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That brings us to a related, but different, subject, pertaining to another thread in this forum folder:
I have tried.
I have 3 jobs. Main job, I have had some friendships from over the years. Ran into one of them the other day, and have tried twice to get together
Other two jobs are in the fitness and health field, where one would think I would find "my people". Same thing. I try to make plans- specific plans, not like "hey, let's get together", but like "the Aspen yoga festival is June 25-27, and we are going. You ready for a road trip?"
No one ever commits to plans. For years, I took this personally, until I started realizing that everyone has this very same complaint.
Sometimes I will meet someone I am just drawn to, and will say silly kidding/not kidding things like "do you have an application I can fill out to be your friend?"
Everyone seems to have their little group all set, and as busy as I am (see "3 jobs" above), I have like 3 seconds to ask once, then move on, so yes, that part is my fault. The part about not committing to anything is exponentially NOT my fault.
One friend I have had since high school is very much "my people" but lives far away, so that makes it hard.
What's up with people and friends these days????
Maybe the fact that you hold down three jobs makes people think you won’t be able to follow through on plans? That is too bad, when you try with such specific ideas.
The thing I avoid is people who say that they’ll be in the area and want to meet up, but they keep dates vague while wanting some kind of commitment on my part. Ixnay on that! Want to be a free spirit, SURE, I get it. Want to be a free spirit who can show up without much advance notice expecting to be shown around or hosted, ixnay on that.
But this topic is not the subject you originally brought up here. Since your husband was not offended, just let it roll off your back. If the comments escalate into the realm of animosity, well, then you know more about those people and can act accordingly. Right now it is ambiguous.
Again not offended. Certainly not traumatized- LOL
I just do not think my friends are enhancing my spiritual growth, per they do not seem to be trying to enhance their own.
Let's put it in a different context: Let's say you were pretty spiritual and religious. In finding Jesus/Mohammed/ etc etc, you had chosen to live your life by that type of standard, and due to that felt overwhelming contentment (maybe an oxymoron, but bear with me)
Your friends were constantly partying, sleeping around, and then would complain about not being happy, not having fulfillment.
Though you had a) set the example; and b) attempted on multiple occasions to inspire a similar consciousness in them, they continued to do things which breed unhappiness, and would then complain that they were unhappy
At what point would you be DONE?
And what if being done meant putting your own past in the grave, and not really having anyone to hang out with?
So then be done with them. Your writings hint at a sort of superiority complex honestly. If you behave in real life like your posts you will have problems meeting people.
Again not offended. Certainly not traumatized- LOL
I just do not think my friends are enhancing my spiritual growth, per they do not seem to be trying to enhance their own.
Let's put it in a different context: Let's say you were pretty spiritual and religious. In finding Jesus/Mohammed/ etc etc, you had chosen to live your life by that type of standard, and due to that felt overwhelming contentment (maybe an oxymoron, but bear with me)
Your friends were constantly partying, sleeping around, and then would complain about not being happy, not having fulfillment.
Though you had a) set the example; and b) attempted on multiple occasions to inspire a similar consciousness in them, they continued to do things which breed unhappiness, and would then complain that they were unhappy
At what point would you be DONE?
And what if being done meant putting your own past in the grave, and not really having anyone to hang out with?
OP, I haven't seen where, on this thread, you've answered the questions: why are you still with these people, and -- would it be so bad to be without friends for awhile, given the mismatch between you and your current group?
You're absolutely right, that friends are people with whom one in general shares the same values, and who can be a source of support for said values. You're right on. So now the question is, what are you going to do about the current unsatisfactory situation?
We choose our friends. If these people are not ones that you like, admire and feel support from, why continue on? It is difficult to make new friends yes, but it is also damaging to hold on to people you no longer consider a friend.
OP, I haven't seen where, on this thread, you've answered the questions: why are you still with these people, and -- would it be so bad to be without friends for awhile, given the mismatch between you and your current group?
You're absolutely right, that friends are people with whom one in general shares the same values, and who can be a source of support for said values. You're right on. So now the question is, what are you going to do about the current unsatisfactory situation?
Sorry Ruth. Maybe my answers were not exact.
They have been in my life since elementary school, most of them. I know their whole families. I have moved away 3 times (once they followed me, as most of us are in Dallas now coincidentally) and the other two times I ended up moving back to Dallas (whole different thread!). Moving away was for many many reasons, but some that cheered me up the most were getting away from my mother, and the chance to hit reset on friendships. Didn't quite workout that way.
40+ years, and I feel I am in too deep. In a perfect world, I would simply hang out with other people more often so I would appreciate them more when I was with them, and more easily overlook these things.
That's where the previous post about how I have tried to make or keep up with other friendships and only a couple of them have actually worked out. Maybe that's all I have time for (?) Maybe God knows what He is doing (?)
PS- this weekend, actually, they are all getting together for something I do not feel comfortable with, so I cancelled. I made plans with another friend, but she has since cancelled, but I'm trying!
Sorry Ruth. Maybe my answers were not exact.
They have been in my life since elementary school, most of them. I know their whole families. I have moved away 3 times (once they followed me, as most of us are in Dallas now coincidentally) and the other two times I ended up moving back to Dallas (whole different thread!). Moving away was for many many reasons, but some that cheered me up the most were getting away from my mother, and the chance to hit reset on friendships. Didn't quite workout that way.
40+ years, and I feel I am in too deep. In a perfect world, I would simply hang out with other people more often so I would appreciate them more when I was with them, and more easily overlook these things.
That's where the previous post about how I have tried to make or keep up with other friendships and only a couple of them have actually worked out. Maybe that's all I have time for (?) Maybe God knows what He is doing (?)
PS- this weekend, actually, they are all getting together for something I do not feel comfortable with, so I cancelled. I made plans with another friend, but she has since cancelled, but I'm trying!
I see. Thanks for clarifying. I don't think you should give up on finding new friends, just because your attempts so far haven't worked out long-term. And since you feel you're "in deep" with the current crowd, like from childhood, one strategy you could use, is to gradually pull back, even a little, like it sounds like you're doing this weekend, while over time, working in time to you schedule to attend functions, where you can meet new people. Give it time. So the idea is: back off a little (the amount of backing-off can be increased gradually, if desired), while over time, working in opportunities to meet others. And keep in mind, that it's rare to "click" with someone, so finding a buddy will take a patient search. In the meantime, you have your hubby for company and support.
I think it would be healthy for you to find at least one or two people who are a better match for you friend-wise. The current situation clearly causes you frustration.
Why don't you tell your friends how you feel? Since your husband doesn't care at all and probably goes along with them, they probably don't realize it bothers you.
I wouldn't drop my friends for this unless they continue after you have told them it hurts you.
There is nothing wrong with being friends that are political opposites unless you are insecure and immature and need like minds to feed your insecurity.
I posted a while back about how I am very different from my group of friends. As a reminder, here is the condensed version:
I have known them since childhood. When I realized in my late teens that they were not aligned with my path, I tried to gain other friendships, I moved twice also, and only a couple of the other friendships have "stuck". Flash forward 40 years, and here I am, still friends with this group.
They are not "bad" people per se, but fundamentally different than me on almost every single subject: They do not care about health, all they want to do is eat and drink, they have very one-sided and self-centered beliefs, politically different (except 2 of them), on and on and on.
There was a party on Saturday night. It was 5 of the 9 women, and spouses/boyfriends where applicable. We are 6 "white", 2 Latina, 1 Jewish (middle eastern descent). All spouses/boyfriends are white, except mine, who is black. This is pertinent, bare with me.
I don't recall who said what, and who laughed at what, but it matters not because no one spoke up either. They were initially playing some kind of random 1980's () middle-of-the-road music, and then someone put on I believe Run DMC. Someone said "(insert my hubby name) I put this one on for you". At another point in the conversation, dancing was mentioned, and someone said "hey (my hubby) you need to get us started" someone else" I'm not gonna dance next to the black guy as my moves are SO WHITE"....and these comments went on for another couple of minutes. There were a couple more such incidents throughout the evening, as well as in previous interactions. (FWIW, my hubby cannot dance, and listens to a wide variety of music)
I want to be very clear: My husband pays no attention whatsoever. It does not bother him.
I was CRINGING. As I have before, but on this night, I was not drinking, so maybe that brought it into more clarity.
It's not that I am offended, it's that what is truly in their hearts and minds if the first thing they pinpoint is someone's skin color when a certain song comes on, or that skin color = certain abilities? Definition of racism!
So my previous post was "am I stuck with my friends". Now, here I am again, trying to figure out how to get away from them. On the other hand, if I do, I will have no one. And also, how would explain a sudden disappearance, even if I suck it up and decide to be ok without friends?
UGH! Help!
Just call them out right there!
When they put certain music for a black guy- just say: my husband prefers inserts his favorite music“
And then say lovingly hugging the person- and you are my favorite racist!
Make sure others hear it!
Make it as a joke- but let them know- some people may not realize their bias, stereotypes- I don’t think your friends are racists, just unsophisticated?
If they were truly racist- they wouldn’t hang out with you...
The question I have: why would you not nip it in the bud right there and then, harboring it instead and venting anonymously?
I think it is a racist behavior..( according to your train of thoughts)
P.S.
Stop watching news and programs with their “oversensitivity programming” and demonstration of an angry outrage( fake looking) in relation to women, minorities, other allegedly discriminated against classes of people: everything to divide us, Americans, the people
Let's say you were pretty spiritual and religious. In finding Jesus/Mohammed/ etc etc, you had chosen to live your life by that type of standard, and due to that felt overwhelming contentment (maybe an oxymoron, but bear with me)
Your friends were constantly partying, sleeping around, and then would complain about not being happy, not having fulfillment.
Though you had a) set the example; and b) attempted on multiple occasions to inspire a similar consciousness in them, they continued to do things which breed unhappiness, and would then complain that they were unhappy
At what point would you be DONE?
And what if being done meant putting your own past in the grave, and not really having anyone to hang out with?
Woah. Don't do that. You found what works for you: congrats! There is nothing indicating that what works for you would work for them. And I agree with a previous poster that you seem to feel you are better/more woke/more evolved than they are. In which case, a better question might be why they are still friends with you.
Just call them out right there!
When they put certain music for a black guy- just say: my husband prefers inserts his favorite music“
Perfect idea!
Quote:
And then say lovingly hugging the person- and you are my favorite racist!
Make sure others hear it!
Haha, yeah, that'll work!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nik4me;
Make it as a joke- but let them know- some people may not realize their bias, stereotypes- I don’t think your friends are racists, just unsophisticated?
If they were truly racist- they wouldn’t hang out with you...
The question I have: why would you not nip it in the bud right there and then, harboring it instead and venting anonymously?
I think it is a racist behavior..( according to your train of thoughts)
P.S.
Stop watching news and programs with their “oversensitivity programming” and demonstration of an angry outrage( fake looking) in relation to women, minorities, other allegedly discriminated against classes of people: everything to divide us, Americans, the people
Edgy, very edgy, Nik4me.
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) middle-of-the-road music, and then someone put on I believe Run DMC. Someone said "(insert my hubby name) I put this one on for you". At another point in the conversation, dancing was mentioned, and someone said "hey (my hubby) you need to get us started" someone else" I'm not gonna dance next to the black guy as my moves are SO WHITE"....and these comments went on for another couple of minutes. There were a couple more such incidents throughout the evening, as well as in previous interactions. (FWIW, my hubby cannot dance, and listens to a wide variety of music)
