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Basically, there is nothing that can be done to change your mother or her darling lap pet, your brother.
I suggest that you accept that you can't have any expectations of either of them, take good care of the money as you were given the charge to do, give them exactly what you are obligated to give them from the trust, ignore pleadings for more money or acts of stupid bad budgeting.
That must be a gigantic house to have power bills that high. Maybe put some money into weatherization? I've got a large house and the very most my power bills will be, in a blistering hot summer, is slightly over $200 for AC. Normally, electric and gas total are not much more than $100.
And a bit off topic, your brother is the last person I would want working for me in any sort of position with even the tiniest bit of responsibility, so I think you dodge the bullet when he refused to work for you. Count your blessings where you can find them.
I'm used to it by now. Prob. shouldn't had bothered reaching out. It's a messed up situation. I do fear for my siblings in the future. My sister is being released in April, so that should bring a whole new dynamic to the situation. I believe she will live with mom as well. I expect a 3 vs 1 on finances, and that is where I will probably dissolve the trust, and walk away. It's too much work, and very emotionally/mentally draining.
Are you allowed to dissolve the trust or would trusteeship go to your lil bro as the secondary if you resign?
Chances are the ex con sister will have her eye squarely on that trust and getting control of it away from you, and anyone who isn't her.
Op, I’m sorry you are dealing with this, I’ve seen this kind of enabling with quite a few families, you can’t help people who won’t help themselves even if they are your family. I wonder if your mother realizes how lost and helpless her younger son will be after she passes away.
Yes, I've tried, then they both complain that I do not see them. If I miss a week, both are not very nice. It's not like I am going out and entertaining. I am either working with a client or medical issues started up. Neither currently work, so I guess it is a foreign concept. Mom retired in the mid 90s. Guess who's responsible to setup and plan/pay birthday dinners for both? Me. Mother's day? Me. Reason being? I am the older brother and son; it's my duty.
You've "trained" them what to expect from you. Too well, sounds like. Its worked for them up until now, so why would they change anything? If you want something to change (and it's doubtful they will) you'll have to change the recording...and their expectations.
Last edited by Parnassia; 01-05-2020 at 02:33 PM..
I believe you can refuse to be a trustee of an estate. If you truly want to be free of these obligations, you could see an attorney about terminating this obligation.
Call your mom once a month. Plead health concerns about visits. Limit visits to on or near holidays. If you call and she is not talking, just say ‘bye, and hang up. If you visit, and she begins to complain or guilt you, leave. You will break a destructive cycle that way.
You cannot change your mother. The only person you can change is you. If changing how you react to these things is too hard, seek out some counseling for yourself.
I believe you can refuse to be a trustee of an estate. If you truly want to be free of these obligations, you could see an attorney about terminating this obligation.
It doesn't read as if he really wants to give that up, though. He's a financial planner, and it comes across as if he takes significant satisfaction in "knowing better" than his mom and brother.
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
Call your mom once a month. Plead health concerns about visits. Limit visits to on or near holidays. If you call and she is not talking, just say ‘bye, and hang up. If you visit, and she begins to complain or guilt you, leave. You will break a destructive cycle that way.
You cannot change your mother. The only person you can change is you. If changing how you react to these things is too hard, seek out some counseling for yourself.
It doesn't read as if he really wants to give that up, though. He's a financial planner, and it comes across as if he takes significant satisfaction in "knowing better" than his mom and brother.
Great advice.
Wow! It more sounds like he is getting frustrated and sick of their refusal to be responsible for themselves, believe it or not parents who are irresponsible will guilt and hound the most responsible kid to enable them. I don’t believe the op is taking any satisfaction in knowing more then his mother, but more hurt that his mother a RN wasn’t bothered enough to give advice to her son, which I’m sure is hurtful to the op. I would say that they are resentful that he is doing well job wise.
I do agree with the poster who suggested counseling for yourself, it is ok to set boundaries and it’s ok to love her and spend time with them on your terms.
When your sister gets out of the "can" put her in charge of the trust. That'll clear everything up in short order!
And, if he (your brother) plans on eating, it'll force him to get a job. Win-win.
Rich
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