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Doesn't this story sound familiar to anyone else? I know I've heard it before, and the OP in that one had spine injuries from a car crash (IIRC). Same worthless mom and lapdog little bro.
I'm used to it by now. Prob. shouldn't had bothered reaching out. It's a messed up situation. I do fear for my siblings in the future. My sister is being released in April, so that should bring a whole new dynamic to the situation. I believe she will live with mom as well. I expect a 3 vs 1 on finances, and that is where I will probably dissolve the trust, and walk away. It's too much work, and very emotionally/mentally draining.
No, don't wait until your sister is released. I'm going to suggest you get started on dissolving the trust now, ASAP before sis gets out and sets up that whole new dynamic. As Nov3 mentioned above, as trustee all you get out of this arrangement is you receive a stipend for managing the account - but you can turn that role over thru the courts. The court will assign a new primary trustee to take your place, one who is totally neutral and impartial and can't be swayed or distracted or guilt tripped by the rest of your family's emotional or financial dramas. Though you will lose your trustee's stipend when you turn over trusteeship you will also be shucking off a large burden of responsibility as well as emotional stress that is presently worsening your health. Your health and mental well being is more important than a trustee's stipend and if you don't have the stress of those family responsibilities on your shoulders you may even be able to improve the personal relationship with the family.
I think your post now might have hit a nerve with some people here because your post for some people is like experiencing deja vu which has gotten you off on the wrong foot. The reason why is that a few months ago there was another poster with very, very similar health problems and occupation who had almost identical family and trustee and financial problems going on with his mother and brother. While he got lots of good, sound advice from other sympathetic posters here he ignored all of the good advice he got and it became obvious that all he really wanted to do was snivel, whine and complain. He wasn't really looking for advice and had no intention of trying to improve his situation, he just wanted people to vent at and get snarky at. So some people here felt burned, lost patience and gave up on him since they were clearly wasting their time trying to help him.
I'm assuming it was a coincidence that you and that other poster had such similar parallels in your lives but if you're wise you won't fall into the same habit of chronic complaining and venting on the forum the way he did.
I waived any trustee fee so my mom would have money to live. Never asked for a penny, never took a penny. I've lent my parents thousands over the years, most had been paid back. My father was circling near bankruptcy around the recession, and I took ver his account and turned it into a profitable one. I also lent about 20k to him and 10k to my mom to hold them over until the market corrected.
Tried to see if my bro would want to work with me. His response was he will not work for less than 75k a year, plus benefits. Tried to help him start a side business and grow, he told me that I should set it up and manage it for him. So, there you go. I am not the ungrateful nor unhelpful son or brother that some have suggested.
If this is so frustrating, I'd suggest you have a third party trustee take over and let him/her sort it out. Let your mother know there's nothing more you can do and that she'll have less money to spend since a trustee will deduct a fee each month.
I'm still curious to know the answers to my questions in the first response I gave you but I guess it doesn't matter.
I think your post now might have hit a nerve with some people here because your post for some people is like experiencing deja vu which has gotten you off on the wrong foot. The reason why is that a few months ago there was another poster with very, very similar health problems and occupation who had almost identical family and trustee and financial problems going on with his mother and brother. While he got lots of good, sound advice from other sympathetic posters here he ignored all of the good advice he got and it became obvious that all he really wanted to do was snivel, whine and complain. He wasn't really looking for advice and had no intention of trying to improve his situation, he just wanted people to vent at and get snarky at. So some people here felt burned, lost patience and gave up on him since they were clearly wasting their time trying to help him.
Thanks to whoever repped me with the username previously used.
Your paragraph above pretty much applies to what I was posting when I was going through a crisis. What I wish people would comprehend is that life is not TV. Complex problems aren't neatly solved in one episode. Sometimes when people come to C-D they're not ready to make that big decision yet -- whatever it might be -- and people get frustrated by that and start posting testy comments. The snark goes both ways.
That said, I agree with the idea that the trustee role should be handed off to another party and I hope the OP, whoever he is, gives serious consideration to that. But my feelings won't be hurt if he doesn't.
Basically, there is nothing that can be done to change your mother or her darling lap pet, your brother.
I suggest that you accept that you can't have any expectations of either of them, take good care of the money as you were given the charge to do, give them exactly what you are obligated to give them from the trust, ignore pleadings for more money or acts of stupid bad budgeting.
That must be a gigantic house to have power bills that high. Maybe put some money into weatherization? I've got a large house and the very most my power bills will be, in a blistering hot summer, is slightly over $200 for AC. Normally, electric and gas total are not much more than $100.
I tried. The utility company offered a 5k grant to weatherize the home, she refuses. I bought the nest's out of my pocket, now she won't have them installed. It's like dealing with a child.
Op, I’m sorry you are dealing with this, I’ve seen this kind of enabling with quite a few families, you can’t help people who won’t help themselves even if they are your family. I wonder if your mother realizes how lost and helpless her younger son will be after she passes away.
She told me I'd then take care of him and over see my sister. I said not a chance; unless they had medical issues.
You've "trained" them what to expect from you. Too well, sounds like. Its worked for them up until now, so why would they change anything? If you want something to change (and it's doubtful they will) you'll have to change the recording...and their expectations.
Very true. Slowly putting that in motion.
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