Concerned about daughter's boyfriend (BF, boys, marry, 18 year old)
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Take it all together and you have an insecure guy from a different culture with different standards and attitudes. He is doing his best to woo your daughter and she is essentially leading him on to an extent. What your daughter needs to do is affirm one way or the other whether or not she sees a future with him, that is all he is looking for. If she says yes, I want a relationship, you will probably see him ease up overtime as he becomes more confident and experienced. If she says no, he will most likely go away instantly.
This entire problem begins and ends with your daughter who is essentially refusing to make up her mind. The whole "casual dating" thing may be perfectly normal to her, but it isn't to him.
Your post is the best in the thread. The above bolded is TOTALLY on target.
The OP needs to come to terms with the fact she will have to accept it if her daughter decides to have a serious relationship with him.
You are all so right. She does have to do the deciding on whether she's into this for the long haul or not. All relationships can be difficult, but when you add the cultural differences, you can end up with a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
I think you're making a mistake having the assumption that his feelings will get hurt. (Unless you know your daughter is leading him on, which is truly not a nice trait.)
You need to accept that your daughter might very well decide that she wants a relationship with him. She might not. But you need to accept that she might.
Okay have you ever seen that movie NOT without my daughter with sally field ? she went with a muslim guy that was her husband and she had a h*ll of a time getting back to the usa . Your daughter under no circumstances should she go to indonesia no way in h^ll !! You must have a serious talk with her and find out why he is so hell bent on a serious relationship with her . When I read your post i saw all sorts of red flags pop up . He is a very domineering and controling person and I would tell my daughter to get away from him he is dangerous . I would also ask her to cut all ties with him completely . Our supposed grown adult kids are sometimes not wise enough to see the trees from the forrest , I know some people will say Im meddling but hey in this day and age you have to be so careful .
Okay have you ever seen that movie NOT without my daughter with sally field ? she went with a muslim guy that was her husband and she had a h*ll of a time getting back to the usa . Your daughter under no circumstances should she go to indonesia no way in h^ll !!
That movie was about Iran. And the OP's boyfriend is not muslim.
btw, there's a French documentary, Without My Daughter, that tells the other side of Mahmoody custody story.
To the OP, I understand your concern. I also had a man who was way too invested in what I thought was a casual relationship, and I ended up fearing for my safety. He eventually was arrested after stealing a diamond ring so we could be engaged after less than a month of dating. Follow your gut, and hope your daughter listens. I was never so frightened in my life!
Okay have you ever seen that movie NOT without my daughter with sally field ? she went with a muslim guy that was her husband and she had a h*ll of a time getting back to the usa . Your daughter under no circumstances should she go to indonesia no way in h^ll !! You must have a serious talk with her and find out why he is so hell bent on a serious relationship with her . When I read your post i saw all sorts of red flags pop up . He is a very domineering and controling person and I would tell my daughter to get away from him he is dangerous . I would also ask her to cut all ties with him completely . Our supposed grown adult kids are sometimes not wise enough to see the trees from the forrest , I know some people will say Im meddling but hey in this day and age you have to be so careful .
Worry much?
Not that I don't agree with the idea that parents need to be careful and keep an eye out for their adult children, but you are way overcomplicating the situation.
IMO, as I stated earlier this issue is primarily cultural with a decent smattering of "average guy with hot girl syndrome". For the latter, you can see the same thing between two American Christians and a girl can be just as guilty as a guy of being clingy and overbearing. It all comes down to one having the impression they are playing out of their league and feeling like they need to hold on for dear life or risk losing the other person.
On the former cultural difference, I think that is what's primarily at play. Culturally he comes from a society where men and women tend to not have platonic relationships. A man pursues woman by courting/wooing her to prove his worth. Americans don't work that way and most are more apt to take the approach of casual dating and playing the field until they find the "one". The two approaches don't necessarily mesh well as the courter wants affirmation while the casual dater will keep stringing them along keeping their options open. The idea of casual dating is probably a pretty foreign concept to him.
The irony is that what he is doing in someways is very old fashioned and I would think more people would find it cute to an extent. Yes, the whole FB and messages while she's in Europe thing reeks of insecurity, but is not uncommon. However, the dinners, getting her favorite ice cream, buying concert tickets, really just harkens back to a time when men tried to earn a womans affections by proving they cared and paid attention to their interests. The funny part is that BF1 the OP mentioned that treated her daughter kind of crappy got a one year relationship out of her. This guy is going out of his way to treat her what he considers to be "right" and is just getting strung along.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
That movie was about Iran. And the OP's boyfriend is not muslim.
btw, there's a French documentary, Without My Daughter, that tells the other side of Mahmoody custody story.
How true, that was a very different situation altogether and a very different political climate that they entered into. As with most things the truth most likely lies somewhere in the middle of the two accounts with Betty dramatizing and embellishing the story and her husband Moody downplaying it.
I still find it ironic that people see movies of the week "based on a true story" and fail to realize that they aren't entirely true and often grossly embelished to sell the story.
The basic premise is that the wife's account in Not Without My Daughter was incredibly sensationalized. His assertion is that it was she (the wife), not he who changed while they were in Iran. He also denies and others who knew the family back him up that there was no abuse. He claims that he simply came home one day and they were gone. People also dispute the tale of crossing the mountains in winter as it would have been a very perilous journey and there were much easier ways they could have left the country.
His intent on producing "his side" of the story is that he wanted his daughter to know his thoughts and to be able to contact her, something he has been barred from doing.
Like I said in my other post, I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle between the two stories.
The basic premise is that the wife's account in Not Without My Daughter was incredibly sensationalized. His assertion is that it was she (the wife), not he who changed while they were in Iran. He also denies and others who knew the family back him up that there was no abuse. He claims that he simply came home one day and they were gone. People also dispute the tale of crossing the mountains in winter as it would have been a very perilous journey and there were much easier ways they could have left the country.
His intent on producing "his side" of the story is that he wanted his daughter to know his thoughts and to be able to contact her, something he has been barred from doing.
Like I said in my other post, I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle between the two stories.
Well I can believe a charge of sensationalized since movies with Sally Fields in them are made to make money. The thing that strikes me as challenging to understand is how a marriage that starts in the USA with equality of the partners, etc., could possibly fare in a strict Muslim country. What I understand of family life in those countries "there was no abuse" would look like abuse to me. If I could not go to the market when I damned well pleased... I am not saying one way or another. I don't seek to blame a party. But I know I would be confused and adrift if I found myself with that much change. For him, he knows both worlds. But if I were her, the shock to my system would be too much.
The basic premise is that the wife's account in Not Without My Daughter was incredibly sensationalized. His assertion is that it was she (the wife), not he who changed while they were in Iran. He also denies and others who knew the family back him up that there was no abuse. He claims that he simply came home one day and they were gone. People also dispute the tale of crossing the mountains in winter as it would have been a very perilous journey and there were much easier ways they could have left the country.
His intent on producing "his side" of the story is that he wanted his daughter to know his thoughts and to be able to contact her, something he has been barred from doing.
Like I said in my other post, I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle between the two stories.
Although, since the daughter is now in her 30's (and was well into her 20's before her father passed away a few years back), she could have presumably contacted him, if she had wanted to. If she chose not to, it is what it is. No adult child should be forced to talk to their parent if they do not want to.
I don't know what the truth was since I wasn't there. However, I can't imagine why anyone would have gone to the trouble and expense to have herself and her daughter smuggled out of Iran if her husband had been willing to fly them home. If there were marital troubles and she wanted a divorce, then since they met, married, lived and had their daughter in the US, that is the location that should have been used to determine custody, the divorce settlement, or anything else. One does not get to change the venue to another country simply because they've had a change of heart about where they'd like to live. If he chose not to give his permission for his daughter to return to the US (in order to wield power by utilizing the sexist court system in Iran), that in and of itself is an abuse.
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