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It's Christmas Eve and we have all our family over for the weekend, and instead of being happy I'm sitting here almost in tears as I'm putting my toddler to bed, and don't want to come out, and I know it's at least partially my fault yet I don't think I was that wrong.
Me and my MIL have sort of a complicated relationship - an extremely insincere one if I have to be honest. We're always extremely sweet and polite and nothing but nice to each other in person. Inside, however, she makes me very uncomfortable, and I suspect she dislikes many things about me, although she's way too reserved and civilized to ever admit it. She's like a super-reserved puritan WASP on steroids - never reveals an actual feeling, never brings up a single negative thing. In spite of that, she sees nothing wrong with making constant, albeit veiled, passive-aggressive comments on my parenting and housekeeping. She's a perfectionist type-A with very high standards for herself and others, and I'm sort of the opposite. I know she cares about me as her son's wife and she always offers to help, brings gifts etc, but the criticism gets on my nerves. Yet I've always kept civil and responded with nothing but polite smiles to everything, trying to ignore any comments I don't agree with. Our oldest is seven so it's been going on at least that long, plus the ten years I knew my husband before that.
Well, tonight of all nights, and I know Christmas eve is the worst timing I could choose, but something snapped. She started discussing with my mom, for a millionth time, how the kids must be cold because they only have one long-sleeved shirt on, and that's why they were sick, and how we should dress them warmer (oldest had a bad virus two weeks ago and is still coughing a bit, the youngest just had a touch of on and off runny nose that could've been teething). It was 73 in the house, with oven going full blast, I was sweating, and they were saying how we should put an extra layer on them. I snapped. For the first time ever, I told her, in a fairly harsh voice, that I'm against over-bundling kids, and that her own son, who she overdressed all the time, was sick constantly when he was a kid, and our kids are, knock on wood, aren't sick anywhere near that often. I didn't say anything mean per se but I did have a harsh tone, and her being super sensitive and not expecting me to say that, she just looked shell shocked and obviously got offended. She didn't say anything and just walked away, and the rest of the dinner I could feel the obvious tension between us. Afterwards, my mom (who is now good friends with MIL) admonished me in private that I hurt MIL's feelings, and how I behaved like a teenage brat and I should've just ignored the comments even if I didn't agree. That she looked like she was about to cry and blah blah. To some degree, yes, I do regret snapping, and I would keep my mouth shut if I went back in time. But on the other hand, it feels satisfying to finally say something, after ten plus years of keeping my mouth shut and nodding politely at everything. I'm sick of being judged like a kid, I'm a grown woman with my own family and I think it's about time I set some boundaries and put an end to the comments and judging. And there have been plenty of times where I was the one close to tears, or actually crying, in my room during her visits because she made me so anxious. But because "she means well", I apparently don't have the right to be offended.
Of course now there's this cloud over the rest of the weekend that I feel bad about causing.
Please tell me I did the right thing??
Last edited by EvilCookie; 12-24-2016 at 08:43 PM..
IMHO, it probably would have been better to set boundaries with your MIL from the very beginning. IMHO, the very first time that she said a "passive-aggressive" negative comment you should have said something to your MIL OR your husband should have said something to his mother in support of you.
And, who told you that because she "means well" it is OK for her to belittle you and criticize you, especially in your own home? Did your FIL tell you that? Did you husband tell you that? Did your mother tell you that? IMHO, that is BS.
What if a friend of yours told you the same things that your MIL tells you, would you be OK with it?
What if a neighbor of yours told you the same things that your MIL tells you, would you be OK with it?
What if a stranger told you the same things that your MIL tells you, would you be OK with it?
I bet that your answer would be "No, absolutely not." Then why is it OK for your MIL to tell you those things?
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BTW, my own MIL was often very snarky with a brash, overpowering personality but from the very first time that she said something even slightly rude or inappropriate to me, my husband immediately stepped in and told her that she was "out of line". And, once or twice, in the very beginning, he even told his mother that she needed to apologize to me. Frankly, that takes a real man to honor and respect his wife in that way. What has your husband been doing these past ten years as his mother has been insulting you and criticizing you?
I think that because I set appropriate boundaries with my MIL from the very beginning, she stopped being as rude and snarky to me as she was to other people. We ended up as close as a mother and daughter not like a MIL and DIL relationship.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-24-2016 at 09:22 PM..
Good for you for finally taking the reins in your own house. You did just right.
It is hard for parents to acknowledge that their children have become adults. It's really on the children to set the parents straight as far as them now being adults and demanding to be treated on equal footing.
I can remember when I was around 40 years old finally telling my mother that I just wanted her to treat me like she treats anyone else who is not family. I wanted to be treated with the same manners and respect.
She was shocked and said something along the lines of that our relationship would not then be close or intimate. But, that's what she always used as an excuse to treat "family" badly - differently than she'd treat anyone on the "outside" who wasn't "family."
I told her I wasn't interested in a "close" relationship with someone who didn't treat me at least as well as they treated the "outside" world.
There comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. What you could do is tell your MIL that you're sorry if you hurt her feelings, but you are not sorry for standing up for yourself. And that going forward, you expect her to remember that when she is a guest in your house, she needs to treat you with respect. Or something along those lines.
You can be sorry with the way you said something, and not be sorry for the message. Let her know that you won't tolerate her criticism anymore. Remind her that there was once a time in her life when she had a MIL or other people criticizing how she was acting as a wife and mother.
Each generation becomes the "elder" at some point. You need to assert yourself and take your place as the new generation of adults in the family.
I had a horrid MIL, followed by a MIL that I absolutely loved to pieces. They're not all horrid. But, my first one was absolutely horrid. The funny thing was, that after she got her way in breaking up my marriage to her son, she later realized that her son was a jerk, and made up to me regarding custody problems during and after my divorce. But, while married to her son, it was constant criticism.
Anyway, good on you for standing up for yourself. I commend you and suggest that when you go back to the group, that you take her aside and tell her you're sorry you hurt her feelings, but going forward, you will no longer put up with her criticizing you, especially in your own home.
Own your boundary-setting. Whenever someone in a family dynamic changes their behavior, there is a push from the family to put things back into familiar territory. So, nicely but firmly let them know that things are now different regarding how they are to treat you.
Good for you for finally taking the reins in your own house. You did just right.
It is hard for parents to acknowledge that their children have become adults. It's really on the children to set the parents straight as far as them now being adults and demanding to be treated on equal footing.
I can remember when I was around 40 years old finally telling my mother that I just wanted her to treat me like she treats anyone else who is not family. I wanted to be treated with the same manners and respect.
She was shocked and said something along the lines of that our relationship would not then be close or intimate. But, that's what she always used as an excuse to treat "family" badly - differently than she'd treat anyone on the "outside" who wasn't "family."
I told her I wasn't interested in a "close" relationship with someone who didn't treat me at least as well as they treated the "outside" world.
There comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. What you could do is tell your MIL that you're sorry if you hurt her feelings, but you are not sorry for standing up for yourself. And that going forward, you expect her to remember that when she is a guest in your house, she needs to treat you with respect. Or something along those lines.
You can be sorry with the way you said something, and not be sorry for the message. Let her know that you won't tolerate her criticism anymore. Remind her that there was once a time in her life when she had a MIL or other people criticizing how she was acting as a wife and mother.
Each generation becomes the "elder" at some point. You need to assert yourself and take your place as the new generation of adults in the family.
I had a horrid MIL, followed by a MIL that I absolutely loved to pieces. They're not all horrid. But, my first one was absolutely horrid. The funny thing was, that after she got her way in breaking up my marriage to her son, she later realized that her son was a jerk, and made up to me regarding custody problems during and after my divorce. But, while married to her son, it was constant criticism.
Anyway, good on you for standing up for yourself. I commend you and suggest that when you go back to the group, that you take her aside and tell her you're sorry you hurt her feelings, but going forward, you will no longer put up with her criticizing you, especially in your own home.
Own your boundary-setting. Whenever someone in a family dynamic changes their behavior, there is a push from the family to put things back into familiar territory. So, nicely but firmly let them know that things are now different regarding how they are to treat you.
I think it would help if you didn't frame this as a right or wrong thing. I think at most, it wouldn't hurt to apologize for the harsh tone and to help clean the slate. The bigger thing is though is that you need to come up with a plan of action on how to deal with your MIL. No more of this taking in barbs and getting hurt/offended silently. Just take things in perspective and say your piece constructively.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie
It's Christmas Eve and we have all our family over for the weekend, and instead of being happy I'm sitting here almost in tears as I'm putting my toddler to bed, and don't want to come out, and I know it's at least partially my fault yet I don't think I was that wrong.
Me and my MIL have sort of a complicated relationship - an extremely insincere one if I have to be honest. We're always extremely sweet and polite and nothing but nice to each other in person. Inside, however, she makes me very uncomfortable, and I suspect she dislikes many things about me, although she's way too reserved and civilized to ever admit it. She's like a super-reserved puritan WASP on steroids - never reveals an actual feeling, never brings up a single negative thing. In spite of that, she sees nothing wrong with making constant, albeit veiled, passive-aggressive comments on my parenting and housekeeping. She's a perfectionist type-A with very high standards for herself and others, and I'm sort of the opposite. I know she cares about me as her son's wife and she always offers to help, brings gifts etc, but the criticism gets on my nerves. Yet I've always kept civil and responded with nothing but polite smiles to everything, trying to ignore any comments I don't agree with. Our oldest is seven so it's been going on at least that long, plus the ten years I knew my husband before that.
Well, tonight of all nights, and I know Christmas eve is the worst timing I could choose, but something snapped. She started discussing with my mom, for a millionth time, how the kids must be cold because they only have one long-sleeved shirt on, and that's why they were sick, and how we should dress them warmer (oldest had a bad virus two weeks ago and is still coughing a bit, the youngest just had a touch of on and off runny nose that could've been teething). It was 73 in the house, with oven going full blast, I was sweating, and they were saying how we should put an extra layer on them. I snapped. For the first time ever, I told her, in a fairly harsh voice, that I'm against over-bundling kids, and that her own son, who she overdressed all the time, was sick constantly when he was a kid, and our kids are, knock on wood, aren't sick anywhere near that often. I didn't say anything mean per se but I did have a harsh tone, and her being super sensitive and not expecting me to say that, she just looked shell shocked and obviously got offended. She didn't say anything and just walked away, and the rest of the dinner I could feel the obvious tension between us. Afterwards, my mom (who is now good friends with MIL) admonished me in private that I hurt MIL's feelings, and how I behaved like a teenage brat and I should've just ignored the comments even if I didn't agree. That she looked like she was about to cry and blah blah. To some degree, yes, I do regret snapping, and I would keep my mouth shut if I went back in time. But on the other hand, it feels satisfying to finally say something, after ten plus years of keeping my mouth shut and nodding politely at everything. I'm sick of being judged like a kid, I'm a grown woman with my own family and I think it's about time I set some boundaries and put an end to the comments and judging. And there have been plenty of times where I was the one close to tears, or actually crying, in my room during her visits because she made me so anxious. But because "she means well", I apparently don't have the right to be offended.
Of course now there's this cloud over the rest of the weekend that I feel bad about causing.
Please tell me I did the right thing??
When is the right time to defend yourself from a bully?
She's had at least ten years to say something. Now it's all built up, and she popped off during a holiday gathering, giving the MIL at least 10 more years' worth of ammo.
I agree with Inkpoe that focusing on whether she was right or wrong is the wrong thing to think about anyway.
It WAS high time she said something to her MIL, but it would have been better to do it without anger and a personal attack on her MIL's own parenting.
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