Concerned about daughter's boyfriend (parent, girls, smart, hubby)
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Hi, I am new to the forum, so I hope this is the right place to post this thread.
My daughter is in college and this past spring, she met a guy from Indonesia. He was very attentive and quite smitten with her. They will both be graduating in December, and unless he can get into a graduate program, he will have to return to Indonesia! Which probably won't happen
Anyway, her other boyfriends were never attentive and they didn't last long. She's always been the one to walk away and break up. But this guy really got her attention. He was taking her to nice restaurants, always there, taking her for ice cream, bought ticekts to Taylor Swift concert which isn't until September.
Then we went to Europe for a couple months (relatives), and he wanted to know the address so he could send her surprise packages. He knows she loves surprises.
I began to see all of this as control though. While away, he would text, be on facebook, call and wanted details of everything she was doing. He was clingy and whining a lot.
First off, I wondered why if you just started dating a girl (couple months), why would you BOOK her by buying tickets for a concert in September?? Who says you'll still be together?
Then needing her address in Europe. He asked every day for contact info before they went their separate ways in early May i.e. she to Europe with us, he to Indonesia.
He was setting up date nights all the time to ensure she would not go out with anyone else before the semester break. One night he was busy, a friend came to town so she went to the movies with the friend (male). Guess who happened to show up at the same movie??? I think he was on FB and saw her plans. She didn't think this. She felt it was coincidence.
I see subtle signs of control. She's gorgeous (no, seriously, she looks like a model, tall, long dark hair, sunshine personality), and he's heavy, not ugly but not a person the girls were dying to date so he has never had a girl friend at college. He comes across insecure, and she is like a trophy for him. That's what my brother said without meeting him, but seeing a picture of them both. He sort of held her with a look that says "look what I got!"
I may be too emotionally involved here, but I have seen control in relationships and they don't end well. She has told him over the summer that she is now seeing him as a friend, and does not know how she will feel when they meet again at the end of August.
He wrote this long email saying he wants her to give the "relationship" a chance. She did not accept to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend in spring when he asked, but he says he sees her as a girlfriend. He then went on to recall all the wonderful times together (to bring back some feelings I imagine), and she is not committing right now.
Okay, I did a bad thing. I did the unthinkable. I read the email I know it was wrong, but she left the computer on and did not log out! I say that was a good thing or I would not have realised how clingy and demanding he was getting, but in a very subtle way. He's not all out screaming and demanding...he's very intelligent 4.0, and knows how to woo her, that's for sure.
What to do? I know he'll be back with either two moves. One, he will sort of do the friend thing and be a little distant in the hope she does all the moves. Or two, come bearing lots of lovely gifts from Indonesia and start the fancy restaurant dining (he has money), and giving her lots of nice things.
I don't want to see my daughter in a controlling relationship. I know that I don't have power over this, but she does trust my opinion and she already knows I don't like him because I see this in him. I have given her hints about things I see as not normal i.e. booking her until September at least for the concert!!!
Sorry this is so long. I didn't know where else to go with my thoughts. Some family members are in agreement, and some of my girlfriends as well. Hubby is looking on.
Some lessons, like this one, have to be learned by the people involved.
Give your daughter your opinion (kindly). Then let her be with this guy or not be with this guy.
Really, I know that you think you have to do something (as a parent), but there's not much you can do. So don't kick yourself if things go bad - these are adults making their own decisions.
In any case, it sounds like your daughter is not taking the relationship as seriously as he is, but is enjoying the perks of it. I do not really see anything wrong with that. She is learning about what she values in how a man treats her.
Is your fear that she does not see this controlling behaviour? She will soon enough, especially when she starts to have other things to do besides date him. His reaction will tell her what she needs to know about him, and hopefully, she will have the tools to deal with it and extricate herself gracefully.
That is what you can do now. Give her a little pep talk before she goes back to college about listening to her gut (not necessarily in relation to this particular guy). Just offer some advice on staying safe and making sure her relationships are healthy, maybe with a few stories of people who listened to their instincts and were 100% right.
Also let her know that she can talk to you any time if she feels uncomfortable or unsure about any relationship. You seem very perceptive about people and your insights can be a big help.
I was trying to get as much of the story out earlier, and forgot to add why I became very alarmed while in Europe.
I had noticed how my daughter was twirling her hair frantically one day on the bus, then she had sleepless nights where I could hear her sighing loudly in her sleep, was up with stomach aches and very stressed. I finally asked her then what was going on and why was she acting so weird.
She told me K wanted to hear more from her, he wanted to call often, but she was either on a bus, sightseeing, having dinner, going to bed, and felt badly to tell him she couldn't speak. He had seen her on FB one night and they chatted, but then she did not log out, and he thought she was online with someone else and ignoring him so he started sulking and acting weird. They had a fight over this and it made her even more stressed.
I am not used to her behaving this way in a relationship. She is usually the one who handles matters, but somehow he has been able to woo her as I said, and he's very slick and intelligent in how he manipulates her from afar.
He is definitely more intense than she is, and I know I can't stop anything, but I feel certain he will become even more infatuated and intense if they get together in the fall, which is when I suppose she will finally see the light.
I appreciate any words of wisdom. And even if I sound frantic here, which I am, I will keep calm with my daughter. She knows how I feel. I have told her what I saw and what I don't like. Amazingly enough, she trusts me and my opinion. I have never interfered before with any boy she dated. Only this one scares me. He's intense. He does not raise his voice, but uses subtle phrases and words to make her feel guilty or miss him.
Last edited by Parisbreakfast; 07-25-2011 at 09:34 AM..
If you google "early signs of an abuser," you'll come up with a bunch of checklists that say things like "moves early for a committment; "wants to know where you are at all times," etc.
If I were you, I'd print one out and give it to my daughter, saying something like "I hope you don't see this as interference, but I'm a little concerned about K's behavior. I know you're a smart girl with good instincts and I trust you'll use them. If you need me for any reason, I'm here for you. Oh, and if K even looks like he might harm you in any way, I'll give him an ass-kicking he'll never forget."
OK--I'd just say the last part in my head. But anyway, your daughter sounds like a very mature young woman who already has misgivings about the relationship. If this guy is as controlling as you fear, I think she'll be able to walk away, especially if she knows you're there to back her up.
I have two adult children and learned a long time ago to not meddle in their relationships, no matter how much of a train wreck I could see happening. The minute I started interfering, it made them more determined to prove me wrong. That always ended badly. As hard as it is, I now keep my opinions to myself, give advice only when asked and give a shoulder to cry on when things go haywire. Unless she's in immediate physical danger, I say just let her resolve this situation on her own.
As an aside, whether or not she logged out of her e-mail, you invaded her privacy. While you did obtain information that you thought was beneficial, your nosiness may be detrimental in the long run if she becomes aware that you read her e-mail.
be very careful .. and yep gonna sound rude to some folks but have to ask .. is this guy "muslim" by chance? ask her and honestly I would push a bit for her to drop him like a hot potato ..
theres to many red flags in this guys needyness
Indonesia has the largest Muslim population of any country in the world, and many ethnic groups are exclusively Muslim
He could be moving quickly to ensure a marriage so he can stay in the United States after December.
you can fix that and never say a word to the daughter with a call to Imigration you need to tell some one there the story and see if they wont slow down his return ..
OH YES I would protect my daughter at all costs ..
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I know it was wrong, but she left the computer on and did not log out! I say that was a good thing or I would not have realised how clingy and demanding he was getting, but in a very subtle way. He's not all out screaming and demanding...he's very intelligent 4.0, and knows how to woo her, that's for sure. 
Sorry this is so long. I didn't know where else to go with my thoughts. Some family members are in agreement, and some of my girlfriends as well. Hubby is looking on.
