she was handmaking, I'd have a harder time with it. For instance, typically if she gives a photograph I'm fine with that. I may not even hang it up anywhere but at least I will keep it. But photography is my hobby; and photographs are one of the few material things I place a high value on.
I hope I haven't hurt her feelings but I probably have at some point about this stuff. I am human. Shoot, my feelings are hurt too. I feel like she could not care less that she's putting herself into a bad situation in which her backup plan is to ask me to help her out of it. I don't think that's fair at all.
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