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Although I totally respect firefighters, I wouldn't want this rubbed in my face all the time. So I can see where OP is coming from. I used to have a friend who worked as a RN and she let it go to her head in many ways. She was always bringing this up "I'm a nurse so I would know that" and "oh, but you don't have the experience I have in nursing or you would..." Got to the point where most people couldn't stand to be around her. She just wouldn't let it go. I think it's great that people love and are proud of their chosen career, but at some point, they need to learn respect for others around them.
I would hope though that if you had accepted the position of Maid of Honor at her wedding, you would put aside your grievances and focus on her. This is his brother. It is selfish IMO to go to him and whine about how he doesn't like the other members of the wedding party, what is the brother supposed to do about it? He has enough on his mind and he should just be able to enjoy his wedding without worrying about whether his brother is getting enough social reassurance from the other groomsmen.
Just don't do it if you don't feel like doing it and don't let anyone guilt you into doing it either.
Me and my sister had a falling out once and didn't talk to each other for almost a year! In that time, she had a baby, and got married. I was so mad at her, I didn't attend her wedding and wasn't around when my niece was born then again I don't care for weddings anyways lol.
My point is, if you don't want to do it then don't. Being there will cause resentment if you continue to feel this way.
As usual, people are being to hard on an OP. It's true, people do have a right to their feelings, even if those feelings aren't the greatest.
I get the sense these firefighter guys are being jerks but aren't aware of their behavior. Consider skipping the bachelor party, perhaps, if they don't give this up. I wouldn't want this attitude being rubbed in my face, either. I cannot stand cliques and cliques can be a destructive force in larger groups.
When I was in college, I tried to befriend a group of people who were a clique that had known each other from their hometowns. I didn't have that history with them so I was at a disadvantage. I tried hopelessly to fit in. Sometimes they'd invite me to lunch, other times they'd blow me off and do things without me. One day, I just decided to stop talking to them altogether and moved on with my life. They were stunned for a while but I never looked back or had regrets. It is what it is.
Exactly what I was thinking and it's like some of the posters are pretty guilt tripping him into attending a wedding he doesn't want to be at. I believe he should drop out and let one of his friends be the best man. The OP is already angry and attending the wedding will bring forth more resentment.
Sometimes, it's ok to be a little selfish and put yourself before others.
I understand, OP. I’ve been around a “brotherhood†myself & you know what?
It can get old. And I’m a girl, I’m not even anybody’s actual brother! It’s like always being the one left out of an inside joke. The only one.
And then there is the lingo that you don’t understand. The traditions, the “unwritten rulesâ€, the “codes†... All the conversations you can’t follow because you have no clue who the “legendary crazy SOB†was that always seems to come up, the right-hand-shake-slap-the-shoulder-with-the-left-hand & call them “Brotherâ€...
After a few hours of this you just want to scream “Oh, come on!â€
But just do it. Go to your brother’s wedding. The other guys might be “a brother†but you’re “The Brotherâ€.
Just don't do it if you don't feel like doing it and don't let anyone guilt you into doing it either.
Me and my sister had a falling out once and didn't talk to each other for almost a year! In that time, she had a baby, and got married. I was so mad at her, I didn't attend her wedding and wasn't around when my niece was born then again I don't care for weddings anyways lol.
My point is, if you don't want to do it then don't. Being there will cause resentment if you continue to feel this way.
When we married, I would never expect to be put on such a pedestal that my sister is uncomfortable around my friends.
My wedding wasn't "MY DAY" to the detriment of ANYONE. We could've just ran off and eloped. A wedding day or reception is not a requirement to being happily married or getting married. And no bachelor party needed. If he wasn't ready to get married and needed a party like that as some last fling, then he shouldn't get married. Luckily we've been happily married for about 3 decades now
Hopefully the OP will just simply do what is comfortable to him. The Groom will find another best man and he should want to if his brother is uneasy. Simple.
Only one other poster, it appears, has asked the OP about his own friends and no answer has yet been forthcoming. Maybe he's never had close friends and so cannot understand his brother's bonds with his friends from work. Maybe the OP's friends weren't really good friends after all and have drifted away since his accident, or maybe he has driven them away with his negativity.
Maybe he feels his brother is the only one he has left and can feel him slipping away, probably more because of the impending marriage than the work friends but, since he likes the sister-in-law to be it's easier for him to focus on the friends.
He has stated he doesn't believe any kind of counseling could help him but has said nothing at all about whether he has had any. The strongest person in the world would need plenty of counseling to begin to cope with the huge changes he has been going through. While he has said he's starting a new job, I wonder if he has pushed himself at all to get back out and do some of the things he used to enjoy. He's essentially starting life over and needs to find a new confidence to set himself on a path to the future.
Henry Ford said "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right." It's time for Van to start thinking about doing things again and looking for ways to accomplish them rather than reasons he cannot. What he absolutely can do now is have a real conversation with his brother about the bachelor party and other wedding concerns. Maybe there's a way to borrow some money and take that trip out of town; I really think those guys whom he may have focused his anger on could help with the logistics. All Van would need to do is bring a positive attitude.
It may also be that he should just plan a dinner for the people he believes should be there (and that definitely would include all the men in the wedding party and maybe other work friends who are not in the party) and possibly some cousins or school friends of his brother even if there was some indication they needn't be on the list. Surprising his brother with some old friends could never be taken wrong. It could be a fancy steak house or just pizza and beer, it's about getting people together who care about the groom - it's not a contest.
On a side note to a couple of posters who believe some comments have been mean to the OP, I disagree. It's kind of like in the old movies where in a time of crisis one guy slaps another across the face and yells "Get a hold of yourself, man!" They don't do it to hurt anyone but to get the one frozen in shock to come to his senses and take control of the situation. The OP needs to take new control of his life and facing these rather small wedding challenges can be a great opportunity to begin.
It may also be that he should just plan a dinner for the people he believes should be there (and that definitely would include all the men in the wedding party and maybe other work friends who are not in the party) and possibly some cousins or school friends of his brother even if there was some indication they needn't be on the list. Surprising his brother with some old friends could never be taken wrong. It could be a fancy steak house or just pizza and beer, it's about getting people together who care about the groom - it's not a contest.
Who will pay for your dinner suggestion above? And what is the purpose of a dinner? A dinner is by no means inexpensive.
Do you mean have a dinner instead of the very outmoded antiquated completely unneeded silly bachelor party?
(they already had what could be used as the 'requirement' of the bachelor party when they all gathered together to attend the Colts game; even though OP Van did not attend, that gathering could suffice as a bachelor party)
Last edited by matisse12; 02-06-2018 at 02:10 AM..
Do YOU have any friends that aren't related? Or are you too shy to make friends? Are you close to any other relatives, and could you discuss this with any of them? Best wishes.
Yes I have friends that aren't related to me. But, I don't put them on the same level as family.
Only one other poster, it appears, has asked the OP about his own friends and no answer has yet been forthcoming. Maybe he's never had close friends and so cannot understand his brother's bonds with his friends from work. Maybe the OP's friends weren't really good friends after all and have drifted away since his accident, or maybe he has driven them away with his negativity.
Maybe he feels his brother is the only one he has left and can feel him slipping away, probably more because of the impending marriage than the work friends but, since he likes the sister-in-law to be it's easier for him to focus on the friends.
He has stated he doesn't believe any kind of counseling could help him but has said nothing at all about whether he has had any. The strongest person in the world would need plenty of counseling to begin to cope with the huge changes he has been going through. While he has said he's starting a new job, I wonder if he has pushed himself at all to get back out and do some of the things he used to enjoy. He's essentially starting life over and needs to find a new confidence to set himself on a path to the future.
Henry Ford said "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right." It's time for Van to start thinking about doing things again and looking for ways to accomplish them rather than reasons he cannot. What he absolutely can do now is have a real conversation with his brother about the bachelor party and other wedding concerns. Maybe there's a way to borrow some money and take that trip out of town; I really think those guys whom he may have focused his anger on could help with the logistics. All Van would need to do is bring a positive attitude.
It may also be that he should just plan a dinner for the people he believes should be there (and that definitely would include all the men in the wedding party and maybe other work friends who are not in the party) and possibly some cousins or school friends of his brother even if there was some indication they needn't be on the list. Surprising his brother with some old friends could never be taken wrong. It could be a fancy steak house or just pizza and beer, it's about getting people together who care about the groom - it's not a contest.
On a side note to a couple of posters who believe some comments have been mean to the OP, I disagree. It's kind of like in the old movies where in a time of crisis one guy slaps another across the face and yells "Get a hold of yourself, man!" They don't do it to hurt anyone but to get the one frozen in shock to come to his senses and take control of the situation. The OP needs to take new control of his life and facing these rather small wedding challenges can be a great opportunity to begin.
A single dinner won't work for a bachelor party and I said before that my brother only wants it for the wedding party. I can't invite cousins, school friends, or other friends.
I also won't borrow money just so I can attend an expensive out of town party that would include hotel rooms, gas, and other expenses. I did some counseling in rehab and didn't help. I'm not going to try going because I still have to do a lot of appointments with physical and occupational therapists and my general physician and a neurologist.
Interesting. Seems that these other brothers aren't the unfeeling jerks you presented them to be. We all have our pride, but pride can go too far. OK, thread posters made some reasonable suggestions and considered other ways to look at this. So far nothing seems agreeable to you. You have made up your mind. Think again...what was the real reason you asked about it? If you are so confident in your position and are not willing to consider any other ways to think about it there's nothing anyone else can do. Enjoy your pinnacle...you'll have it all to yourself a lot longer than one day at a wedding.
I said my parents were the ones who I lived with and they helped me with money.
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