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Yea I don't get it-- has she in the past stood up and lectured others why hey need to be vegan too? What would necessitate making sure she doesn't talk about it? Is it as simple as if someone offers her meat and she politely responds that she's vegan? Is it that type of harmless comment they don't want her to say?
I could understand asking someone not to talk about uncle Harry's affair or so and so divorce, but needing to make sure she doesn't mention she's vegan?
Yea I don't get it-- has she in the past stood up and lectured others why hey need to be vegan too? What would necessitate making sure she doesn't talk about it? Is it as simple as if someone offers her meat and she politely responds that she's vegan? Is it that type of harmless comment they don't want her to say?
I could understand asking someone not to talk about uncle Harry's affair or so and so divorce, but needing to make sure she doesn't mention she's vegan?
Oh give us the dirt on Uncle Harry! LOL Are they afraid she'll try to convert them? LOL
When we go to big dinners, there's plenty of things I don't eat. I just keep on placing the plates/bowls. No biggie to me. Some people will have a cow that I didn't eat something because Aunt Mable has been making it since 1773....ok so? I still don't eat brussel sprouts. It's not happening. The world will not end because I don't eat Aunt Mable's brussel sprouts.
It's a common term in the fields of sociology and psychology but most people aren't familiar with this acronym.
Its interesting that someone actually brought it up in a casual context kinda of assuming everyone else would know what he was talking about, and I'm going to guess that poster is familiar with Stefan Molyneux and his show Free Domain Radio.
For those who are not familiar, Stefan is an internet personality, avant-garde philosopher with a libertarian or Anarcho-Capitalist bent, and prolific YouTuber. While I don't agree with everything that he says, and he has received a lot of criticism for his views on family relationships, he does make some good points that because society imposes various familial interactions and emotional connections as a norm and a social duty, these can be toxic and harmful when family members are not good people and may be abusive and violent.
He has said that consequently people should consider separating from their "family of origin" in a process he called "de-foo'ing". So to de-foo can involve anything from not participating in certain family events, to curtailing or even eliminating interactions with family members.
In his own words, "our family relationships are voluntary and you should really work, if you're unhappy in these relationships, to improve the quality of those relationships - but to remember they do remain voluntary. And that gives people the motivation, I think, to try to improve them. But if you can't improve them - and we can't change other people, as we all know - for sure you should have the option to disengage."
The gist of his "message" seems to be kind of centered around the idea that bad parenting is responsible for most of society's problems and furthermore, that this is kind of the human condition.
For instance he said, "Deep down I do not believe that there are any really good parents out there - the same way that I do not believe there were any really good doctors in the 10th century."
At this time, I think as a disclaimer, it is appropriate to note that, amongst other accusations, it has been alleged that his podcasts and advice to listeners has resulted in strained relationships and estrangement causing severe emotional suffering and even suicides.
Some critics have even compared his tactics or methods to that of cult leaders, specifically in playing an active role in or having the objective of separating or isolating their followers from their family and former friends and associates. For example, Scientology has this idea of SPs, "Suppressive Persons" who are basically negative, anti-social influences who don't approve of the follower's involvement with Scientology, and who actively obstruct the follower's progress in the stages of enlightenment (which they call "getting clear").
Now, family squabbles are complex, but I think there is a huge difference between simply being or feeling obligated into attending annual family gatherings and actually being abused.
I also think that family is important and unique and that of all the people in the world, there are few more likely to always have your interests at heart or to have your back and stick up for you. And they are the only people who really have that degree of shared experience and history that can create a lifelong bond based on similarity and common values or culture. For example, nostalgia is based primarily on shared experience. Nobody has the ability to enjoy that with you than someone that was there with you at the same time. Family traditions, family history, family humor/jokes, etc. These things that are often the basis of childhood memories, cannot be as easily replicated with people that aren't related to you. Everyone knows of the power of the "childhood friend", this old companion who knows you, with whom you grew up, etc. The reason this character is revered and cherished, is they are most like a family member, while not actually being one.
Anyway.
Stefan is a person that claims to have been abused by his mother (not sure about the father), and that and his strained relationship with his brother seem to be the source of his interest in "family of origin" issues. He claims to have had a lifetime rocky and emotionally awkward relationship with him and eventually parted ways, over a company they founded together and over disagreement regarding their mother's alleged behavior during the childhood.
I have my own personal ideas of Stefan's outlook, and I have come to believe that all of this background is "emotional trauma" that informs his views and behavior. Also, he seems to me the kind of person that cannot forgive others and harbors grudges and won't accept someone's sincere apology when they offer it. He is also extraordinarily stubborn and has a hard time accepting that he might not ALWAYS be correct in his righteousnes; he can be a bit of an absolutist, especially with his views on politics and the State.
So I know that sounds like a long list of negative traits, but, he is also intelligent, well-read, educated, and funny. Everyone has their issues, I guess.
My personal recommendation; if your family is merely boring or uninteresting to you, then I submit you are probably missing an opportunity to really know them or speak with them. If you can go to a party and talk to people you have never met, then you should be able to enjoy yourself with family for a few hours. If your family are just snarky/petty a good clearing of the air, an airing of the grievances, might be in order. A candid and honest, but polite and respectful conversation could smooth things over. That is, IF you have interest in creating or restoring a relationship with them.
If you don't have any interest in a relationship with your family, or derive enjoyment from participating in shared family history and nostalgia and such things, then I guess you already know what to do.
Holidays coming around, I don't get along with some aunt's/uncle's and some of the cousins , so we stopped the big holiday dinner .
Now spouse , and SIL don't like each other, as well with BIL, amongst other things, so we don't do holidays anymore. Why would I sit through any chance of disfunction or fake smiles? No thanks!
So am I being crass?
Nope you're not crass. Just being real. Why spend the holidays with a bunch of Debbie/Dan Downers?!?! I used to call extended family members to wish them well for the holidays. After so many calls listening to them whine and complain about what's wrong in their lives, I stopped calling on holidays. I decided I'm not going to let them ruin my holiday energy with their Bah Humbug mess.
See I don't get why people do that. Why put conditions on someone knowing you're a complete jerk you'll provoke her? Why be such a jerk? Most people I know who are vegetarian and/or vegan don't sit there having a cow at the dinner table because others are eating something they don't.
I usually end up with great conversations with them about what they do eat and how it's prepared. Sorry, but plain old mashed potatoes gets boring! I've gotten some great ideas for cauliflower and other veggies from them. I've learned about a variety of grains as well. Some of them my husband has discovered he enjoys so we make them at home periodically or he looks for them at restaurants now that he knows what they are and how they taste.
Are these family members afraid they might learn something? Might discover a new food? Oh the horrors!
My younger sister is just a biotch. For some reason, my daughter bugs her, and I am not sure why. Might be the purple hair, nose ring, and tats. This sister is very intolerant and judgmental of others in general, and she also sees everything you say as criticism. For example, a few years ago, at Christmas, I told her how good her hair looked. She had dark brown hair but the grays coming in were almost white and evenly distributed so that it almost looked as though she had highlights. She snapped in response, "I am WELL AWARE that my hair is overdue for color, but I just haven't had time to get it done. You don't have to point it out."
I said, "When I said your hair looks nice, what I REALLY meant is that your hair looks nice. Stop reading insults into everything everyone says."
Last year at Thanksgiving, my dd was at her dad's but I went to my sister's. I got the same stupid questions as the year before about why I don't eat meat, and then the older sister said, "Hey, I heard you got a tattoo--let's see it." So I pulled up my sleeve and showed them the tattoo, and the sister whose house we were at looked at me in total disgust and said, "I don't understand why you would even DO something like that", rolling her eyes and shaking her head, and then stomped out of her kitchen. As if I had done something to HER. I would have left except I drove my mother there.
This year, I made other plans and asked one of my bros to drive my mother to my sister's house. I have no patience for this crap at my age.
Oh give us the dirt on Uncle Harry! LOL Are they afraid she'll try to convert them? LOL
When we go to big dinners, there's plenty of things I don't eat. I just keep on placing the plates/bowls. No biggie to me. Some people will have a cow that I didn't eat something because Aunt Mable has been making it since 1773....ok so? I still don't eat brussel sprouts. It's not happening. The world will not end because I don't eat Aunt Mable's brussel sprouts.
It may not end but your not eating aunt Mabel's Brussels sprouts is an affront to mankind..what is wrong with you? Eat your vegetables lol
Holidays coming around, I don't get along with some aunt's/uncle's and some of the cousins , so we stopped the big holiday dinner .
Now spouse , and SIL don't like each other, as well with BIL, amongst other things, so we don't do holidays anymore. Why would I sit through any chance of disfunction or fake smiles? No thanks!
So am I being crass?
That is an awful lot of people that you and your spouse don't get along with.
The common denominator is you? Have you done some real soul searching into why?
Otherwise, no one is required to spend time with anyone they don't want to, no matter what the reason.
Our Family usually goes on our own ways for Christmas and Thanksgiving. As Mexicans (Not Sure What Other Mexicans do) We integrated Thanksgiving in too our Life but our Extended Family is huge. Like more than 12 Uncles and Aunts and all that anyway usually we spend the Holiday's alone or We invite 2 or 3 of our closest Uncles and Aunt's families. Now Last Year on Christmas we all had a get together on the day before Christmas Eve and then Christmas Day Recently and then had our own separate thing. It's a bit confusing but that's how it is
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FOO means "family of origin"
