At dinners where the same people never help pay the bill (male, wedding)
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much of my dealings have just been to avoid these people. I dont even feel like i have much of a relationship with them. I'm not sure if they even notice. i just can no longer take how ungrateful they seem. Just sitting there with them at dinner last night while they all laughed away then watched my DH and S pay the bill just felt awful again.
It is unlikely that anything you do or say will change any of your in-laws.
Resentment over what your husband does will eventually kill your marriage. When you can no longer tolerate unresolved resentment, you will either check out of your marriage or start punishing your husband. He will then likely retaliate in some way. Resentment is the death knell for marriage.
The only person you can change is yourself.
There is no right or wrong on the majority of issues in a marriage. Obviously there are exceptions like abuse, etc.
There are usually only two peoples sometimes differing opinions on how something should be handled.
Whenever you feel yourself clinging to who is right in a marriage, that's the time to remind yourself that its a lot more fun to be happy than to be right.
Try to let go of being right, calm yourself, stop soliciting friends and moms opinions and have a non-judgemental, non blaming conversation with your husband. You guys need to brainstorm all the things that could be done differently that would solve this issue in a way that you can both either positively or enthusiastically embrace.
Before you do that, I would also do some soul searching to make sure you are clear on your real issues.
Sounds like you are very disappointed in your in-laws. You had expectations of them that they aren't living up to. Sucks, but may or may not be changing. Some things you just have to accept or stay away from as much as possible. Alternatively, find a different way to look at it.
And the reason they stay with S is because S has a big house, redone basement with bathroom, bedroom. Again before we got married the mother in law and boyfriend would stay for a week, sometimes boyfriend didnt even come. Then they retired and it turned into month long visits. Im happy they dont stay with us but im not sure that S and his wife mind? I mean if they did and it's their home they could certainly say, sorry we have things to do 4 weeks is too long, lets do a week or two...and like I said she comes out 2 or 3 times a year. Wasnt something that i ever saw coming. I dont know how S and the wife deal...so they must enjoy it.
And the reason they stay with S is because S has a big house, redone basement with bathroom, bedroom. Again before we got married the mother in law and boyfriend would stay for a week, sometimes boyfriend didnt even come. Then they retired and it turned into month long visits. Im happy they dont stay with us but im not sure that S and his wife mind? I mean if they did and it's their home they could certainly say, sorry we have things to do 4 weeks is too long, lets do a week or two...and like I said she comes out 2 or 3 times a year. Wasnt something that i ever saw coming. I dont know how S and the wife deal...so they must enjoy it.
Just so I'm clear...lots of people to keep track of...
The MIL is your husband's brother's MIL? And HER boyfriend?!
This speaks volumes. There's an odd, inappropriate, sad dynamic going on. It is perpetrated in daily life and in finances.
It does seem so.
Counseling may be the only answer. Those who are advising the OP to suck it up and deal are, in my view, ignoring the potential for this weird dynamic to be transferred to her family unit. This is a family issue, not hers alone.
How strange would it be years from now if her adult children are tasked with taking care of the unmarried brother "because family members have always done for him"?
And the reason they stay with S is because S has a big house, redone basement with bathroom, bedroom. Again before we got married the mother in law and boyfriend would stay for a week, sometimes boyfriend didnt even come. Then they retired and it turned into month long visits. Im happy they dont stay with us but im not sure that S and his wife mind? I mean if they did and it's their home they could certainly say, sorry we have things to do 4 weeks is too long, lets do a week or two...and like I said she comes out 2 or 3 times a year. Wasnt something that i ever saw coming. I dont know how S and the wife deal...so they must enjoy it.
Honestly, it sounds as if you are a bit jealous of BIL's things and lifestyle, and think because he has more than you do, he should foot the bill for family dinners. He's already hosting MIL for 2-3 months/year as well as still paying for half the dinners out and hosting various events in his home.
In looking at you post history you do seem awfully focused on what others have that you don't and how various things are "unfair" and you are somehow shortchanged.
Well that's not it but nice try. I pointed out how much BIL makes because i think it's an important piece of the story. Otherwise someome was bound to say well maybe BIL doesn't have the money blah blah. He does. I live in boston im surrounded by money...im not jealous of BIL.
One theme I see often lately, is how rather "monied" people seems to really lack appropriate restaurant behavior (and gift-giving, etc...) in regards to money.
Are these people rich because they penny pinch and use others?
A close friend went berserk over .50 on her bill, yet she had millions and never worked but 1/2 day her whole life.
Another friend balances to the PENNY and goes to the bank if he can.t find it.
Not to stray from OP's post.
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