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Disown your brother and mother, and if you can take the father in and want to, you can. If your father isn't wiling to move in with you if he isn't willing to deal with it himself, that's his problem. You need to focus on yourself first.
I would go to a lawyer or the police and ask them how you can protect yourself. You don't have to file a report against your brother. Just talk to them. More information is always good.
I hate to say this, but it is only going to get worse.
There is no reason for you to support your father in this situation.
[quote=ClaraC;56542590]
Although it's typical to think the mother 'created' his dependency, it's also just as likely he was flawed from early on and that's why she gave him the extra help. For those who say all she had to do was give him tough love, look at homeless camps and prisons. That's where many of the "tough love" kids end up if their parents don't support them."
I agree with you. I think there is a great danger that he finishes homeless, because he is a great spender and he don't work. He and his family are living with my stepfather money for years. If my stepfather dies my mother won't be able to continue paying for his expenses. I know she thinks she is helping him, but he will only sell it to expend it all.
This is annoying, but not terribly uncommon. The "good" respectable sibling doesn't get financial support from the parents while the irresponsible one does.
And there's really nothing you can do about it - it's your mom's money.
Maybe you could look at this as a compliment - your mother knows you don't need help into adulthood.
Also, let me offer this. Although it's typical to think the mother 'created' his dependency, it's also just as likely he was flawed from early on and that's why she gave him the extra help. For those who say all she had to do was give him tough love, look at homeless camps and prisons. That's where many of the "tough love" kids end up if their parents don't support them. Do the parents cause the dependency by catering to them or do the kids cause the parents to give them financial support and overlook theft because their adult child would be homeless or dead otherwise? My guess is the second thing.
<gag>
Yes, he was "flawed," and that somehow FORCED HIM to steal $20,000 from his mother -- yeah, that was his ONLY option because he was so freakin' helpless. (Are you kidding me?!!)
(Clara, I think you are very well-meaning and kind, but in virtually all of your posts, you seem to suggest that when someone does something really crappy, it's just not their fault at all [poor babies], and the other people in their lives should just forgive them EVERYTHING. And I think that is absolutely nuts.)
Oh, OP, your poor brother, he was "flawed," so you should give him everything you have too. After all, he needs it more than you, right?
Holy crap. Makes me want to vomit at the ABSOLUTE ABSENCE of any notion of responsibility on the part of, you know, THE THIEF.
And if I had a kid like that, I would PREFER that he be homeless or dead, because (a) I would be so appalled that I CREATED such a disgusting person, and (b), more importantly, that is what he DESERVES. Shared DNA should not trump being an absolutely worthless, disgusting human being. Why on earth do some people think it DOES?
======
To the person who anonymously rep'd me with this comment (seriously, you can't sign your name? a mod could tell me who your are, if I really wanted to know -- you're not THAT anonymous ): "You would be so appalled that you CREATED him?? Instead of being angry at yourself? You are angry at (if that's the case) someone you created?? Wow. Out money is painful but HATE the person? Sad."
Yes, I WOULD be utterly disgusted that I raised such a worthless human being (and yes, probably angry at myself too -- one does not preclude the other). (Note, I never said I HATED the person -- just would not want him/her in my life.) Seriously, you WOULDN'T be appalled if you created someone who later stole $20,000 from you?!! I don't understand the mentality that DNA trumps everything. And I say this as someone who dearly loves MOST of my family members -- you know, the ones who are decent, kind human beings. The ones who are NOT? Why on earth would I want them in my life? I don't get that at all, and I find THAT mentality INCREDIBLY sad.
Last edited by karen_in_nh_2012; 11-01-2019 at 04:10 PM..
Reason: respond to some coward's anonymous rep comment - seriously, you can't sign your name?
My brother doesn't understand the concept of responsibility. One month before we discovered the theft, he had put his wife and kid out of their house, saying that he was "tired of them". (they're back now) . He wanted a divorce because he was with another woman. I know he spent a lot of money with her. He also stole jewelry from my mother, probably to give her.
I think it is unfair to reward a theft with a gift. And also unfair that my mother thinks I have to spend my money helping my father, and not my brother. If she thinks I don't need anything, that is ok. It is her money and she can do whatever she wants. But I can't agree with her that he is a helpless little boy who couldn't do better than steal his family. And I sure don't want to be responsible for him in the future.
One of my 3 adult sons became addicted to drugs, stole and has been in prison and homeless. We all tried to help for years but now we are all done. I will take his phone calls but that’s it. I don’t blame myself. We all need to take responsibility for our actions.
My brother doesn't understand the concept of responsibility. One month before we discovered the theft, he had put his wife and kid out of their house, saying that he was "tired of them". (they're back now) . He wanted a divorce because he was with another woman. I know he spent a lot of money with her. He also stole jewelry from my mother, probably to give her.
I think it is unfair to reward a theft with a gift. And also unfair that my mother thinks I have to spend my money helping my father, and not my brother. If she thinks I don't need anything, that is ok. It is her money and she can do whatever she wants. But I can't agree with her that he is a helpless little boy who couldn't do better than steal his family. And I sure don't want to be responsible for him in the future.
It's crazy t reward the theft with a gift of any kind, but both houses? What will she have to give him next time? If there is to be enabling, it should at least be doled out.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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[quote=cristina_19701;56542838]
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
Although it's typical to think the mother 'created' his dependency, it's also just as likely he was flawed from early on and that's why she gave him the extra help. For those who say all she had to do was give him tough love, look at homeless camps and prisons. That's where many of the "tough love" kids end up if their parents don't support them."
I agree with you. I think there is a great danger that he finishes homeless, because he is a great spender and he don't work. He and his family are living with my stepfather money for years. If my stepfather dies my mother won't be able to continue paying for his expenses. I know she thinks she is helping him, but he will only sell it to expend it all.
Yes, it's likely once your stepfather passes away, times will get very tough for your brother and he may in fact end up homeless. It sounds like your mother is trying to keep your brother's head above water for as long as she is possibly able. Which won't be forever.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
35,636 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50678
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacher Terry
One of my 3 adult sons became addicted to drugs, stole and has been in prison and homeless. We all tried to help for years but now we are all done. I will take his phone calls but that’s it. I don’t blame myself. We all need to take responsibility for our actions.
I'm curious - where is he now? Has he gotten his feet under him? Is he working toward being self-sustaining?
Your story is so painful to read. I had a son who took a longer time to become self-supporting, and it was looking like he never would, and was on a forever downward spiral (he's not quite 30 now) but he finally did get traction. Where his brothers were on a completely upward path all along, this one was not. But man, look at him now! Doing great. ;D I'm so very grateful we kept supporting him although he was flailing, and we've adjusted our will to reflect that he will get a lesser sum, and all of the kids (including him) are completely good with that. And my marriage for a time suffered terribly - I was NOT going to cut him off, although my husband felt we were enabling his negative behaviors.
I wonder where he would be if we had followed tough love advise, and cut him off when he was floundering and frankly, self-destructing.
EDITED TO ADD: Teacher Terry, please don't see this as a condemnation of you finally deciding you have to distance yourselves from your son. Sometimes, that's what you have to do. You can't throw your life away because you have a child who is unable to function. But I'm concerned about parents who do it too quickly, while their children are still trying to figure out how to be an adult.
I'm curious - where is he now? Has he gotten his feet under him? Is he working toward being self-sustaining?
Your story is so painful to read. I had a son who took a longer time to become self-supporting, and it was looking like he never would, and was on a forever downward spiral (he's not quite 30 now) but he finally did get traction. Where his brothers were on a completely upward path all along, this one was not. But man, look at him now! Doing great. ;D I'm so very grateful we kept supporting him although he was flailing, and we've adjusted our will to reflect that he will get a lesser sum, and all of the kids (including him) are completely good with that. And my marriage for a time suffered terribly - I was NOT going to cut him off, although my husband felt we were enabling his negative behaviors.
I wonder where he would be if we had followed tough love advise, and cut him off when he was floundering and frankly, self-destructing.
EDITED TO ADD: Teacher Terry, please don't see this as a condemnation of you finally deciding you have to distance yourselves from your son. Sometimes, that's what you have to do. You can't throw your life away because you have a child who is unable to function. But I'm concerned about parents who do it too quickly, while their children are still trying to figure out how to be an adult.
IMHO, there is a tremendous difference between helping out an adult child in their 20s , possibly just a few years out of college, who is a "slow starter" and fully supporting and enabling an adult child who is a grown man, married with a child, still living at home who should be firmly in adult hood (at age 38).
And, a married man stealing his mothers jewelry and $20,000 from his parents (probably to give to his mistress)...shame on him.
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): "You would be so appalled that you CREATED him?? Instead of being angry at yourself? You are angry at (if that's the case) someone you created?? Wow. Out money is painful but HATE the person? Sad."
