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Actually more often than not whenever we argue about anything money related she always tells me something along the lines of "You know dad I'm going to work extremely hard to get into college and pursue a career that makes sure my kids don't have to go through what I'm going through with you and mom because it really sucks to be me right now" plus a few curse words in there I'm not going to repeat. I really don't appreciate the disrespect and I always tell her to be respectful towards us but we have quite a few issues with her in general.
Here's the thing, Ken:
IF you get her the iPhone she wants, don't think that she's going to be appeased.
Oh, maybe for a day or so she'll be all lovey-dovey and you guys are the best parents ever. Evah!
Soon, the poop will hit the fan again. You have a bigger problem brewing than having made a promise that you may not be able to keep and not being able to afford the latest, greatest object of her desire.
Why doesn't she get a part time job and get her own $950 I phone? How old is this kid. I would not get a kid of mine ANY I Phone. I want them to live their life and not be continuously buried in some addictive cyber reality. Laptops are better for internet access for homework because they are more difficult to constantly carry around.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a Samsung! Both my daughters have had Samsungs since they were allowed cell phones and I'm incredibly satisfied. I would have no issue putting my foot down and telling her she has to live with using a Samsung had I not promised her an iPhone. My main issue is that I don't want to disappoint her after promising her something I know she's been looking forward to for 3 years. She isn't too spoilt. If I hadn't made the mistake of promising her the newest iPhone at 16 she would completely understand us not being able to afford the latest model and would just ask for something else, but I promised her something and my wife and I have always tried to instill the value of staying true to your word in our kids, so it would be so hypocritical of me to manipulate that value whenever it suits my fancy. Not to mention I'd feel horrible letting her down.
The blame here is on me, I even got into a massive argument with my wife over this no more than 2 hours ago because she also thinks this whole situation is on me
Perhaps, the blame would be on you if you gambled away the money that you have saved for this gift. You are certainly not to blame because your family had extra expenses.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kenneth.24
Hi, thank you for taking time out of your day to acknowledge my post.
I have the iphone SE as well and I love it, but you're right to assume she wouldn't be happy with it and it is kind of a waste of money to get her something I know she'll be disappointed by.
Samsung has lovely phones but at my daughter's school there's huge Applemania flying around and 90% of the kids own Apple products. Then again, we do live in Santa Clara County and about 15-20 mins away from the Apple Headquarters so it may have something to do with that, I'm not really sure. I myself don't understand this huge obsession with iPhones and iSomethings either but I feel like a flawed parent depriving my daughter of something she really wants that all her friends and kids at school have just because I miscalculated my finances. I just feel horrible about this whole situation because I know it's all my fault for promising her something I'm now not able to follow up on.
Actually more often than not whenever we argue about anything money related she always tells me something along the lines of "You know dad I'm going to work extremely hard to get into college and pursue a career that makes sure my kids don't have to go through what I'm going through with you and mom because it really sucks to be me right now" plus a few curse words in there I'm not going to repeat. I really don't appreciate the disrespect and I always tell her to be respectful towards us but we have quite a few issues with her in general.
Your daughter sounds very disrespectful to you. I'll share what a loving 16 year old daughter does if there is a family financial emergency. My husband lost his job when our daughter was 16. She immediately went out and got a part time job (without even telling us) so that we would not have to buy her clothes or give her spending money. That is what a loving daughter does, not swear at her father because he does not earn enough money to buy her every luxury that she wants to have.
She's disrespectful because you've taught her to be. She's been indulged, sheltered, not taught the value of things. She sulks you jump. She knows you'll cave. This was the lesson she learned from you; she'll get what she wants if she guilts you into it or gives you the pity party. When she was little and her wants were a lot simpler and less expensive it was easy to satisfy her. Now the wants are much bigger and she expects the same result. Part of your post explains a lot..."sometimes I feel she has a right to be angry" What? Who's manipulating who here? Maybe she's getting a glimpse that the gravy train is coming to an end sooner than she'd prefer, so she's acting out. Don't blame this on a "phase". Its more serious than that.
I really wanted to sympathize with you, honestly I did. Until your followup posts explained more about her behavior. If you buy her the danged phone, even through a deal you can handle, she still ends up with the result she expected from you...a lot of anxiety and bending over backwards on your part just to sate her. If you don't buy her the danged phone and attempt to explain why it isn't realistic, she'll pout, act out, give you the silent treatment or whatever technique gets the best reaction, make you feel terrible, and won't learn a thing.
Its not about which phone it is, how to swing it, which model is better, all the fascinating technical detail, none of it. That is all convenient distraction. Its about reaping what you sow. When the big mean old world hits her in the face she will learn very fast that no one else is going to hand her what she wants just because she can behave badly.
If a child of mine acted this way there is no way I would buy them a new phone at all. If they show some respect and appreciation, that's when good things happen.
My wife is of the same opinion as you, which is why most of our arguments revolve around the way I treat the girls and how I'm not "firm enough", but I'll echo here what I continuously tell my wife whenever this gets brought up: I don't think a child wanting to fit in with her friends is an illustration of bratty or manipulative behavior. If circumstances were different, she wouldn't be like this and her wants would be different, but because everybody around her always has the latest, greatest stuff (and this isn't just going off of what she tells me, I see it with my own eyes) she feels bad owning "inferior" products/clothes etc. because she feels it's an extension of who she is and even though to us it may seem frivolous, this kind of stuff is really important to a 16 year old teenager. In general, fitting in is important to her and that's why she's acting this way. My wife always always chalks up the blame on me and says I'm letting her walk all over me by justifying her disrespect (in general my wife is far stricter with the girls than I am) but what I've been trying to tell her and everyone on here is that if I could afford to give Dani everything she needs, she wouldn't be disrespectful in the first place because other than the money issue, she really is a great kid. She already has her mother yelling at her about all this and I feel like I'll make the situation far worse by also losing my temper and punishing her for something that wouldn't be happening in the first place if I had a higher-paying job.
Your daughter sounds very disrespectful to you. I'll share what a loving 16 year old daughter does if there is a family financial emergency. My husband lost his job when our daughter was 16. She immediately went out and got a part time job (without even telling us) so that we would not have to buy her clothes or give her spending money. That is what a loving daughter does, not swear at her father because he does not earn enough money to buy her every luxury that she wants to have.
She is extremely busy with school, that's why she can't get a job right now. She's working really hard towards getting a full scholarship to UC Berkeley because she knows we can't afford tuition and a job would just add onto the existing stress she endures daily with schoolwork.
My wife is of the same opinion as you, which is why most of our arguments revolve around the way I treat the girls and how I'm not "firm enough", but I'll echo here what I continuously tell my wife whenever this gets brought up: I don't think a child wanting to fit in with her friends is an illustration of bratty or manipulative behavior. If circumstances were different, she wouldn't be like this and her wants would be different, but because everybody around her always has the latest, greatest stuff (and this isn't just going off of what she tells me, I see it with my own eyes) she feels bad owning "inferior" products/clothes etc. because she feels it's an extension of who she is and even though to us it may seem frivolous, this kind of stuff is really important to a 16 year old teenager. In general, fitting in is important to her and that's why she's acting this way. My wife always always chalks up the blame on me and says I'm letting her walk all over me by justifying her disrespect (in general my wife is far stricter with the girls than I am) but what I've been trying to tell her and everyone on here is that if I could afford to give Dani everything she needs, she wouldn't be disrespectful in the first place because other than the money issue, she really is a great kid. She already has her mother yelling at her about all this and I feel like I'll make the situation far worse by also losing my temper and punishing her for something that wouldn't be happening in the first place if I had a higher-paying job.
I honestly don’t know if you are serious. You really think giving your daughter everything (she doesn’t need an iPhone she WANTS one) she wouldn’t be disrespectful? She would just want more. You aren’t equipping her for life. You are teaching her to be rewarded for her bad behavior. If she can’t understand that you can’t afford an iPhone, that’s bad parenting.
I honestly don’t know if you are serious. You really think giving your daughter everything (she doesn’t need an iPhone she WANTS one) she wouldn’t be disrespectful? She would just want more. You aren’t equipping her for life. You are teaching her to be rewarded for her bad behavior. If she can’t understand that you can’t afford an iPhone, that’s bad parenting.
Definitely not everything, If I feel something pushes the boundaries I'm obviously going to say no, but things that I know greatly affect her self-esteem are what worries me.
I've been trying to tell her and everyone on here is that if I could afford to give Dani everything she needs, she wouldn't be disrespectful in the first place because other than the money issue, she really is a great kid. She already has her mother yelling at her about all this and I feel like I'll make the situation far worse by also losing my temper and punishing her for something that wouldn't be happening in the first place if I had a higher-paying job.
Look, I (and many others here) was a 16-year-old girl once. I know how this stuff works. I also grew up in a town that had a reputation as "rich" – where there were many kids who had far more fabulous material items than I did. Big houses. The latest clothes. New cars. Fancy meals out. This is nothing new. There's just more "stuff" to have than ever before and they're more aware of what other people have, thanks to social media.
We don't all get to have whatever our little hearts desire. It's a hard lesson.
If you could "afford to give her everything she needs"? Does she have a warm home to live in? Is she well fed? Do you provide medical care when needed?
She has loving parents. But she's laying the guilt trip on you to the hilt. She's 16; I give her some slack because she IS still a kid. But worse, you're allowing it. Because you DO feel guilt that you're "not good enough" – inadequate! – to keep up with the Joneses and so, your little girl has to "suffer."
So she's a good student. She's got goals. Great. She's also got some maturing to do. Throwing in your face how she's going to do better than you – you've got a Mean Girl going there.
It's too bad she can't have everything she wants so others will admire her – I mean, "fit in."
I hope some day, she realizes how her pouting, ranting, and awful words made her dad feel.
But unless you and your wife get on the same page and get a grip on this now, I wouldn't hold my breath.
Being a good parent has nothing to do with giving your children everything they want. The teenage years are difficult for parents because even the best child can become self centered.
Many of my friends gave their children every material thing they wanted and now these children are spoiled adults who make good money but spend every penny they make. After all, they got everything they wanted growing up so they need to continue down that path. These are the same middle class adults who are 1-2 paychecks away from being homeless unless mommy and daddy bails them out.
This argument has been going on for decades from teenagers. I have to have ________ because all my friends have one. Fill in the blank with a new car, designer clothes, new high dollar shoes and now high priced technology.
Tough love goes very far in teaching your children about life so they will become successful independent adults.
Growing up poor my parents could not afford to send us to college so we all worked part and full time jobs to pay our own way through school. We learned the value of money the hard way but also learned to stand on our own feet. What a concept that is foreign to parents and their children today.
Last edited by littlebebe; 12-16-2017 at 10:18 AM..
This thread is surreal to me. When I was 16 (am 59 now), I wore patched clothes and did not always know where my next meal would be coming from or if I would be even alive the next day, thanks to a war going on. But in retrospect that hardship was ultimately good for me. I came to the US and eventually earned 4 degrees and have had a good life (so far).
OP - explain to your daughter how getting her an iPhone would impact your finances. I think the way she reacts will be telling.
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Perhaps, the blame would be on you if you gambled away the money that you have saved for this gift. You are certainly not to blame because your family had extra expenses.
