NEPAs Own Off-Topic Thread ( family, home, photos) (Conway, Mifflin: luxury, swimming pool)

[Jungle George]

A fellow walks into a bar,

notices a very large jar on the counter,

and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and

the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first...Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10

and the bartender drops it into the jar..


'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and

you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex...

You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.

'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!

You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender...'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,

'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and

he did it in fifty-eight seconds!


Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds....
then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'


The moral to the story:

Listen carefully to the directions,

and don't trust your judgment

when alcohol is involved!

[lialleycat]

^^^^^ Oh, I have a whole list of people to send this one too! Thanks JG!

[Jungle George]

1) It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

2) One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

3) Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

4) A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

5) The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

6) There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

7)Women blink twice as often as men.

8)The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

9)Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

10) If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.


Women reading this will be finished now.


Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[Jungle George]

We've been extremely dry down here!! Only had 1/2 inch of rain in the past 3 months!!)

On the drought index, 800 is desert-like conditions....we're at 724!!!

Finally it's been raining now all night & it's still going strong!! It woke me up at 4AM, it was so heavy!! I've been dancing around for joy & thanking the Folks upstairs since!!

Ahhh...it's the little things....

[Jungle George]

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy "the insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple' she said, 'by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for? '

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[lialleycat]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got the dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in..

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua ?"

The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f---ing Chihuahua ?!"

[Summering]

I put photos of the Myrtle Beach Classic Car Show over at the South Carolina/Myrtle...Conway threads.....
Mr Summering and friends went there yesterday. Over 2000 cars, trucks and parts........
I have attended before as this is the 21st annual......and it is a grand event.
The only way we find our way there is by "secret" back roads......because 501 the main highway in, is always, always, bumper to bumper. People had to park a mile away ( but, not Mr S* as he figures his way about it....lol)
So if you like classic cars .......the thread is in SC and I am terrible at linking to here....
My fav' is the Coca Cola mother in law seat attached to a roadster.......LOL.........funny one.

[Jungle George]

Well, JG's been working hell-a-fire in the jungle the past 2 weeks!! Yanked my back out real bad yesterday doing concreting, so I'm taking it "easy" today...

Just finished debris pile # 9 for the claw truck guy (along with another 6 pack of beer for him for taking it all away twice a week)....

Here's a few pix...

[lialleycat]

Originally Posted by Jungle George

Well, JG's been working hell-a-fire in the jungle the past 2 weeks!! Yanked my back out real bad yesterday doing concreting, so I'm taking it "easy" today...

Here's a few pix...

Wow, those red orchids are amazing! I've never seen them that color, mostly whites, pink and purples are for sale here. At the Philadelphia Flower Show I saw an intense orange one. That was pretty cool too!

Thanks for sharing. The only flowers I could get pictures of now are crocus and snowdrops!

[Jungle George]

Your Yearly Dementia Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert...

If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?


Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.

Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.


2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water.

If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.

Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.

Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.

If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Sweden, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?


Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!