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There were a few people asking about her dad and what he says about all this. Here goes...
Her father earns almost 50K a year. He has no other children to support. They are all grown and he never paid child support on any of them. BTW he only paid me child support for 2 years of the 10 that I had her in my FULL custody after the divorce. He never once chipped in a dime for anything. There was some cheating on his income during that time and Friend of the Court didn't enforce any punishment. (the cheating on income is another long story {that I don't have room or time to go into here} that I knew the details of but couldn't prove it).
When the flute was purchased in the first place, I asked him to pay for half of it then. He flat out told me no. She is living with me, so I pay for it. That was the answer I got any time I asked him for any money to pay for anything regarding my dd wants/needs. I had to take him to small claims court to make him pay for 1/2 of her braces. And then I took a garnishment of his tax refund to get that.
Your financial situation needs to be squared away, no doubt. But the fact that he is a tool and that you are struggling does not make taking a gift back right. And it never will.
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Before I placed the flute on Craigslist, I once again offered it to him. I was told by him that dd wasn't in band and wasn't going to be joining band again.
You're the mom. It's up to you to meet her at where she is. Also, if you quit your job and she hardly ever comes over, if ever, anymore, how come you haven't since started job searching?
Honestly your relationship with your daughter sounds a lot like my relationship with my mother. I'm not your teen daughter, but I can tell you why I don't talk to my mom, and it might give you some insight. The reason I don't talk to my mom is because all she does is bullet-fire me with questions about my life and future and then criticizes absolutely everything I come up with. I've told her my goals and how I am working towards them a million times and she never seems to be able to catch on to what I'm doing with my life. Those are important things to talk about but it's all she ever wants to talk about, and even though it's all we talk about, she still can't even remember what my interests are. I don't know your daughter's reasons for deciding to stay with her dad, but you might want to analyze your own behaviors and see why your daughter doesn't want to spend time with you. Can you guys have a good time together, or is it always tense between you two? Does she seem relaxed around you, or does she feel like she can't be herself? Maybe you can ask her dad what he does that makes her feel welcome to live with him, and try to get some ideas from him.
After reading all the replies I must say that there were some that were VERY harsh. I came here looking for support and advise on how to handle this whole situation. Not get bashed. Keep in mind that you don't know the WHOLE story (there isn't enough time or room to go into it all). I also read the advise to grow thicker skin and not let the FB things affect me. I've hidden her posts so that I don't get caught off guard when I go on.
I've written her a letter explaining to her that I wasn't happy about being ignored and bashed on FB. And that is why I really didn't have anything to *chat* about. I didn't want to say anything that would have ended in an argument. I also reminded her of all the great times we had together when she was living with us. I sent this letter via FB message. She called me that night. We talked for about 30 minutes. We agreed to meet with our pastor for a bit of counseling and an opportunity to talk some of these things out.
And for what it's worth, for those of you who said that I was being rude for selling her flute without asking her first...I'M THE PARENT. IT'S MY RULES. I PAID FOR THE FLUTE AND I WILL SELL IF I FEEL NECESSARY. I did tell her that if she wanted the flute back, she (or anyone else) could pay me half of what I paid for it and she could have it back.
People are trying to support you by giving you objective advice, based on what you have told us. You can't hold it against us that we don't know parts of the story you didn't tell us. Unfortunately, if you want sympathy, then CD is not the place to come. Also, just because you paid for the flute doesn't justify disregarding her feelings entirely. I"m so glad my parents have always consulted me before selling stuff they had bought me. It sounds like your daughter doesn't respect you because you don't respect her. If you respect her and her feelings, maybe she will start to respect you more.
I don't want to bash you, I want to be honest. You're the mom- and you need to remember that this isn't just about a flute, or facebook. It's about a lifetime relationship. You are being petty and trying to "win". This isn't something to win or lose. Your daughter is hurting, and if you continue this way, you'll lose her. Does that matter to you?
There is a lot of similarity I have noticed over the years among different kinds of posts. One really comon one is how do I get my kids to do exactly what I want exactly the way I want them to. These folk generally don't like the answer. You don't. Take a look in the mirror and figure out why you think you should.
Hmmm...I don't recall a thread or post by me asking how to get my kid to do exactly what I want the way I want. Perhaps you could direct me to it, if it does indeed exist.
Hmmm...I don't recall a thread or post by me asking how to get my kid to do exactly what I want the way I want. Perhaps you could direct me to it, if it does indeed exist.
No no. I was agreeing with you and moving forward from that since it was what gave me that thought.
You can also be as blunt as you need to be, when somebody needs to hear something they'd rather not, and which friends and family who have a vested interest in keeping the peace won't tell them.
We're all adults here. If you can't take the criticism, then don't post the question. Sometimes you need to listen to what people are saying, not just take offense or get defensive. There's often a lot of truth in the replies that aren't sugar coating it for you.
I realize it's tough, but it's often not helpful to just sympathize, when people's relationships are in real jeopardy.
Sometimes, "there there, dear dear" is the last thing that will help someone out of an awkward situation.
Great I am astatic you are cognitive of being blunt,cool!
Utilize your Adult brain power to critique and not criticism. ( I am not personally labeling you the bully as I've yet to read each of your replies).
Also, asking a question does not mean criticise.
Being blunt is one thing; disrespectful is another. Trust me I dislike the PC movement however disrespect is nothing less then disrespect.
Great I am astatic you are cognitive of being blunt,cool!
Utilize your Adult brain power to critique and not criticism. ( I am not personally labeling you the bully as I've yet to read each of your replies).
Also, asking a question does not mean criticise.
Being blunt is one thing; disrespectful is another. Trust me I dislike the PC movement however disrespect is nothing less then disrespect.
You can also be as blunt as you need to be, when somebody needs to hear something they'd rather not, and which friends and family who have a vested interest in keeping the peace won't tell them.
We're all adults here. If you can't take the criticism, then don't post the question. Sometimes you need to listen to what people are saying, not just take offense or get defensive. There's often a lot of truth in the replies that aren't sugar coating it for you.
I realize it's tough, but it's often not helpful to just sympathize, when people's relationships are in real jeopardy.
Sometimes, "there there, dear dear" is the last thing that will help someone out of an awkward situation.
Yes, this.
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Originally Posted by 5thgenSF
when somebody starts bashing it's time to hit the report button. too many of these people don't know the difference between constructive help and bashing.
not agreeing with someone doesn't = bashing.
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Originally Posted by SPECFRCE
Great I am astatic you are cognitive of being blunt,cool!
Utilize your Adult brain power to critique and not criticism. ( I am not personally labeling you the bully as I've yet to read each of your replies).
Also, asking a question does not mean criticise.
Being blunt is one thing; disrespectful is another. Trust me I dislike the PC movement however disrespect is nothing less then disrespect.
ecstatic??
The way these threads usually go, is the OP asks for advice, get advice, gets defensive... THEN the thread goes south, and the posts get more negative. It is almost always because of the attitude of the OP. Quite honestly, we don't owe the OP respect. She asked for advice and got it.
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