Holiday family drama - offended the MIL... (brother, personality, alcoholic)
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Of course now there's this cloud over the rest of the weekend that I feel bad about causing.
Please tell me I did the right thing??
Were you justified? Certainly.
Was it your wisest move? Probably not from a timing standpoint.
Does she have the right to come to your home and start telling you how to run your household? Oh hell no. That was never okay even once. My FIL started in once on that. I began: "Is this the part where we get told how to live our lives?" Never heard another word. Fortunately, I didn't do it on Xmas Eve.
Have you conditioned her to think that this will be acceptable, by tolerating it all this time? Seems so.
Should you have ideally picked a different occasion to snap? Yeah, in a perfect world. It had to come, though, if you respect yourself.
Are you now responsible for her butthurtness? Well, let's see; is anyone holding her accountable for hurting your feelings in the first place? Or is that just something they expect you to take? What do you bet that everyone's ideal solution is that you should apologize on bended knee, because MIL's feelings matter and yours evidently do not?
If you want to handle it with self-respect, accept (to yourself, not aloud) that you've impaired the weekend. You weren't the only one who caused it, but neither do you lack responsibility, because you've been letting her get by with this for a long time. At some point, ask her to take a walk with you. Alone. She can't refuse without looking like she is refusing a chance for you to apologize, so she's stuck and must go. On your walk, explain to her that you wish you'd chosen a different time to hit your limit, but the reality is that this has been an issue for a decade, and you finally had all you could take. You understand that your non-objection in the past has created a sense that you don't mind being nitpicked, and you regret that now, so here is how it is: you know that she doesn't approve of many of your homemaking methods, and frankly, you don't ever want to hear about that again, especially in your own home and most especially on a holiday. But that you felt she was owed the courtesy of hearing that up front, in private, and an acknowledgement that your inaction did help lead up to this point. And that you will do her the same courtesy with regard to her household, without fail, and you hope that the two of you can grow a sense of mutual respect regardless of different ideas.
So far you have not approached her as an equal, it seems, but as her verbal punching bag. Maybe she's just waiting for the day you show enough sand to expect treatment as an equal. And if she reacts badly, then you can just tell her you're sorry she feels that way, but that you don't regret reaching out, and that in any case, you're firm that you're no longer interested in volunteered homemaking advice.
Confrontation sucks, but non-confrontation often sucks worse, and there is an art to confrontation that takes responsibility while making sure others take theirs (or at least get the chance to do so).
What you did was far more sedate then what I did over 30 years ago that put an end to my toxic in laws over 30 years ago EvilCookie. I wanted them out of my life permanently and what mommy wants, mommy gets. No regrets, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Is your MIL a toxic person? Would your life be better off without her? If the answer is yes then build that wall. If the answer is no then have a kind heart to heart talk with her about her keeping her comments to herself. Even a 4 year old knows when they're cold. People catch colds from viruses, not from being chilled. Every one knows that and I'm sure your MIL does as well. I'm very surprised that your husband hasn't stepped up and told her to mind her own business.
Just because you're old doesn't give you a free pass for bad behavior. She was a guest in your house and she disrespected that privilege. I think she deserved what she got and you have been way too nice about being abused.
Someone that makes you feel bad is not a bully. If the OP chose to ignore her, there would by no "bullying." These are adults ... not kids. Adults can never be bullied. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE GROWN UPS AND SHOULD KNOW BETTER TO IGNORE PEOPLE WHO ARE JERKS.
If the OP, simply said to herself, I really don't like her, I don't like what she says, and frankly she is full of it, and IGNORED IT, there would be no hurt feelings, no outbursts and no postings looking for a bunch of strangers to say YES YES YOU WERE RIGHT!!! GOOD ON YOU FOR YELLING AT HER!!!
Sad.
P.S. By "your definition" the OP is a bully. I mean, she YELLED at her. On Christmas Eve. Only bullies do that.
I would expect the teacher to tell my son to apologize but also chastise the bully who has been antagonizing him for so long. That's the root of the problem after all.
That's not the way antibullying policies work in school. Why are you waiting for the teacher to stick up for your son? You should tell your son to stand up for himself. Then, he will NEVER be bullied. As in, Don't ever throw the first punch/insult. HOWEVER, if someone throws a punch at you/insults you, you have every right to defend yourself (situationally appropriate). If every parent actually parented their kids, there would be no victims because kids would defend themselves.
That's not the way antibullying policies work in school. Why are you waiting for the teacher to stick up for your son? You should tell your son to stand up for himself. Then, he will NEVER be bullied. As in, Don't ever throw the first punch/insult. HOWEVER, if someone throws a punch at you/insults you, you have every right to defend yourself (situationally appropriate). If every parent actually parented their kids, there would be no victims because kids would defend themselves.
That's a lot of conjecture. lol. Who said anything about what I tell my son to do about bullies? That poster posed a question about a particular scenario and I answered it. The end. IF something like that happened, that's what I'd expect out of the teacher.
In any case, the OPs incident is over. Shoulda would coulda will not answer her question. She wants to know now that she did it 1) how sorry should she be and 2) what should she do NOW. Whether we should call her mother in law a bully or a jerk is an interesting aside but I'm not sure that matters really. Obviously ignoring it is not working for the OP.
It's Christmas Eve and we have all our family over for the weekend, and instead of being happy I'm sitting here almost in tears as I'm putting my toddler to bed, and don't want to come out, and I know it's at least partially my fault yet I don't think I was that wrong.
Me and my MIL have sort of a complicated relationship - an extremely insincere one if I have to be honest. We're always extremely sweet and polite and nothing but nice to each other in person. Inside, however, she makes me very uncomfortable, and I suspect she dislikes many things about me, although she's way too reserved and civilized to ever admit it. She's like a super-reserved puritan WASP on steroids - never reveals an actual feeling, never brings up a single negative thing. In spite of that, she sees nothing wrong with making constant, albeit veiled, passive-aggressive comments on my parenting and housekeeping. She's a perfectionist type-A with very high standards for herself and others, and I'm sort of the opposite. I know she cares about me as her son's wife and she always offers to help, brings gifts etc, but the criticism gets on my nerves. Yet I've always kept civil and responded with nothing but polite smiles to everything, trying to ignore any comments I don't agree with. Our oldest is seven so it's been going on at least that long, plus the ten years I knew my husband before that.
Well, tonight of all nights, and I know Christmas eve is the worst timing I could choose, but something snapped. She started discussing with my mom, for a millionth time, how the kids must be cold because they only have one long-sleeved shirt on, and that's why they were sick, and how we should dress them warmer (oldest had a bad virus two weeks ago and is still coughing a bit, the youngest just had a touch of on and off runny nose that could've been teething). It was 73 in the house, with oven going full blast, I was sweating, and they were saying how we should put an extra layer on them. I snapped. For the first time ever, I told her, in a fairly harsh voice, that I'm against over-bundling kids, and that her own son, who she overdressed all the time, was sick constantly when he was a kid, and our kids are, knock on wood, aren't sick anywhere near that often. I didn't say anything mean per se but I did have a harsh tone, and her being super sensitive and not expecting me to say that, she just looked shell shocked and obviously got offended. She didn't say anything and just walked away, and the rest of the dinner I could feel the obvious tension between us. Afterwards, my mom (who is now good friends with MIL) admonished me in private that I hurt MIL's feelings, and how I behaved like a teenage brat and I should've just ignored the comments even if I didn't agree. That she looked like she was about to cry and blah blah. To some degree, yes, I do regret snapping, and I would keep my mouth shut if I went back in time. But on the other hand, it feels satisfying to finally say something, after ten plus years of keeping my mouth shut and nodding politely at everything. I'm sick of being judged like a kid, I'm a grown woman with my own family and I think it's about time I set some boundaries and put an end to the comments and judging. And there have been plenty of times where I was the one close to tears, or actually crying, in my room during her visits because she made me so anxious. But because "she means well", I apparently don't have the right to be offended.
Of course now there's this cloud over the rest of the weekend that I feel bad about causing.
Please tell me I did the right thing??
If you truly believed you did the right thing you wouldn't be posting here looking for validation.
Why didn't you snap at your mom too? She agreed with your MIL and was part of the conversation.
It doesn't really matter whether you were right or wrong, it's happened and now you have to fix it. You can be right all day but that doesn't mean the other person is just going to forget about it and move on.
You should apologize for snapping, perhaps blame it on the stress of the day. At another, less stressful time after the holidays, your husband needs to ask her to stop interfering. He should explain how you feel that her comments are really just criticism of your parenting, whether that is her intention or not.
You also need to ask your own mother to stay out of it, she would not appreciate it if you had done the same thing to her. She had a MIL of her own at one time and should understand. It doesn't matter if she agrees with what was said.
That's a lot of conjecture. lol. Who said anything about what I tell my son to do about bullies? That poster posed a question about a particular scenario and I answered it. The end. IF something like that happened, that's what I'd expect out of the teacher.
In any case, the OPs incident is over. Shoulda would coulda will not answer her question. She wants to know now that she did it 1) how sorry should she be and 2) what should she do NOW. Whether we should call her mother in law a bully or a jerk is an interesting aside but I'm not sure that matters really. Obviously ignoring it is not working for the OP.
I was responding directly to your post where you said the teacher should admonsh the child behaving badly. You did NOT say, the child should stick up for himself and not wait for the teacher to intervene. Not conjecture. Look at what you wrote.
The OP obviously cares a great deal at what her MIL thinks.
The only opinions that matter are the ones from people you respect.
Someone that makes you feel bad is not a bully. If the OP chose to ignore her, there would by no "bullying." These are adults ... not kids. Adults can never be bullied. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE GROWN UPS AND SHOULD KNOW BETTER TO IGNORE PEOPLE WHO ARE JERKS.
If the OP, simply said to herself, I really don't like her, I don't like what she says, and frankly she is full of it, and IGNORED IT, there would be no hurt feelings, no outbursts and no postings looking for a bunch of strangers to say YES YES YOU WERE RIGHT!!! GOOD ON YOU FOR YELLING AT HER!!!
Sad.
P.S. By "your definition" the OP is a bully. I mean, she YELLED at her. On Christmas Eve. Only bullies do that.
I can't say that adults can never be bullied. There are tons of adults that are overbearing, intimidating and disrespectful that will cross boundaries-- they will bully anyone they can. Of course like Venice said, it's up to the person to stand up for themselves and draw the lines.
I too do not think that the MIL in this case is a "bully". I mean, look at how the OP defined their relationship ("sweet, polite and nothing but nice"). The OP clearly is intimated by her MIL and takes the (veiled, passive aggressive) comments personally. The OP really needs another way to deal with her feelings and be more direct whatever differences that come between them. But... From what I've gathered about the OP through her previous postings, she seem to have a thing where she looks for passive ways to deal with her issues. As long as she keeps doing that, it's going to be a bigger problem in the long run.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie
Me and my MIL have sort of a complicated relationship - an extremely insincere one if I have to be honest. We're always extremely sweet and polite and nothing but nice to each other in person. Inside, however, she makes me very uncomfortable, and I suspect she dislikes many things about me, although she's way too reserved and civilized to ever admit it. She's like a super-reserved puritan WASP on steroids - never reveals an actual feeling, never brings up a single negative thing. In spite of that, she sees nothing wrong with making constant, albeit veiled, passive-aggressive comments on my parenting and housekeeping. She's a perfectionist type-A with very high standards for herself and others, and I'm sort of the opposite. I know she cares about me as her son's wife and she always offers to help, brings gifts etc, but the criticism gets on my nerves. Yet I've always kept civil and responded with nothing but polite smiles to everything, trying to ignore any comments I don't agree with. Our oldest is seven so it's been going on at least that long, plus the ten years I knew my husband before that.
Your MIL was having a conversation with your mother - your mother should have been able to handle it. Unless the conversation was meant to be inclusive there was no reason for you to say a thing.
And your response...could have been fine if you'd left it at your own parenting style about not over-bundling. But no - you had to twist the knife and comment about how she dressed your husband as a child and that he was always sick! How immature was that?! Yes, you certainly did snap and you should feel badly.
Next time, don't make trouble for yourself - only address something (as petty as that) if it directly affects you. And all you have to do is state your position with no apologies...and no jabs below the belt, just end the conversation. You're a grown woman with your own kids - have a little more confidence in yourself! How do you handle your kids if you can't handle MIL?
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