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Putting someone in a specific box or category due to race is not racism? What definition are you looking at? Racism is not defined only as hating everyone from a specified race. Certainly that is the worst kind, but not the only kind.
What you described is a stereotype. It's not racism.
If they had said, "Sorry, black boyfriend, but you aren't allowed to dance..." then THAT would be an example of racism - the majority group discriminating against someone based on skin color.
But I know you didn't come here to argue semantics.
They behaved boorishly. You were offended. Being friends with them is already a stretch for you. So what do you WANT to do?
I don't even believe that's true. I mean, she's already said hubby is not remotely offended by it (nor should he be). Who's going to get offended by the belief that he or she has some innate ability to be a good dancer?
A drunk group of friend was playing on a silly, but positive, stereotype. Do you really blame some of the right-wingers who believe things have gone too far if this is the case?
I don't even believe that's true. I mean, she's already said hubby is not remotely offended by it (nor should he be). Who's going to get offended by the belief that he or she has some innate ability to be a good dancer?
I do believe that it's generally a good idea to get to know someone a bit before you just start heaving stereotypes their way as a joke.
My boyfriend is Asian, and he makes Asian jokes ALL the time. I would never do that to his family the first time I met them, though, even though they probably would love it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by djsuperfly
Do you really blame some of the right-wingers who believe things have gone too far if this is the case?
Putting someone in a specific box or category due to race is not racism? What definition are you looking at? Racism is not defined only as hating everyone from a specified race. Certainly that is the worst kind, but not the only kind.
The difference in concepts wasn't the OP's point. But there IS a difference ... between discrimination and prejudice and racism and stereotypes.
Words have meaning. Not everyone here really cares, though.
You are correct, words have meanings.
rac·ism
/ˈrāˌsizəm/
noun
noun: racism
the belief that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially so as to distinguish it as inferior or superior to another race or races.
Believing that all black men are excellent dancers seems to fit that definition.
Besides, the OP knows these people much better then anyone else on this thread. If she says they are racist, then I'm going to believe her.
I posted a while back about how I am very different from my group of friends. As a reminder, here is the condensed version:
I have known them since childhood. When I realized in my late teens that they were not aligned with my path, I tried to gain other friendships, I moved twice also, and only a couple of the other friendships have "stuck". Flash forward 40 years, and here I am, still friends with this group.
They are not "bad" people per se, but fundamentally different than me on almost every single subject: They do not care about health, all they want to do is eat and drink, they have very one-sided and self-centered beliefs, politically different (except 2 of them), on and on and on.
There was a party on Saturday night. It was 5 of the 9 women, and spouses/boyfriends where applicable. We are 6 "white", 2 Latina, 1 Jewish (middle eastern descent). All spouses/boyfriends are white, except mine, who is black. This is pertinent, bare with me.
I don't recall who said what, and who laughed at what, but it matters not because no one spoke up either. They were initially playing some kind of random 1980's () middle-of-the-road music, and then someone put on I believe Run DMC. Someone said "(insert my hubby name) I put this one on for you". At another point in the conversation, dancing was mentioned, and someone said "hey (my hubby) you need to get us started" someone else" I'm not gonna dance next to the black guy as my moves are SO WHITE"....and these comments went on for another couple of minutes. There were a couple more such incidents throughout the evening, as well as in previous interactions. (FWIW, my hubby cannot dance, and listens to a wide variety of music)
I want to be very clear: My husband pays no attention whatsoever. It does not bother him.
I was CRINGING. As I have before, but on this night, I was not drinking, so maybe that brought it into more clarity.
It's not that I am offended, it's that what is truly in their hearts and minds if the first thing they pinpoint is someone's skin color when a certain song comes on, or that skin color = certain abilities? Definition of racism!
So my previous post was "am I stuck with my friends". Now, here I am again, trying to figure out how to get away from them. On the other hand, if I do, I will have no one. And also, how would explain a sudden disappearance, even if I suck it up and decide to be ok without friends?
UGH! Help!
I think when they think of your husband they think first that he is black. His blackness is what defines him for them. They have not been able to ever get past that. They view him in a stereotypical way, and not as an actual person.
Are you sure you want to associate with these people?
I would hope that you would know your friends of 40 years better so you did not need to ask a bunch of strangers their opinion.
My friends of 40 years tease each other lovingly, rank on one another at times, and enjoy each others' company and we are different races. Perhaps it is a generational thing or a NY thing, but that is the way we have always been. You know how you stand with someone by how you joke around with them. No joking equals a more distant relationship, joking equals a more loving relationship.
Sounds like you are the problem. You are the one stuck on their political views, what they eat etc. The my moves are so white comment was a self depreciating humor not a dig on your husband.
Only you can decide if you want to keep the friendships. Sounds like you have become a stick in the mud and no longer enjoy their company.
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) middle-of-the-road music, and then someone put on I believe Run DMC. Someone said "(insert my hubby name) I put this one on for you". At another point in the conversation, dancing was mentioned, and someone said "hey (my hubby) you need to get us started" someone else" I'm not gonna dance next to the black guy as my moves are SO WHITE"....and these comments went on for another couple of minutes. There were a couple more such incidents throughout the evening, as well as in previous interactions. (FWIW, my hubby cannot dance, and listens to a wide variety of music)
