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My dad's current girlfriend is not my favorite. While they have only been together for 2 years, she has been around lurking for a good 20+ years now. She was the mistress in one of my dad's marriages and she is always the mistress in other relationships with my dad's other girlfriends. She was my dad's constant back up choice, but he would never commit to her, only keep her in the shadows. On top of that her three kids, one was killed in a gang fight (he was a gangbanger), the other went to jail for armed robbery and her third is a recovering heroin addict, but her kids are never around. On top of that she sucks up to all of us and tries to get super involved in our lives. For example, if I want to have a dinner with just my siblings and my dad, she shows up. It's like she wants us to all love her. But it's hard when she got drunk at a party and revealed to everyone in a laughing matter that her daughter's father isn't her real father and she had cheated on her then boyfriend with another man and that her daughter's real father was another guy. This was all revealed drunk in a joking manner when her daughter was 18 and her daughter found out then too.
My dad who is now 70, two years ago his last girlfriend (who he was cheating on with his current girlfriend) they broke up, which led him to commit to her finally. But the only reason, while he won't say it, that he is with her is out of financial convenience and so he isn't lonely (he can't stay single). The thing is 20 years ago he would have pursued someone else over her, but now at 70 he doesn't have much choices and she is willing to put up with how he treats her.
My relationship with her is I am nice and civil, but I don't go much beyond that. I will be seeing her today at our family Christmas Eve dinner tonight and then again tomorrow when we go to my dad's house for Christmas day. On top of that we are all getting together on New Year's day for dinner again with my dad and his girlfriend. So that's 3 days we see them within one week.
My dad's girlfriend has now planned on December 27th to host a dinner at their house because she wants my dad's kids and her kids to be all together for the holidays. I told my father I am not going to that. First of all because it's how many more dinners are we having within a 7-day period? Enough is enough. Then second, I could give two ****s about her kids. We are all in our 30s and nor her kids nor my siblings or I could care all that much about them. In the past two years I have only seen one of them once and she was not friendly at all.
On top of that she is buying me an Xmas gift. I am choosing not to buy her one. We have told her not to buy us gifts. Us siblings, we don't even buy each other gifts.
So my father told me I am being selfish by rejecting the dinner and that she is buying me a gift but I am not buying one in return. I responded telling him that I will be civil and nice to her, but I am also not going to invest my time, money or energy in her either. While this might have been a bit of slap in the face, but I also told him I really don't have much respect for her either, and I told him it's impossible for him to expect me to have respect for her, when he doesn't himself. I mean he has picked other women over her, and only committed to her when he no longer had any other options.
I don't think I am being rude by rejecting her dinner nor not buying her a gift in return?
Just remember, if your dad is in a relationship with her now and you are around your dad a lot, you are going to be around her a lot. Its just dinner for a hour or so. I wouldn't buy her anything expensive but you might as well buy her something.
You can protest and reject all you want, but it's obvious that your dad wants her around. She doesn't measure up to your high standards, but he's CHOSEN her to be a constant in his life for MANY years.
So yeah, I agree that to reject her is to reject him.
Your refusal to acknowledge her won't make her go away.
If you want a good relationship with your dad, you will have to suck it up, and associate with GF. I don’t think you need to buy her a gift, if this has not been the family custom in the past. But OTOH, how hard would it be to buy a gift card for her?
Your father is who he is. The GF is who she is. You can’t change them. It sounds like that if you want to be around one, you will have to tolerate the other. But you certainly can minimize how much time you spend around them.
When my widowed dad married a complete loser, my husband asked me do want to be with him 7 days a week to make him happy and give him companionship? My answer was no. Why are you so hard on the woman when your father has been such a player and deserves no respect for how he’s treated women? You’re laying it all on the lady’s shoulders because she took the bs your dad gave her and stayed? She is a people pleaser and will take **** so she feels loved and needed. They probably deserve each other. Your judgment on fault is biased for sure, your dad was/is half of the screwed up relationship. Don’t let your mind get into the middle of their disjunction. I doubt she will ever be a favorite person You have every right not to like her. Kudos to you for treating her with politeness. I know how hard to be around someone for decades that you don’t care for. If she’s going to be around your dad and you want to relationship with him she will be part of it. Tell your dad you’ll do everything you can to be kind and welcoming, but you too have a life and can’t always be around for her plans, especially since you just saw her.
If your dad has a loving companion now count your blessings! Exactly what would you wish for him instead? What does it cost you to be nice for a couple hours at dinner?
Sounds like your Dad and this woman are perfect for each other. Call her on the phone and be sweet. Just say you guys have a really busy holiday season and will see her & Dad at the planned time but you regretfully won’t be able to make another commitment for dinner at their table with both families combined. I wouldn’t get her a gift if you don’t want to exchange gifts. I am not a gifty person and I don’t give holiday presents to my son or his wife. (I do lots of other nice things throughout the year). If she gives you a gift and you don’t reciprocate, she will learn not to do it again.
Just remember, if your dad is in a relationship with her now and you are around your dad a lot, you are going to be around her a lot. Its just dinner for a hour or so. I wouldn't buy her anything expensive but you might as well buy her something.
But we are doing dinner tonight, tomorrow and on New Year's day. That's already 3 times in one week! Dinner with her kids would be the 4th in one week. Seems like overkill.
But we are doing dinner tonight, tomorrow and on New Year's day. That's already 3 times in one week! Dinner with her kids would be the 4th in one week. Seems like overkill.
You can protest and reject all you want, but it's obvious that your dad wants her around. She doesn't measure up to your high standards, but he's CHOSEN her to be a constant in his life for MANY years.
So yeah, I agree that to reject her is to reject him.
Your refusal to acknowledge her won't make her go away.
I have been very nice for two years so far and I haven't rejected her. I just don't want to spend THAT much time with her and I have zero respect for her.
Spending Christmas Eve dinner with them, Christmas brunch at their house and then New Year's Dinner at their house should be enough. But on top of that she wants to have an additional dinner on Friday just two days after Christmas because she wants his kids and her kids together. Seems like overkill.
What she wants is to be the Brady Bunch essentially. She wants me to become friends with her son, and I really don't care to. I barely have enough time for my friends.
Also, just an FYI my dad doesn't respect her either. He tried ditching her on Thanksgiving. He preferred to spend Thanksgiving with my mom (his second ex-wife), rather than her. He didn't want to go to dinner with her and her family on Thanksgiving and preferred to go with his ex's. My mom told him that was wrong and he should go spend Thanksgiving with his girlfriend and not with my mom and her/my family. So he reluctantly went thanksgiving with his girlfriend. He is using her for $ and so he's not lonely.
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