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If you want a good relationship with your dad, you will have to suck it up, and associate with GF. I don’t think you need to buy her a gift, if this has not been the family custom in the past. But OTOH, how hard would it be to buy a gift card for her?
Your father is who he is. The GF is who she is. You can’t change them. It sounds like that if you want to be around one, you will have to tolerate the other. But you certainly can minimize how much time you spend around them.
I do tolerate her. I am nice with her. But I also don't want to pretend this is the Brady Bunch, because that is what she wants. Like I said she sucks up to us constantly, she tries to win us over.
When they started to seriously date two years ago, she started to tell me how amazing my mother is and how she looks up to my mom and aspires to be like her. That she was impressed by the woman that my mother was when they talked. This was EVERY TIME I saw her she had to promote my mom's greatness. I was like lady shut up already.....you're not winning me over like that. So then I asked my mom when did she ever meet my dad's girlfriend, and my mom said once but like just a hi and bye when she bumped into her and my dad. My mom thought it was weird that she praises her so much.
When my widowed dad married a complete loser, my husband asked me do want to be with him 7 days a week to make him happy and give him companionship? My answer was no. Why are you so hard on the woman when your father has been such a player and deserves no respect for how he’s treated women? You’re laying it all on the lady’s shoulders because she took the bs your dad gave her and stayed? She is a people pleaser and will take **** so she feels loved and needed. They probably deserve each other. Your judgment on fault is biased for sure, your dad was/is half of the screwed up relationship. Don’t let your mind get into the middle of their disjunction. I doubt she will ever be a favorite person You have every right not to like her. Kudos to you for treating her with politeness. I know how hard to be around someone for decades that you don’t care for. If she’s going to be around your dad and you want to relationship with him she will be part of it. Tell your dad you’ll do everything you can to be kind and welcoming, but you too have a life and can’t always be around for her plans, especially since you just saw her.
Oh trust me I have let my dad have it multiple times. He was a serial cheater and disregarded women like no other. The only one he ever treated with respect was my mother. The rest of the women in his life he cheated on them like nothing. He has heard it from me and my siblings what we think of me, it's just I can't be as raw with his GF because at the end of the day she's not my dad. But with my dad I am very raw on how I feel about his behavior. He knows.
But we are doing dinner tonight, tomorrow and on New Year's day. That's already 3 times in one week! Dinner with her kids would be the 4th in one week. Seems like overkill.
But I also don't want to pretend this is the Brady Bunch, because that is what she wants.
The Brady Bunch is a fictional television show. In reality, merging families is difficult and brings about a lot of conflict. Adult children usually are not too fond of their parents' new relationships. They might conceptually be ok with them, but it's not like they are all too excited to spend time with some adult who wasn't around for their formative years. The parent, who is typically 50+, could be in a relationship with a partner who is great, lousy, or somewhere in between and it won't matter all that much to the adult children in their 20s/30s. The adult child would rather be supportive from afar if they are ok with the relationship, or hostile if they are not. Either way, they are not inclined to participate in family gatherings.
I do tolerate her. I am nice with her. But I also don't want to pretend this is the Brady Bunch, because that is what she wants. Like I said she sucks up to us constantly, she tries to win us over.
When they started to seriously date two years ago, she started to tell me how amazing my mother is and how she looks up to my mom and aspires to be like her. That she was impressed by the woman that my mother was when they talked. This was EVERY TIME I saw her she had to promote my mom's greatness. I was like lady shut up already.....you're not winning me over like that. So then I asked my mom when did she ever meet my dad's girlfriend, and my mom said once but like just a hi and bye when she bumped into her and my dad. My mom thought it was weird that she praises her so much.
It us what is, what it is, what it is.
I think you need to be an adult in this matter. Someone else made the point that these two probably deserve each other. You can’t change this. If you want to be around your dad, you will have to tolerate this woman.
Ask yourself what the consequences would be if you blew off the dinner. Who will be affected? Who will be hurt?
How will the ramifications affect you?
But I agree that one more thing during the holidays is just one more obligation. Sometimes we have to suck it up. You need to decide if the cost is too great to blow it off, or too great to attend. I imagine this dinner is seen as a way for your father and gf to ingratiate themselves with family.
So, we can only advise on this thread. Really, the decision is up to you.
Sounds like your Dad and this woman are perfect for each other. Call her on the phone and be sweet. Just say you guys have a really busy holiday season and will see her & Dad at the planned time but you regretfully won’t be able to make another commitment for dinner at their table with both families combined. I wouldn’t get her a gift if you don’t want to exchange gifts. I am not a gifty person and I don’t give holiday presents to my son or his wife. (I do lots of other nice things throughout the year). If she gives you a gift and you don’t reciprocate, she will learn not to do it again.
This sounds like a good solution. You can tell her you have "other plans", but look forward to seeing her on the other days.
Frimp, I couldn't even make it through that whole narrative; you lost me after "heroin addict". I also agree with the poster who said, that your dad is no peach, either. IMO if you can stomach him, you can manage to get along with her, though I'll grant you that it's a very uncomfortable situation, with or without holiday schmoozes in the mix. But it sounds like you do make an effort to at least keep up appearances with her; your thread is about whether you should be required to go an extra mile, right?
Isn't this the "family" that you said you were so close to, that it was hard to contemplate spreading your wings and moving to Florida? Did I get that right? Help me understand. Did you mean some other family members?
Oh trust me I have let my dad have it multiple times. He was a serial cheater and disregarded women like no other. The only one he ever treated with respect was my mother. The rest of the women in his life he cheated on them like nothing. He has heard it from me and my siblings what we think of me, it's just I can't be as raw with his GF because at the end of the day she's not my dad. But with my dad I am very raw on how I feel about his behavior. He knows.
And what business of yours are your father's relationships? I do not know what being raw means but get the gist. Be grateful that she keeps him company and will hopefully be there when your CD posts belong in the care giving forum.
Time for your dad to move away from this woman if he wants to ditch her. Like, to Antarctica. Or you could plan a vacation during Christmas Week and not be around anyone except those whom you invite to join you. My husband's brother does that - they live in the UK and weren't happy about who was doing what, where, when and to whom so they go to Spain in their camper every year. They leave a pile of presents behind so there's no resentment and they have a nice vacay. Last year their son, his wife (whom they like) and their two kids joined them but made all their own arrangements. I'm thinking that if a few of the unwelcome rellies get in on the action, they'll have to go further away.
She wants you to get together with her adult two kids, one went to jail for armed robbery and the other is a recovering heroin addict? And you told your dad:
Quote:
I am not going to that
Good for you.
Bty, Christmas is truly a family time but not NYE. NYE is party time for anyone who wants to party. I would not feel any obligation whatsoever to visit family on NYE or new years day. Unless it's been a family tradition for a long time.
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