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I posted a while back about how I am very different from my group of friends. As a reminder, here is the condensed version:
I have known them since childhood. When I realized in my late teens that they were not aligned with my path, I tried to gain other friendships, I moved twice also, and only a couple of the other friendships have "stuck". Flash forward 40 years, and here I am, still friends with this group.
They are not "bad" people per se, but fundamentally different than me on almost every single subject: They do not care about health, all they want to do is eat and drink, they have very one-sided and self-centered beliefs, politically different (except 2 of them), on and on and on.
There was a party on Saturday night. It was 5 of the 9 women, and spouses/boyfriends where applicable. We are 6 "white", 2 Latina, 1 Jewish (middle eastern descent). All spouses/boyfriends are white, except mine, who is black. This is pertinent, bare with me.
I don't recall who said what, and who laughed at what, but it matters not because no one spoke up either. They were initially playing some kind of random 1980's () middle-of-the-road music, and then someone put on I believe Run DMC. Someone said "(insert my hubby name) I put this one on for you". At another point in the conversation, dancing was mentioned, and someone said "hey (my hubby) you need to get us started" someone else" I'm not gonna dance next to the black guy as my moves are SO WHITE"....and these comments went on for another couple of minutes. There were a couple more such incidents throughout the evening, as well as in previous interactions. (FWIW, my hubby cannot dance, and listens to a wide variety of music)
I want to be very clear: My husband pays no attention whatsoever. It does not bother him.
I was CRINGING. As I have before, but on this night, I was not drinking, so maybe that brought it into more clarity.
It's not that I am offended, it's that what is truly in their hearts and minds if the first thing they pinpoint is someone's skin color when a certain song comes on, or that skin color = certain abilities? Definition of racism!
So my previous post was "am I stuck with my friends". Now, here I am again, trying to figure out how to get away from them. On the other hand, if I do, I will have no one. And also, how would explain a sudden disappearance, even if I suck it up and decide to be ok without friends?
Putting someone in a specific box or category due to race is not racism? What definition are you looking at? Racism is not defined only as hating everyone from a specified race. Certainly that is the worst kind, but not the only kind.
What's wrong with having no friends for awhile? At least you and your hubby have each other. You can do stuff together for awhile, and over time, try joining groups, Meetups, hobby groups, whatever, to see if you click with anyone new. Approach it as if you were new in town, looking to check out the local activities and to make new friends.
You say you have nothing in common with your current so-called "friends". (I can't imagine how you define "friends" in a way that would include these people). So why are you still with them? It''s odd, btw, that after knowing you for years (decades?), they still have no idea what your husband's taste in music is.
So my previous post was "am I stuck with my friends". Now, here I am again, trying to figure out how to get away from them. On the other hand, if I do, I will have no one. And also, how would explain a sudden disappearance, even if I suck it up and decide to be ok without friends?
UGH! Help!
I don't think the answer is going to be any different than it was before. You just added more examples to the same complaint. Adding "racism" to the pile. That's not the point. Not that you are wrong to dislike poor behavior. You are just not willing to step out of the known, cut ties with these people, step into the unknown, and cultivate new friends who have more in common with your values. Why would the disappearance have to be sudden or even complete? Why would you end up with no friends? If you really want what you say you do you'll have to make the effort, hard as that is. They don't see a problem so they're not changing. You are the one who wants something different, so you are the one who has to act. Or not. And keep complaining.
Last edited by Parnassia; 01-27-2020 at 04:45 PM..
Definitely cringe-worthy. I can imagine the comments being fueled by alcohol. These don't seem like they were said with bad intentions, but just trying to make conversation. Literally, I can think of hundreds of times in commercials and shows where black/white/Hispanic have been compared in regards to dancing and music. In the new SJW world, everything is racist, so I guess it depends on how you see it.
I see it as a lack of tact and plain ignorance, but not racist. You can see it however you like. If you don't like the friend group, just stop hanging out with them, no need to label them as racists.
I remember watching these documentaries on musical styles and races that might help.
I’m finding it hard to have much sympathy, sorry you have chosen to hang out with these people and then you complain. What is it you want people to say?
Unless there's a mean tone you haven't made clear here... I see it as an attempt on their part to be inclusive and engage your hubby. It may be a clumsy and badly applied attempt, but it wasn't done with malice. If they don't know your husband well enough to know his taste in music or whether or not he can dance, it might have been an opportunity for your husband to share something.... "Thanks, but actually I like the Journey you had on earlier! I don't even know who this is!"
Maybe they could share what they do have in common (can't dance either!) instead of focusing on the difference.
Putting someone in a specific box or category due to race is not racism? What definition are you looking at? Racism is not defined only as hating everyone from a specified race. Certainly that is the worst kind, but not the only kind.
Well, here's the definition of racism:
"prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior."
So, yes, "hating" or at least thinking everyone from a specified race is "lesser than" is the exact and only definition of "racism."
Now, it is stereotyping to believe that black people dance better/have more rhythm than other races, especially white people. But that's certainly not a negative stereotype. I don't think anybody believes that an ability to dance or have rhythm is a negative thing (heck, people do pay good money to take classes to learn how to dance). And, in my experience, many black Americans are more than happy to believe in that stereotype, even if that particular individual doesn't actually have any ability in that realm. But, stereotyping, while possibly ill-informed, is not "racism."
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) middle-of-the-road music, and then someone put on I believe Run DMC. Someone said "(insert my hubby name) I put this one on for you". At another point in the conversation, dancing was mentioned, and someone said "hey (my hubby) you need to get us started" someone else" I'm not gonna dance next to the black guy as my moves are SO WHITE"....and these comments went on for another couple of minutes. There were a couple more such incidents throughout the evening, as well as in previous interactions. (FWIW, my hubby cannot dance, and listens to a wide variety of music)
you have chosen to hang out with these people and then you complain. What is it you want people to say?
