Holiday family drama - offended the MIL... (lips, mother, friendship)
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Two questions. Regardless of what has happened does she love your kids and have their best interest at heart? She and you own mom are good friends. Why is this if she is really so bad?
My grandmother told me, the more people that genuinely love your children the better off they will be. I never really had a mother in law. Now before some of you tell me how fortunate I am it isn't because she died. We had to send her packing because she was a selfish alcoholic drug addict that didn't love anyone but herself. My advice to you is, if deep down you know she loves those kids and you can call on her, depend on her where they are concerned, make this work because having one lest grandfather/grandmother is a loss.
Oh well, I thought I remembered your saying your family was Asian, but after checking I see that you only mentioned growing up in an "Asian community."
The selective "respect for elders" is the point anyway.
Why can you not be direct with your MIL the way you can with your mother?
Oh well, I thought I remembered your saying your family was Asian, but after checking I see that you only mentioned growing up in an "Asian community."
The selective "respect for elders" is the point anyway.
Why can you not be direct with your MIL the way you can with your mother?
We're not Asian, Eastern European, but the two cultures are actually very similar in the whole unconditional respect for family and elders thing. It's common back in our home country for multigenerational families to live together, and there is no such thing as boundaries between parents and adult kids - trying to set such is considering disrespectful. However, I mainly grew up here and our kids were born here so I don't see myself willing to adhere to these cultural norms quite as much. The rest of the family expects it though. Grandparents have the mindset that they have the right to step in and interfere if they feel parents aren't doing their best for the grandkids. Because it's "all for the kids' sake". So it's a difficult climate already to stand your ground as a young mother. Coupled with the Mil's avoidant and highly sensitive personality, it becomes impossible to do while keeping the peace.
The difference between how I act with MIL vs my mom is simply that, their personalities, plus the fact that obviously I'm closer to and feel more comfortable with my mom because she's my mom! But she can listen to me argue a point and disagree with me without taking it personally. MIL can't. Like I said, she treats any unpleasant discussion in two ways: either ignores it and carries on, or gets her feelings hurt and shuts down the conversation, as she has done several times with DH when he has tried, fairly nicely, bring up something she didn't like hearing. She outright told him "I don't want to talk about this' and wouldn't listen to anything else. And then sulked. How do you talk to a person like that?? All that said, though, I know she loves us and the kids and they love her so I am not going to do anything like cut her off, nor do i think she deserves it. I just don't know how to get through to her without conflict.
Last edited by EvilCookie; 12-25-2016 at 08:39 PM..
In that case, you've decided that you must suffer because culture. And that's your choice, but henceforth you choose this mistreatment with eyes wide open. I don't put you down for it; I don't have any right to judge your cultural choices. But face the truth that they are choices, not requirements. Just as my adherence to some cultural values and situations I grew up with are choices, not requirements, and I ultimately own those choices. I respect your choice to own this one and continue to be insulted in your own home (and I am not being sarcastic, no matter how it sounds; simply laying the reality before you without equivocation).
There's two sides to every relationship, and there's nothing harder than feeling like you have to walk on egg shells with an inlaw. My son would stand by his wife against me even if she was in the wrong. Some would say that's how it should be, but it makes me worry about saying the wrong thing. I also feel its harder on the sons mom than the daughters. My son & dil seem to fear her displeasure, but would have no problem calling me out.
I also wonder if your mil is critical, or trying to be helpful in the only way she knows how. Today, I disagreed with my dil which is a very rare occurrence. I'd bet if her mom had said it, she'd have taken it as gospel, but she googled what I told her. Thank gawd I was right. I'm just pointing out that some of the things you see as passive aggressive, might be your mil trying to share her knowledge with you.
I'd bet if her mom had said it, she'd have taken it as gospel, but she googled what I told her.
My husband used to accuse me of doing that but with my dad - taking my dad's opinion for truth while being skeptical of my husband's. LOL and he was right. I stopped doing it after he pointed it out.
How to deal, OP?
1) Remember that you may never convince a person like your MIL of anything. So stop trying.
2) The easiest way I have found to treat comments like this is to ask, on the spot without any kind of negative tone, "Do you think so?"
So using your example:
MIL: "The kids must be cold!"
OP: "Do you think so?"
MIL: "They only have one long-sleeved shirt on, and that's why they're sick. You should dress them warmer."
OP: "Oh, I disagree."
Then divert the conversation. Ask someone else a completely unrelated question.
Asking "You think so?" when someone makes a negative comment you don't like gives you a few seconds to get your sh*t together and not answer with emotion.
My MIL used to talk to me by asking the babies questions (in baby talk, of course) while I was in the room. Stuff like, while holding the baby, "Do you want to come visit Nana more? You need to tell your mama to bring you over to Nana's house more often!"
My husband used to accuse me of doing that but with my dad - taking my dad's opinion for truth while being skeptical of my husband's. LOL and he was right. I stopped doing it after he pointed it out.
How to deal, OP?
1) Remember that you may never convince a person like your MIL of anything. So stop trying.
2) The easiest way I have found to treat comments like this is to ask, on the spot without any kind of negative tone, "Do you think so?"
So using your example:
MIL: "The kids must be cold!"
OP: "Do you think so?"
MIL: "They only have one long-sleeved shirt on, and that's why they're sick. You should dress them warmer."
OP: "Oh, I disagree."
Then divert the conversation. Ask someone else a completely unrelated question.
Asking "You think so?" when someone makes a negative comment you don't like gives you a few seconds to get your sh*t together and not answer with emotion.
My MIL used to talk to me by asking the babies questions (in baby talk, of course) while I was in the room. Stuff like, while holding the baby, "Do you want to come visit Nana more? You need to tell your mama to bring you over to Nana's house more often!"
YESSSSS! That is EXACTLY what she does, all the time! She actually uses the "do you think?" phrase on ME, too! Her last visit, she did that with the baby constantly - "oh, mama, we're hungry, can we have something to eat?" (five minutes after I said I'm making lunch and it'll be ready in ten). "Oh mama, do we need a change?" And she'll "ask" me things like "do you THINK the kids should put something warmer on" - and she makes it obvious with her tone just what my answer should be, and if I disagree she purses her lips and sighs tragically.
... if I disagree she purses her lips and sighs tragically.
If she does this ^^^, then call her on it in an unemotional way.
"Do you disagree?" or "Something wrong, Nana?"
Just stop what you're doing and look at her - patiently - until she answers.
Just like with kids, some adults take longer to learn acceptable ways to converse with you. Teach her by setting up and enforcing boundaries each and every time. I'm telling you, many of us have been there.
The saltiest I've ever seen my SIL get with my MIL worked very well. Once when my niece was running around the house as a toddler, my MIL said, "Woo, she's a pistol, isn't she?" (a very easy to blow off comment from old folks around here) and my SIL, who was not having it, said, "No, she isn't. She's actually a very well-behaved young lady. She's just excited."
Elders or not, MIL or my own mother, I can accept advice (take it or leave it) but criticizing my parenting skills in my own home....I don't think so!
OP, I think what you did needed to be done. Since everyone is past it, I would let it go. Maybe this was a wake up call to your MIL & maybe she'll be more sensitive towards you and your feelings as well when giving you "advice".
If she does this ^^^, then call her on it in an unemotional way.
"Do you disagree?" or "Something wrong, Nana?"
Just stop what you're doing and look at her - patiently - until she answers.
This is a good idea, I guess I just never had the guts to do that. I'm also very conflict-averse as that goes, and admit I do tend towards passive-aggressivness too, not because I'm malicious but just because I hate confrontation. I tend to go on the defense rather than offense.
In cases like above, I never said anything because I figured since SHE isn't saying anything, for me to say something would be rude. She never shows her displeasure very obviously, not like she wants to make a point, it's subtle and just noticeable enough for her to show disappointment. But I may just try it next time.
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I'm just pointing out that some of the things you see as passive aggressive, might be your mil trying to share her knowledge with you.
