I don't want to be in my brother's wedding anymore due to his friends (retired, member)
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I think you might be referring to a different poster?
In what respect? This is word for word from OPs first post:
"Anyway, my brother is a firefighter and has been one for close to ten years now. He is close friends with his fellow firefighters and a few cops. To be frank, I'm sick and tired of their "brotherhood" attitudes and the firefighter friends that are in the wedding almost act as if they are important to my brother than I am. It pisses me off and I can't stand their "brother" bull<bleep>. I have been in my brother's life for 31 years now and I feel like being shafted out by people that aren't related to us and also people who we didn't grow up with. Lately with planning the bachelor party and other pre wedding events, I'm tired of his firefighter friends trying to act like they are more important than me."
There is nothing about them not being nice to OP or anything, he is jealous of the bond they share and wants to have the same kind of bond with his brother. That can be addressed without blowing up the wedding, it's a separate issue.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl
In what respect? This is word for word from OPs first post:
"Anyway, my brother is a firefighter and has been one for close to ten years now. He is close friends with his fellow firefighters and a few cops. To be frank, I'm sick and tired of their "brotherhood" attitudes and the firefighter friends that are in the wedding almost act as if they are important to my brother than I am. It pisses me off and I can't stand their "brother" bull<bleep>. I have been in my brother's life for 31 years now and I feel like being shafted out by people that aren't related to us and also people who we didn't grow up with. Lately with planning the bachelor party and other pre wedding events, I'm tired of his firefighter friends trying to act like they are more important than me."
There is nothing about them not being nice to OP or anything, he is jealous of the bond they share and wants to have the same kind of bond with his brother. That can be addressed without blowing up the wedding, it's a separate issue.
Who are you trying to talk to, ocn?
Maybe if you read through the entire thread, you'd see you're referring to the opinions of another poster besides me.
I really don't have any comment at all about the firefighters.
I think you might be referring to a different poster?
Maybe I misunderstood. A poster suggested he buck up and carry on with what he agreed to,and it seemed like you thought he shouldn't have to rise to the challenge of being Best Man because of being in a wheelchair. I thought you were one of the people saying he should back out of the wedding. I was just pointing out there is no evidence of mistreatment by the groomsmen just OPs insecurities and jealousies, so being in a w/c shouldn't change what OP decides.
Athletes who compete in wheelchairs are about the most courageous people there are.
Stop trying to put this on me.
It's on you.
The life of a man who has recently been confined to a wheelchair is one enormous challenge after another. That deserves respect. A lot of respect.
I suspect (but don't know) you don't have any experience in this area.
If you do have close experience with young people who suddenly are confined to a wheelchair, I'll ask it again.
Did you just say that?
I don't believe anyone said anything negative or disrespectful about athletes who compete in wheelchairs. Did I miss something?
The OP has been through a lot, and I don't see anyone minimizing that. However, it sounds like his issues with his brother's friends, at least some of them, predate the accident.
Last edited by Catgirl64; 02-06-2018 at 12:06 PM..
Clearly these guys are not as important because your brother asked you to be his best man. I would ignore them. Once the wedding is over you don't have to see them.
When we married, I would never expect to be put on such a pedestal that my sister is uncomfortable around my friends.
My wedding wasn't "MY DAY" to the detriment of ANYONE. We could've just ran off and eloped. A wedding day or reception is not a requirement to being happily married or getting married. And no bachelor party needed. If he wasn't ready to get married and needed a party like that as some last fling, then he shouldn't get married. Luckily we've been happily married for about 3 decades now
Hopefully the OP will just simply do what is comfortable to him. The Groom will find another best man and he should want to if his brother is uneasy. Simple.
Let's say I was getting married... I wouldn't want someone there if they didn't want to be there.
For the OP: I'm very sorry to hear of the accident. I can't imagine what you are going through and what you have gone through and I hope that all the best in life comes to you. Now regarding your brother. I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that the current circumstances probably mean your life is in a lot of transition, and transition is not always good, especially when you are surrendering to what you've been through. I will say that in times of transition, you want to hold on the tightest to the things that bring you happiness and stability, and I'm going to assume that your relationship with your brother brings you both. This is probably also a very scary time, and I'll bet that you might be fearful of abandonment by the people that you love. I would feel downright vulnerable if I were in your situation, and that's not a good feeling.
If I am right about these things, then I think the best thing for you to do is to take some time to clear your head about your brother's friends, and ask your brother if you can sit down with him and really talk. If I'm truly correct, I think that you should tell him how much he means to you and that even though there have been some changes in your life and none of them good, that you don't want anything with him to change, no matter what. I think that your feelings about this situation with his friends are spillover from your fear of what else you may lose because of the accident. Let him know that you don't want to be treated differently but be honest with him if there are times that you might not be yourself. He should be empathetic that this is a difficult time for you. For the record, if he's been a good brother to you all of these years, I think that he would understand and that he will continue to be. Make every day and every situation with him good, and if he's been a good brother to you, your relationship will remain strong. Best wishes and best of luck to you.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catgirl64
I don't believe anyone said anything negative or disrespectful about athletes who compete in wheelchairs. Did I miss something?
The OP has been through a lot, and I don't see anyone minimizing that. However, it sounds like his issues with his brother's friends, at least some of them, predate the accident.
Unless it's been deleted, no, I don't think anyone said anything disrespectful about athletes in wheelchairs.
A single dinner won't work for a bachelor party and I said before that my brother only wants it for the wedding party. I can't invite cousins, school friends, or other friends.
I also won't borrow money just so I can attend an expensive out of town party that would include hotel rooms, gas, and other expenses. I did some counseling in rehab and didn't help. I'm not going to try going because I still have to do a lot of appointments with physical and occupational therapists and my general physician and a neurologist.
I've followed this thread with interest and read all the responses.
Vanb, I think under all the circumstances you've related here that you are under a great deal of emotional pain and stress and are not up to coping with the physical, emotional and financial pressures of being best man for your brother. I believe your brother could not possibly have realized how insecure and heart-sick you feel and how difficult and stressful this was all going to be for you to try to shoulder the responsibilities of a best man. Your brother loves you and asked you to be best man because he loves you but I think if he'd had any idea how much worse this was all going to make you feel he never would have asked you to stand up for him.
Being asked to be best man is a high honour but if the person asked is finding that he isn't able to fulfill the request then the honourable thing to do is decline so that the groom still has time to get a suitable replacement to stand up for him and take on the best man's responsibilities. So I think your biggest responsibility now is that you should speak to your brother together with your mom and dad as soon as possible and beg out of being his best man so that you and your brother can both save face.
You should NOT tell him how you personally feel about his work colleagues, at least not at this time. If you did that it would just cause more stress and emotional pain for him too, which he doesn't need at this time when he's dealing with his approaching marriage. Also, if you tell him how you feel about his friends/colleagues you are guaranteed that will put up a bigger barrier between you and your brother. So don't do it. Speak to your counselors and therapists about it first and let them help you get through your insecurities about your brother's non-family relationships that exclude you.
Just tell your brother that you're finding that the responsibilities and expectations of being best man is all far too much for you to cope with and is making you worried and sick at heart and that you don't want to spoil his wedding by trying and then failing to do the things that you know you aren't capable of fulfilling. Don't use his buddies and work colleagues as your excuse and scape goat for backing out because if you do he will resent you for trying to manipulate him to make choices between you and other people. That kind of thing can have the potential for effecting your relationship negatively with your brother for the rest of your lives.
I know I'm repeating what enough other people have already told you here, but man, your REALLY need to get some counseling and help about the emotional and inferiority issues you're experiencing along with having to deal with the physical disabilities resulting from your recent accident. You are a wreck right now and I know your brother thought he was doing a good thing asking you to stand up for him but personally I think your brother inadvertently did you a big disfavour and should not have asked you to be his best man because you definitely are not up to it. So back out gracefully now while you still can, before it's too late for both of you to save face and too late to repair the damages to the wedding plans and to your relationship with each other. Seriously. And go get some counseling.
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