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I don't think you're crass. I wouldn't seek it out either.
But I do think I'd give some reflective thought to why you and spouse have increasing numbers of people you don't get along with. All I'm saying is the problems are rarely coming from one side.
If it wasn't for my kids I'd skip the family get together! I like for my kids to see their grandmother and cousins, but beyond that I could care less about seeing any of them!
Wow I'm pleasantly surprised by the responses that of course one shouldn't spend the holidays with family
Members who are dysfunctional. In my foo there was some unwritten law that relatives must come holiday time gather for an agonizing prolonged six hour period of forced conversation, thinly veiled jabs and hostility and passive aggressive remarks. I needed a couple days to feel more ok after. One relative lol didn't even make an attempt to appear interested in conversing with others once she arrived for the dinner-- while others passed the time shooting the breeze or other forced fake convos, she took out her knitting ( she wasn't an old lady she was in her forties) and sat there knitting, without bothering to engage at all. Why even bother coming? It was such an obvious "I don't want to be here, I will knit over here in this chair until it's time to eat and then go home"
But my foo was more on the extreme end of dysfunctional. My dad and aunt couldn't stand each other--there was either stony silence or fake smiles mixed with verbal jabs. My mom always hid away in the kitchen more than was necessary for meal prep to avoid it. I hated every minute of all those years of forced foo / relative holiday torture sessions and never understood the point of the necessity of getting together with relatives for forced convos, snide jabs and sometimes outright hostility/ accusations verbal altercations when the whole rest of the year there was no interest whatsoever in the others lives.
When I was a teen I let my dad know I didn't want to go with them to my aunts for Easter, told him I just didn't feel well going over there and at 16 hoped he would respect my feelings on it and allow me to stay back at home. Nope- apparently it was absolutely life or death necessity for me to go and sit there on the couch for half a day til finally the dessert dishes were cleared away-- then at least it signaled we would be starting to get our jackets on and say thank you'd and goodbye til next time. The whole ride home I felt this huge relief it was finally over and never ever understood the need for doing all that as clearly nobody seemed to take much or any enjoyment in it.
Oh and to boot, every Christmas at my aunts my sister would get super offended and start talking to me about what a witch out aunt was-- there was a gift exchange time at the end of torture Christmas Day at aunts. The gift time was like I guess to drive home the point of what a sh**** time it was. Because aunt would for our cousin Cathy make a point of giving her gifts such as a necklace with a heart and matching bracelet, or a ticket to Disneyland, or another time a light purple and blue Schwinn bicycle. Otoh the gifts she gave us was a little plastic Santa doll that was from a dollar or thrift store for a 12 yr old girl? Or a bag of socks for my brother. Me and my brother noticed of course the very big difference in the type of gifts-- bag of socks-- Schwann bicycle... but we kind of rolled with it- my sister however got all worked up and upset and sitting next to me on the couch with our aunt standing a few feet away , my sister would elbow me and saying in a low voice to me about what a f*** b**** our aunt was, she would then after go on and on to our mom about how the aunt did that and our mom just dismissed it as we should be grateful for the gifts.
When our aunt died back in the early '90s at the service my sister was next to me in a pew and she leaned over and whispered to me how much she hated her and how those little plastic Santa dolls she got us from a dollar store were so mean etc.
I am a firm believer in not forcing family holiday times with toxic relatives just because it's some kind of duty.
Last edited by mondayafternoons; 11-14-2017 at 07:59 AM..
If everyone were candid about their families & the holidays, you might be surprised how common this dilemma is. Plus, if you don't spend holidays with extended family (esp. if you're single), then the next dilemma is - where DO you spend the holidays instead? That can be a tough one to figure out year after year.
I always thought that over the years my dysfunctional family dynamic would somehow, magically cure itself by the time we kids were all older (and wiser?). I guess my reasoning was that as we age, we would all become more mature, more compassionate, more forgiving.
Guess what? To my dismay, none of that occurred. If anything, everyone got even more belligerent, stubborn, and so the dysfunction and distance between us grew.
I'm pretty close to being finally reconciled to the fact that we will never be the loving, caring, Hallmark family of my dreams. The more I accept this reality, the happier I am.
Resisting it and trying constantly to "fix" it was the source of my suffering. Now I allow them all be who they are - just without me.
Everyone in my extended family had to suffer through Thanksgiving at my parents. My late father used to do most of the cooking and it was VERY important to eat as early as possible. Sometimes dinner would be served before noon. It was not to be enjoyed. It was more of a job to suffer through, walking on eggshells, hoping none of the grand kids acted up or, God forbid, spilled anything. I learned to hate those dinners. Never enjoyed them. After he passed my mother made sure we had a traditional dinner but to be honest the memories of how they used to be has had a lasting affect on how I see them. I still don't like the dinners and to be honest hate sit down, formal dinners anyway. I am getting anxiety just thinking about them. LOL.
If everyone were candid about their families & the holidays, you might be surprised how common this dilemma is. Plus, if you don't spend holidays with extended family (esp. if you're single), then the next dilemma is - where DO you spend the holidays instead? That can be a tough one to figure out year after year.
I always thought that over the years my dysfunctional family dynamic would somehow, magically cure itself by the time we kids were all older (and wiser?). I guess my reasoning was that as we age, we would all become more mature, more compassionate, more forgiving.
Guess what? To my dismay, none of that occurred. If anything, everyone got even more belligerent, stubborn, and so the dysfunction and distance between us grew.
I'm pretty close to being finally reconciled to the fact that we will never be the loving, caring, Hallmark family of my dreams. The more I accept this reality, the happier I am.
Resisting it and trying constantly to "fix" it was the source of my suffering. Now I allow them all be who they are - just without me.
That was a very freeing epiphany!
I found the same as you-- age doesn't magically transform toxic people. In more recent years, I recall at one foo Christmas after my dad past away, my sister told my brother (sister had 4 kids, brother was never able to have any)--- my sister thought it was a okay comment to make to my brother that "it's a good thing God blessed us with so many kids to make up for you not having any"-- what a s*** thing to say... at another restaurant dinner my brother told my dd that her aunt( our sister) must ride around on a broom when nobody's looking.
My sister and her dh don't believe in ever disciplining or verbally correcting their kids. Ever. For anything. Sucks for other people around them -- at one dinner sisters pre adolescent son was being obnoxious at the dinner table, neither parent corrected him or ordered him to knock it off-- he was going with it, figuring he could be a spoiled jerk and nobody would say anything- finally my brother snapped and told him to knock it off. 😳 My sister cleared her throat and pretended not to notice, the dad who is totally useless when it comes to parenting, just sat there eating as if nothing happened.
Nowadays me and my daughter just do our own little thing for the holidays-- apparently our parents raising us year after year in those highly toxic unhealthy holiday gatherings didn't teach how to interact or treat others. I like just now having a healthy holiday - no duty to be tormented by sick relatives or endure verbal abuse.. take out Chinese and twilight zone marathon, or a good movie, and some favorite dessserts is way better.
Everyone in my extended family had to suffer through Thanksgiving at my parents. My late father used to do most of the cooking and it was VERY important to eat as early as possible. Sometimes dinner would be served before noon. It was not to be enjoyed. It was more of a job to suffer through, walking on eggshells, hoping none of the grand kids acted up or, God forbid, spilled anything. I learned to hate those dinners. Never enjoyed them. After he passed my mother made sure we had a traditional dinner but to be honest the memories of how they used to be has had a lasting affect on how I see them. I still don't like the dinners and to be honest hate sit down, formal dinners anyway. I am getting anxiety just thinking about them. LOL.
Was in the same boat-- it's so sad and regrettable to think back to how my parents could've made a much healthier choice and created happy memories of all those holidays for us kids and also to have a model of what a healthy or loving family acts like. Memories of all my childhood holidays were always just plain sh****, my stomachs getting upset thinking of those times. I resent they didn't as our parents seek to create happier healthier even magical holiday times-- they had the means to do so - they could've so easily passed on the relatives invites and had a special Christmas with cocoa, board games movies role modeling what healthy family dynamics are and for us to learn how to expect others to interact with us in a healthy way
Was in the same boat-- it's so sad and regrettable to think back to how my parents could've made a much healthier choice and created happy memories of all those holidays for us kids and also to have a model of what a healthy or living family acts like. Memories of all my childhood holidays were always just plain sh****, my stomachs getting upset thinking of those times. I resent they didn't as our parents seek to create happier healthier even magical holiday times-- they had the means to do so - they could've so easily passed on the relatives invites and had a special Christmas with cocoa, board games movies role modeling what healthy family dynamics are and for us to learn how to expect others to interact with us in a healthy way
Can't rep you enough. I wish I could take a page out of your book and order Chinese and have nice quiet evening. I will suffer through another one and put on my pretend happy face. Lord, give me strength.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BijouBaby
If everyone were candid about their families & the holidays, you might be surprised how common this dilemma is. Plus, if you don't spend holidays with extended family (esp. if you're single), then the next dilemma is - where DO you spend the holidays instead? That can be a tough one to figure out year after year.
I can answer this one pretty easily. I have spent the holidays with either just my mother (she and the extended family don't get along like that), other friends who have nowhere to go also, or just by myself taking advantage with a day of rest and ordering Chinese food. Why voluntarily put yourself in a stressful situation?
I'm a firm believer in NOT spending time with anyone, family etc., who I find unpleasant. My free time is too precious to me. I also find spending a holiday, alone, doing anything I want, or absolutely nothing is the most enjoyable way to get through them.
Op don't feel bad!!
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