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The OP said that the whole family was previously in counseling, and that her dd wanted to end that and to continue one-on-one with the counselor. It seems probable that the counselor would have let the OP know if she thought continued family counseling would be beneficial.
I believe there are multiple right ways. The right way is the way that gets you results you want. The wrong way is the one that doesn't. For example, Dd, repeatedly, drives friends away by treating them badly yet she keeps doing it. IMO, that is the wrong way. She does not accept any responsibility here. In her mind, all of her former friends wronged her in some way.
There's a saying in marriages that you can blame your first break up on your ex but after that, you need to look in the mirror. I think this applies to friendships too. Dd has driven away many friends. Good friends who will no longer even speak to her. Most too kind to say anything about why. I have witnessed her treating friends badly and she always has a justifiction for doing so, however, IMO, there is NEVER justification for treating people badly, so I guess I do see some things as black and white.
I don't want to see my dd end up bitter and alone and that's the road she's headed down. When she's feeling lonely, she turns to boys and not in a good way. I, honestly, fear she'll get herself pregnant just for the attention and for the excuse not to have to go to college. (If she had another plan, not going to college would be fine with me but she doesn't so the plan is she's going.) Sometimes she does things just for the shock value. Hence classmates writing in her year book "RESECT YOUR MOTHER".
She does not put in effort and they cries when she doesn't get results. (The results she wants are hers to choose. I don't tell her what to do. It's not my life, it's hers.) IMO, however, if she's crying about the results it's time ot change the effort part. I have suggestions but she doean't take them because she doesn't see herself as doing anything wrong. It's everyone else. Her teachers are all out to get her, the other students just don't like her and she has no idea why (seriously, the one thing the kids I teach are is friendly. They have a deep seeded need to belong and for approval (they've been raised on praise and it shows.)) and life just isn't delivering what she thinks it promised in the way of instant results and respect. IMO, (again with that black and white I guess) you have to respect yourself before anyone else will.
Dd does not see how all of this negatively impacts her.
Please excuse any typos. I typed this without my glasses on. I'll figure out where I left them sometime today....
PLEASE go back and read my original post here. I am trying to tell you something about your DD because I am very much like her. Getting attention from boys is a CALL FOR HELP because she is not getting something she needs. If you read my post, you'll see I made bad decisions because I was trying to get something elsewhere that I wasn't getting at home. Those bad decisions often included turning to the wrong people for attention, acceptance, feeling attractive etc.
I'm not sure what the nay sayers want me to say that's going to make a difference.
If I tell my dd she's smart and can do well if she studies, in her mind, the fact I told her to study means I really don't think she's smart because if I REALLY thought she was smart, I'd think she could do it without studying... I'm really damned if I do and damned if I don't here. Ditto for pointing out that she plays the clarinet well enough to have gotten the band teacher's attention but that doing well requires practice. Again, telling her to practice is like telling her she's no good. She wants the success without the effort. She wants it to be instant. And the world is UNFAIR when it's not.
Why can't you just say she is smart? Why can't you just say she plays the clarinet well?
I'm wonder now if you are even reading through her entire posts or are spewing this crap after skimming. I gave two examples with little trouble above. SMART and TALENTED IN MUSIC, those are pretty good ones.
That's not all Ivory said. She added, "Could be better if she tried". That isn't a compliment and it isn't praise.
Ivory, DD1 has somehow learned that she cannot succeed so she has decided NOT to put in the effort. After all, if she fails when she hasn't tried, it is not her fault. It's called learned helplessness for a reason. She is afraid and this is what needs to be addressed.
Here is an article with some ways of talking that may help.
Note, as others have said, you need to focus on her strengths. Choose three strengths you admire in your teenager. Consider your child’s strengths in mind, body, family, community, spirit, skills, and money. A good place to start is by finding in them what you admire in yourself. Once you’ve chosen three strengths, observe them in your child over the next four weeks. Don’t force anything; just notice what comes up. After a month or so, ask yourself whether things have changed. You might want to journal what you are focusing on.
The OP said that the whole family was previously in counseling, and that her dd wanted to end that and to continue one-on-one with the counselor. It seems probable that the counselor would have let the OP know if she thought continued family counseling would be beneficial.
One would think, but therapists are imperfect people like everyone else. If progress isn't being made, maybe they should switch therapists.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25
PLEASE go back and read my original post here. I am trying to tell you something about your DD because I am very much like her. Getting attention from boys is a CALL FOR HELP because she is not getting something she needs. If you read my post, you'll see I made bad decisions because I was trying to get something elsewhere that I wasn't getting at home. Those bad decisions often included turning to the wrong people for attention, acceptance, feeling attractive etc.
That's not all Ivory said. She added, "Could be better if she tried". That isn't a compliment and it isn't praise.
This is exactly how I read it. Everything is conditional.
Poppy, I can't find where Ivory stated her daughter is smart or talented. I said it, but I can't find her doing the same. Her acknowledgements all have attachments.
Ivory, I suppose it wouldn't help to point out that some of the very traits you see in your daughter are also present in your current thread in education? As in, I cannot compete with the chosen one, so therefore, I will not try?
Hopefully Mr Ivory is a strong presence in DD1's life, without the judgement.
Well Dew, if saying someone doesn't love their child,
Who said that?
Quote:
can't find one thing they like about them, or saying "Oh snap" is effective
It might be if it is actually TRUE. Then she would know what she had to DO which is realize that she needs to find something to genuinely like about her daughter, use descriptive appreciation to observe those positive qualities for her daughter to hear.
The OP said that the whole family was previously in counseling, and that her dd wanted to end that and to continue one-on-one with the counselor.
I was suggesting counseling for Ivory herself to understand her role in this family dynamic. Looks like some serious issue shifting and denial going on. And even if that is not the case, an independent, professional third party can probably give her better advice on what actions she can take to help.
This is exactly how I read it. Everything is conditional.
Poppy, I can't find where Ivory stated her daughter is smart or talented. I said it, but I can't find her doing the same. Her acknowledgements all have attachments.
Ivory, I suppose it wouldn't help to point out that some of the very traits you see in your daughter are also present in your current thread in education? As in, I cannot compete with the chosen one, so therefore, I will not try?
Hopefully Mr Ivory is a strong presence in DD1's life, without the judgement.
Exactly...even if it's not what she intends to say, the message seems to be "I love what you could be" which a person could interpret as "but not what you are". By not tryinv, the potential for being valued remains. By not trying one can't fail and therefor be subject to potential rejection.
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I gave two examples with little trouble above. SMART and TALENTED IN MUSIC, those are pretty good ones.