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Despite a set of serious health concerns, your mother views you (correctly) as completely capable of running your own life. That's a stake she has in the ground. You're good, despite many challenges, she doesn't have to spend a moment wondering what will become of you.
Your brother is probably a warm, loving guy, and she's close to him in a relationship but knows he will never, ever be capable of anything at all, and when she's gone who knows what will happen to him.
Your sister (is she in prison?) is also unreliable and hasn't turned out well.
When the one person she expects to be capable and fully "launched" needs help, she can't give it. She can't let go of the belief that you're fine and not a concern.
Also, despite her advance age, your mother sounds childlike.
Are you married? Any kids?
Mom just doesn't understand the medical issues and just says, what about her and her happiness in life. IDK what to say. I did try a few times in the past to invite her over and entertain, but I was bumped each time when her friends asked her to do something at the last minute, so I stopped inviting. She and little bro said you offer a few times and that's it? I said yea, each time I was cancelled on at the last minute. When I cancel on my mom, I give her three to four days notice. It's usually a medical reason, she just said, hope you feel better, but complains that I do not see her enough.
My little bro is very smart and very capable, but has been sheltered all his life. He's never had to do anything for himself because our mom did it for him. Mom and dad fought over his laziness as well. When a person has never faced any adversity, there's no reason for them to do anything. Our uncle asked about job prospects, he said there really aren't any. Yet, I found several on LinkedIn and offered to send them to him, he declined and laughed.
Yes, she's in prison, and has been in and out for most of her life. My parents had to save her several times at a dear financial cost to the family. It was a good role model on how not to raise a family.
No, I am not married yet. I hope to start a family one day.
I don't really care about the money issues. The emotional issues are the most important to me in this situation, since that is the foundation of your relationship. This wasn't just any "retired RN."
I'm glad you're understanding that you can't box off your relationship with her into separate parts. And I'm also glad you got professional help for the infection or whatever was causing that persistent fever.
I was being sarcastic to your post birdie. It's obvious you are only seeing one side, and that is fine. However, you've made your stance, there's nothing more really to be said. I do not do a tit for tat type of relationship with anyone. If someone needs my help or assistance, I provide it open ended with no expectations on having or receiving it back. However, if you feel asking a mother, who's a retired medical professional, a question on how to lower a temp that is really high too much; okay, not a problem. That is your opinion, and you are completely entitled to it.
This is a one sided relationship; and a forced one at best. If I didn't step in and assist, she would be spending money to make her feel better. She actually tried t convince me that retail therapy is a good way to get over depression. I said, no it isn't. Exercise, doing activities and speaking to a therapist are the ways to get over depression. Then she said, she's not depressed. So, IDK. My dad asked me to protect my mom from our old sister and to ensure she doesn't get into financial problems; he then died a few moments later. So, I am doing my mandate out of loyalty and respect for my father, and not for my mom to be financial straits like they were for so many years. Mom never knew about the financial issues as dad hid them from her. When he died, they had a little less than 1k in their bank account. So, please, don't suggest that I do not do what's right by my family. That's just wrong. While you may not think money is important, it unfortunately is in this day and age. This is how the world works birdie. Like it or hate it, that's the world we live in.
I was being sarcastic to your post birdie. It's obvious you are only seeing one side, and that is fine. However, you've made your stance, there's nothing more really to be said.
My sarcasm meter is finely tuned. I was trying to be nice to you, as well as offering the benefit of my experience in similar situations. There is PLENTY more to be said here, but you won't listen to it.
You're seeing one/your side as well, which apparently will continue. Hopefully you'll figure it out before you try starting a family of your own.
It sounds like a depressing and frustrating situation. It is disturbing your mother who is a nurse does not empathize with your health problems but she sounds possibly narcissistic, and little brother is her sidekick who won't change either.
Most important is taking care of your physical and emotional health. If you are moving further away from them that is a positive step toward some distance. You can do your job to manage your mother's money and just keep a polite distance. I guess you know now you cannot expect any support or advice like normal families might do for each other.
Work on building your own life, and creating new healthy relationships, because you will never get that from your birth family.
My sarcasm meter is finely tuned. I was trying to be nice to you, as well as offering the benefit of my experience in similar situations. There is PLENTY more to be said here, but you won't listen to it.
You're seeing one/your side as well, which apparently will continue. Hopefully you'll figure it out before you try starting a family of your own.
Mom, is that you? Happy you are now able to spend time browsing the Internet. Please visit some social groups as well like meetup.com and join and activity group.
It sounds like a depressing and frustrating situation. It is disturbing your mother who is a nurse does not empathize with your health problems but she sounds possibly narcissistic, and little brother is her sidekick who won't change either.
Most important is taking care of your physical and emotional health. If you are moving further away from them that is a positive step toward some distance. You can do your job to manage your mother's money and just keep a polite distance. I guess you know now you cannot expect any support or advice like normal families might do for each other.
Work on building your own life, and creating new healthy relationships, because you will never get that from your birth family.
I'm used to it by now. Prob. shouldn't had bothered reaching out. It's a messed up situation. I do fear for my siblings in the future. My sister is being released in April, so that should bring a whole new dynamic to the situation. I believe she will live with mom as well. I expect a 3 vs 1 on finances, and that is where I will probably dissolve the trust, and walk away. It's too much work, and very emotionally/mentally draining.
Live your own life. Take care of your health first.
It is possible to be the trustee and not go to your Mother's for dinner. A once a week phone call could suffice. It sounds like you've be put in a thankless position. Spend your free time however you want to. During the time you typically go to said family dinner, instead do something that you enjoy. Be polite though & call to say you'll not be coming to dinner. The big thing is do not expect your self-absorbed Mother to behave differently than she has in the past.
Yes, I've tried, then they both complain that I do not see them. If I miss a week, both are not very nice. It's not like I am going out and entertaining. I am either working with a client or medical issues started up. Neither currently work, so I guess it is a foreign concept. Mom retired in the mid 90s. Guess who's responsible to setup and plan/pay birthday dinners for both? Me. Mother's day? Me. Reason being? I am the older brother and son; it's my duty.
Mom, is that you? Happy you are now able to spend time browsing the Internet. Please visit some social groups as well like meetup.com and join and activity group.
Yes, please keep doing this. It's quite revealing and helps us understand your situation much better.
I do wish you luck, and good health in 2020. A touch of humility wouldn't hurt.
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