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Honestly... It only comes off as us being harsh, but the reality is... you're equally as harsh.
But... I have to agree with everyone-- I don't agree with the way you've dealt with the flute issue. I do think it's something you should've asked first and wouldn't have demanded a repayment or anything like that.
She's the parent and it's her child. I hate when other people think they know better then I do how to raise my child.
OP, imo you should not unfriend your daughter. It is a link, however weak or heartbreaking it may be, it's a link between you two. I found this thread because of a facebook issue with a young member of my family; won't derail this off topic, but I will say the sense of entitlement among young people is sadly evident throughout this thread, and t/o our culture in general.
OP gets bashed for selling the flute??? Seriously??? Just in the summarized version she described, her daughter showed little if any consideration for mom, grandmother, family...and flute! Not until daughter hears it's goin' out the door does she decide she wants it. Mom not giving in to that is not about "winning" - perhaps daughter will learn a consequence of slacking off. Do we really believe she had any reason for wanting the flute back other than "winning" herself?
jujub529, I hope things work out between you and your daughter. Even tho she's almost 18, she's still a kid in many ways, (not telling you any revelation there!). Facebook has stripped away privacy and made a lot of users vulnerable to some real dangers. At least if you can keep that link open between the two of you, you can somewhat be in the loop. Down the road she may need you, only you. The flute issue will be the furthest thing from either of your minds.
Take the snarky posts here & toss 'em to the wind. Blunt criticism is one thing (compassionate feedback is better); but out and out sanctimonious crap is a waste of bandwidth. You came here with a very serious matter; those who told you to grow up need to windex their mirrors. Trust your inner voice - you sound like a good parent who never got backup from the ex.
There were a few people asking about her dad and what he says about all this. Here goes...
Her father earns almost 50K a year. He has no other children to support. They are all grown and he never paid child support on any of them. BTW he only paid me child support for 2 years of the 10 that I had her in my FULL custody after the divorce. He never once chipped in a dime for anything. There was some cheating on his income during that time and Friend of the Court didn't enforce any punishment. (the cheating on income is another long story {that I don't have room or time to go into here} that I knew the details of but couldn't prove it).
When the flute was purchased in the first place, I asked him to pay for half of it then. He flat out told me no. She is living with me, so I pay for it. That was the answer I got any time I asked him for any money to pay for anything regarding my dd wants/needs. I had to take him to small claims court to make him pay for 1/2 of her braces. And then I took a garnishment of his tax refund to get that.
Before I placed the flute on Craigslist, I once again offered it to him. I was told by him that dd wasn't in band and wasn't going to be joining band again.
As for any other communication with him, I have tried in the past and all I EVER got was a grunt followed by him walking away. I've told him about our family counseling, gave him the counselors card and he never called to make an appointment or showed up for any pre-scheduled appointments. Told him about her failing grades in school and that if she doesn't pass she'll have to repeat the grade. As far as I know, nothing was done or said on his behalf. He has coached her on how to manipulate and lie to certain officials (school and family counselors) to get CPS involved and what to accuse my husband of to get him investigated by the police. (I was told all this by our family counselor). Up until the time my dd moved in with him, he pretty much had nothing to do with her. When she went to his house on the weekends, she spent her time with her step-mother and step sister. He is an over the road truck driver and is only home 2 days of the week. His ex-stepdaughter (he and his wife separated last Christmas) lives at his house and that's whose there with my dd while he is gone. The courts allow it because the stepdaughter is over 21. I went to the courts to explain all this and was told by the judge that because my dd is almost 18 and "making these kinds of accusations, whether false or not, #1 do you REALLY want her in the house with these threats around the younger children, #2 when she is 18 she can go where ever she wants. Is it really worth the fight?"
Does that answer your questions on what dad has to say about this? Am I going to get bashed some more?
I think this is at the root of everything. You are ticked off at your daughter because she's living with your good-for-nothing, paid-for-nothing ex-husband.
Everything was on your shoulders and how did she re-pay you? By moving in with Mr. Did Nothing.
Seems like a pretty normal reaction on your part. You are still angry at him. I probably would be too. But you have to remember you chose him. She had nothing to do with choosing who her father was.
So you have to ask yourself a question: Which is stronger: Your love for your daughter? (In which case you cut her a break and NOT sell the flute and wait for her to move from his house. - Which will probably happen sooner rather than later.) Or your hate for your ex? In which case you let all the anger you have simmer and let it effect your relationship with your daughter.
p.s. Don't be so defensive. You can't learn if you think everyone is against you. I read through this thread again. I don't think you are being bashed. But I think you feel the need for someone to be on your side if only because you've been carrying a load and a half since your daughter was born. Most of us would probably be defensive in the same situation. Deep breaths. If your ex really is a rat she'll see it soon enough and she'll need you when she does.
OP, imo you should not unfriend your daughter. It is a link, however weak or heartbreaking it may be, it's a link between you two. I found this thread because of a facebook issue with a young member of my family; won't derail this off topic, but I will say the sense of entitlement among young people is sadly evident throughout this thread, and t/o our culture in general.
OP gets bashed for selling the flute??? Seriously??? Just in the summarized version she described, her daughter showed little if any consideration for mom, grandmother, family...and flute! Not until daughter hears it's goin' out the door does she decide she wants it. Mom not giving in to that is not about "winning" - perhaps daughter will learn a consequence of slacking off. Do we really believe she had any reason for wanting the flute back other than "winning" herself?
jujub529, I hope things work out between you and your daughter. Even tho she's almost 18, she's still a kid in many ways, (not telling you any revelation there!). Facebook has stripped away privacy and made a lot of users vulnerable to some real dangers. At least if you can keep that link open between the two of you, you can somewhat be in the loop. Down the road she may need you, only you. The flute issue will be the furthest thing from either of your minds.
Take the snarky posts here & toss 'em to the wind. Blunt criticism is one thing (compassionate feedback is better); but out and out sanctimonious crap is a waste of bandwidth. You came here with a very serious matter; those who told you to grow up need to windex their mirrors. Trust your inner voice - you sound like a good parent who never got backup from the ex.
Thank you. You get it. I ddin't un friend her. I don't think I ever would have. Looking bak I was just venting and trying to get some feedback on my feelings. Thanks again.
DewDropInn - "p.s. Don't be so defensive. You can't learn if you think everyone is against you. I read through this thread again. I don't think you are being bashed. But I think you feel the need for someone to be on your side if only because you've been carrying a load and a half since your daughter was born. Most of us would probably be defensive in the same situation. Deep breaths. If your ex really is a rat she'll see it soon enough and she'll need you when she does."
Late to the party - but how did she find out you were selling the flute on craigslist?
She found it on Craigslist because she was looking to buy a flute. That's what gets me. If she thought she still had her flute available to her here, then why was she looking to buy another one?
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