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time to put your big girl shoes on and go buy that pink appliance
seriously, let it go
thank him for his concern.... he might mean well..
the important thing is this....if you are comfortable in your own skin,,,,this silly stuff rolls right off you
he may still look at you as a young girl......and he means well ..
you go all out feminazi on him.. you may win the battle ...but will feel bad for a longggg time
do your own thing and smile.....
The thing is that she can to both--she can assume that he means well and also use this as an opportunity to let her relative know that he worded things in such a way that she felt he didn't respect her skills. When you know better, you do better. Maybe this isn't really a hill to die on, but everyone telling a woman to just let latent sexism go is rather unnerving.
The thing is that she can to both--she can assume that he means well and also use this as an opportunity to let her relative know that he worded things in such a way that she felt he didn't respect her skills. When you know better, you do better. Maybe this isn't really a hill to die on, but everyone telling a woman to just let latent sexism go is rather unnerving.
miss fleet ...
at a recent family gathering... my son and my neice both mentioned they are looking to buy a new (used) car...
well, that usually evokes lots of advice from any peanut gallery,,
but those that offered advice addressed both of them,,, because they were young ,,,,not because of gender
I could be off base,,,,but I'm thinking the ops uncle would have said the same thing if she was male.. its because she is young not because she is a helpless "girl"
of course he could be an old sexist/chauvenist pig... I'm just saying he could have meant well,,,
ive had many older women in our family talk to my son and his male cousins about cooking ...like hes never even boiled water ...with the dismissive "you boys don't have a clue in the kitchen"
now should he get offended by that ??????
no its old people and they are apt to say anything
To make a long story short, a male relative that I see a few times a year said something I find offensive and annoying in an email he wrote to me. It may not be a big deal to a lot of you, but it is to me. He basically indicated that I should check with my father on how much electricity a potential new appliance would use so I can determine whether it's cost effective or not. Basically, he's suggesting that as a woman, I am not capable of calculating the kWh the appliance will use and how much it will cost to run it per year. I find that offensive. This is 2016, not 1940. Women are very capable of doing anything a man can do. In fact, I do several home repairs myself and probably know more about tools than this male relative. I'm actually suprised at him. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, but I expected more from a 50 year old<snip> man. I thought he would be liberated enough not to think like that. Even my 80 year old uncle knows better than that.
I'm supposed to respond back to this relative, but I cannot bring myself to do so without mentioning that what he said was offensive to me. So my choices are to ignore the email or find a way to politely tell him I was offended.
Suggestions? The email was sent five days ago and I'm still annoyed by it. I usually get over stuff pretty quickly.
You have a real problem and I don't think it is your male relative or what he said.
You got offended because you wanted to be offended. He couldn't possibly do that to you.
You could have heard it all as just a guy giving guy type advice innocently and responded differently - but, no - you chose to take it all the way you did. Did he start the email with 'you are a girl and obviously stupid and ignorant so this is what you have to do'? If not .. let it go, for crying out loud.
If you are not willing to do that, perhaps you can find a local 'safe space' where you can cry in peace without criticism.
(signed .. an old lady who also knows how to figure those things out too .. and who owns far more tools than any guy she knows . and she knows how to use them as well! - but who is NOT on your side here - you just sound as though you want to be miserable!)
Last edited by Miss Blue; 11-16-2016 at 06:15 AM..
I get it. I'm in a (mostly) all male environment. You really have to let it roll off. I hate to say "get used to it" because you obviously aren't seeing that attitude on a consistent basis. But it comes from all directions, even other women. It's nearly daily for me but then I prove myself and I get employee of the quarter, etc. (of course there are those who will always think a woman sleeps her way to the top)
I think it just took you by surprise and didn't sink in until later. Too bad you didn't have a snappy come back right away. Then your uncle probably would have realized his faux pas. As it was you could get it off your chest - if he's a beloved uncle he would rather be given a chance to apologize.
And I get it, too. It felt discriminatory and, if anyone wouldn't do that it would be someone who understands how it feels to be discriminated against.
To make a long story short, a male relative that I see a few times a year said something I find offensive and annoying in an email he wrote to me. It may not be a big deal to a lot of you, but it is to me. He basically indicated that I should check with my father on how much electricity a potential new appliance would use so I can determine whether it's cost effective or not. Basically, he's suggesting that as a woman, I am not capable of calculating the kWh the appliance will use and how much it will cost to run it per year. I find that offensive. This is 2016, not 1940. Women are very capable of doing anything a man can do. In fact, I do several home repairs myself and probably know more about tools than this male relative. I'm actually suprised at him. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, but I expected more from a 50 year old<snip> man. I thought he would be liberated enough not to think like that. Even my 80 year old uncle knows better than that.
I'm supposed to respond back to this relative, but I cannot bring myself to do so without mentioning that what he said was offensive to me. So my choices are to ignore the email or find a way to politely tell him I was offended.
Suggestions? The email was sent five days ago and I'm still annoyed by it. I usually get over stuff pretty quickly.
I hear ya. I get the same thing sometimes. He probably didn't mean anything by it.
As for his being gay, you'd think he'd think twice about sexist remarks, but I have a male<snip> friend, and he's worse than any straight man I've known in his sexist thinking. I guess the lesson is: a male is a male is a male.
BTW, no one has to calculate anything, I THINK. I think appliances these days give the estimated cost of use for one year, if it's an energy savings appliance. I know refrigerators do. It'll be in the user's guide or on the tag.
As for his email, I would simply reply with the estimate cost of energy to use the appliance for one year, and tell him where that info is from. I would not directly mention the father thing. Like, I'd say, "The user's guide says the estimated cost of use for it is $38 per year." And let it go at that.
I wouldn't ask anyone for their opinion on estimated use. You'd get a different answer from every person. I'd go straight to the company or the documentation with the appliance. It includes in the estimate the average number of hours of use, and such. Of course, you could calculate it yourself, too. If so, then say that in your reply email. "I calculated that the estimated cost of use per year would be $38, assuming I use it for X hours per year," etc. If it's a fridge, the avg cost is given with the appliance.
Some men are trying to be helpful, and are going by their experiences with other females. I'm female and a bit of a handyma'am, and detail oriented, as well as independent. But most females I've known are not. They really do just go to their male relatives for a lot of things. It's hard being male and trying to be helpful, sometimes, and not knowing if they'll offend or not.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 11-16-2016 at 06:19 AM..
Reason: deleted your orphaned response
Location: In a rural place where people can't bother me ;)
516 posts, read 430,682 times
Reputation: 1009
Ok, so heres the deal. I would reply ASAP and do so with diligence and integrity and do not mention the fact that it offended you, directly anyways. I would make it obvious that you know how to make the calculation yourself by simply laying out how you did so in the e mail and the last words in the e mail should be along the lines of
If I gave a young relative or friend advice and she suggested I was sexist for doing so:
1. That would be the last time I gave her advice
2. I'd be less inclined to spend time with her in the future
Life's way too short for this crap. Assume the best of people rather than the worst and life will be a lot more enjoyable both for you and the people you know.
Yes, this x1000. OP, everyone isn't out to offend.
I guess he could have said "Ask your mother, it's her job to be in the kitchen."
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