At dinners where the same people never help pay the bill (holiday, conversation)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think if OP felt like her husband was appreciated & valued by his family, she would not be so outraged about the money part. The family dynamic is Mom (& her BF) are not paying for the restaurant dinner, nor hotel, nor rental car. OP is not going be able to change a family dynamic. I would count myself lucky, even if you think the divy is unfair, that your MIL is NOT plunking down at your place as a hotel. I imagine your husband does.
OP, I would just say to your husband that it hurts to see him not be appreciated. And then not say another thing ever again. If he does not have you complaining about the money part, he will likely see it better. It might take time. Or he already does see it but choses to not acknowledge it, which is perhaps how he copes.
My advice is support your husband with how he wants to handle matters with his family with the expectation that he will do the same for you regarding yours. This is amount of money is not placing you in a precarious financial position. It is not worth the ill will with your husband, is it? If it is, then you may wish consider splitting up.
She and her boyfriend stayed with us for 2 weeks a week after my first child was born. It was awful...they sat on the couch for 2 weeks watching tv and didnt do s h i t. They showed up when my son was a week old. My dh was actually pretty pissed this time and just wanted them out of the house. Id just had a baby but my dh and i still had to get them all their meals and clean up after them. It was a baaad idea.
Why would we invite them to the house when we just go see them at BILs? And again how would they get here? Should dh drive 45 min to pick them up bring them here then bring them back?
If i had it my way id just want MIL coming out once around xmas for a week and once in the summer for a week. That's how normal people tend to do trips. I dont know anyone else who has family stay with them for a month twice a year.
Last edited by elysium78; 01-10-2017 at 07:08 PM..
Reason: Added
She and her boyfriend stayed with us for 2 weeks a week after my first child was born. It was awful...they sat on the couch for 2 weeks watching tv and didnt do s h i t. They showed up when my son was a week old. My dh was actually pretty pissed this time and just wanted them out of the house. Id just had a baby but my dh and i still had to get them all their meals and clean up after them. It was a baaad idea.
Why would we invite them to the house when we just go see them at BILs? And again how would they get here? Should dh drive 45 min to pick them up bring them here then bring them back?
If i had it my way id just want MIL coming out once around xmas for a week and once in the summer for a week. That's how normal people tend to do trips. I dont know anyone else who has family stay with them for a month twice a year.
Why? Because....
Quote:
Originally Posted by elysium78
For the record i dont hate my mother in law. I think her 4 to 5 week stays 2 to 3 times a year with her boyfriend are a PITA though. We can never just get together with just her when shes her. It also has to involve BIL, his wife and kids and his MIL and of course 35 year old do nothing. It it overwhelming especially now that we have 2 kids. And yes I HATE that even though dinners include all these people the bill is just split between us and BIL (S).
No one else is my situation except me. For those of you who dont get it, so be it but if it were your money and you never got anything in return you might be pissed too. These people are not my children. I kept quiet for a while but i basically let DH know how I feel over the past few months. Even if it's not this whole group when we go out it often involves 35 year old brother and BILs mother and they never pay...dont even chip in.
Quote:
And again how would they get here?
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
So you've never actually invited them. Do they drive? Could they drive one of BIL's cars? Rent a car for a day? Take a bus/train? You could offer to host for a weekend and pick her up? All kinds of options for making an effort to include her in your family.
Quote:
If i had it my way id just want MIL coming out once around xmas for a week and once in the summer for a week. That's how normal people tend to do trips.
They aren't staying with you so your way is irrelevant! "Normal" varies.
She and her boyfriend stayed with us for 2 weeks a week after my first child was born. It was awful...they sat on the couch for 2 weeks watching tv and didnt do s h i t. They showed up when my son was a week old. My dh was actually pretty pissed this time and just wanted them out of the house. Id just had a baby but my dh and i still had to get them all their meals and clean up after them. It was a baaad idea.
Why would we invite them to the house when we just go see them at BILs? And again how would they get here? Should dh drive 45 min to pick them up bring them here then bring them back?
If i had it my way id just want MIL coming out once around xmas for a week and once in the summer for a week. That's how normal people tend to do trips. I dont know anyone else who has family stay with them for a month twice a year.
But she doesn't stay with you for a month, does she? It sounds like her being at BIL's is best for everyone.
OP, how long have you known your husband and his family? The money isn't a problem? Just the principal of the whole situation?
Are you unhappy about any other areas of your life right now? Maybe at work? Overwhelmed? How about your family of origin? Any issues with siblings perhaps?
Oh God maciesmom again. Are you friends with these people? Do you behave this way? You are clearly on team in law, i get it.
I have standards for how people in my life behave and that goes for family and in laws. Their manners and behavior are poor and i certainly wont put up with it with a smile. Again im *ok* with footing the bill for MIL but i dont get her boyfriend never offering to help. Most men with pride want to occasionally stand up and chip in. We went out for her bday dinner the other night and he of course paid nothing...same as any other meal he shows up to. It's almost just funny at this point. It is so bizarre to me that bf, other bil and other mil just show up to these meals every time and just chew and screw with not so much as an offer. Then they dont even say thank you.
Yes as a matter of fact i have a do nothing brother of my own. I cant stand lazy people who stand around waiting for handouts but i have a brother like this along with a handful of in laws now.
Oh God maciesmom again. Are you friends with these people? Do you behave this way? You are clearly on team in law, i get it.
I have standards for how people in my life behave and that goes for family and in laws. Their manners and behavior are poor and i certainly wont put up with it with a smile. Again im *ok* with footing the bill for MIL but i dont get her boyfriend never offering to help. Most men with pride want to occasionally stand up and chip in. We went out for her bday dinner the other night and he of course paid nothing...same as any other meal he shows up to. It's almost just funny at this point. It is so bizarre to me that bf, other bil and other mil just show up to these meals every time and just chew and screw with not so much as an offer. Then they dont even say thank you.
You haven't said one positive thing about anyone in his family from your first post on.
You know, if they lived down the road (so they saw family frequently at no cost or inconvenience) and restaurant bill was every month, I'd be more supportive. But that's not the case. You came here and asked if you were being petty. Yes you are. Also trying to provide alternatives (hosting dinner at your house rather than a restaurant, having them to your home so you don't have to travel to BILs etc). You've indicated the dinners out are your biggest gripe.
You've never answered if there are cultural differences or if you "lazy" BIL was actually 100% competent.
You've mentioned BIL's income/lifestyle in numerous times, annoyed that they're going to Disney or might possibly be saving on daycare costs while hosting MIL. You keep harping on the length of their visits even though they don't stay with you.
You seem determined to gripe about "your way" no matter what. Life and marriage are often about compromise.
Best of luck.
Last edited by maciesmom; 01-10-2017 at 07:57 PM..
I mentioned BILs financial status a few times to make a point. If i didnt mention it you know there'd be posters saying oh well maybe BIL is broke and has no money, cant afford it etc. Not the case.
Lazy BIL is competent. He had drug issues a few years ago and maybe that dumbed him down. He is not the brightest bulb but he has a full time job, lives for free now, and has very few bills. Again, pointing this out because he should have some cash from time to time. He is very overweight and hasnt had a significant other the whole time ive been in the picture.
Me compromising is showing up to the dinner the other night. And again this still happens when MIL is not here. Even when we go out with the two BILs and BILs MIL no one else helps out with the BILL except well off BIL and DH.
Lol. Oh and we're both white...not sure why that matters. If DH were hispanic this might make more sense.
Last edited by elysium78; 01-10-2017 at 08:15 PM..
Reason: Added
If i had it my way id just want MIL coming out once around xmas for a week and once in the summer for a week. That's how normal people tend to do trips. I dont know anyone else who has family stay with them for a month twice a year.
Well, when my parents were alive, I generally packed up the kids and visited them for about six weeks every summer (usually in two week blocks), one week at Easter and usually one week at Thanksgiving or Christmas plus about one weekend every five or six weeks between my longer visits (I was working full time as a teacher or I would have visited more). But, of course, I was helping with caregiving, making meals, cleaning, running errands, doing laundry, etc. during my visits. But, that is an adult child going to help their parents.
Whether or not that is "normal" depends on your family.
I know plenty of retired parents who visit their adult children multiple times a year often staying for two to three weeks at a time, very easily totally eight or more weeks a year.
I know one couple who visit their adult daughter & SIL and grandchildren for two weeks about every two months, so about twelve weeks a year. In addition, the daughter and grandchildren come to visit the parents at their house a couple times a year and stay perhaps a week at a time. So they see each other about fifteen weeks a year.
Frankly, unless there are extenuating circumstances, such as disability, extended distance, work schedule, or limited finances I don't know ANY grandparent who would feel that seeing their adult children & grandchildren for only two weeks a year is enough.
OP, would you be happy with your mother only seeing you and your children two weeks a year?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
