Un "friending" my teen age daughter on Facebook? (teenage, support)

[GKH777]

Originally Posted by jujub529

Okay, here's the scoop. Last year my then 16 yo daughter decided that the grass is greener at her fathers house and moved in with him. Since than she has only come over a hand full of times. Most of them ending the time within a couple of hours due to an argument because I asked her a question that she didn't want to answer. Mostly about school or her boyfriend which I have never met. She hasn't called for birthday's, holiday's, Mother's Day or even after I had surgery. She completely blew off visiting her grand parents that we haven't seen for over 2 years when there were here visiting from out of state. I invited her 3 different times to come over.

I've been her "friend" on Facebook since she had the account open (about 4 years or so). The only things I see her posting are things that are very upsetting to me. i.e. making fun of some one at her school with other "friends" on FB, pictures of a promise ring her boyfriend gave her, pictures of her kissing her boyfriend (again, I've never met this boy), etc.

Last week, she discovered that I placed her flute for sale on craigslist. I have child support to pay and don't work. (I'm a stay at home mom {which started because she was having so much trouble in school and I was advised by the school counselors as well as professional family therapists that she would benefit more if I were at home to help her. So I quite my job.}). She sends me a FB e mail telling me that she is very upset because I'm selling the flute. That she wanted to play in college (she hasn't played in over a year, never practiced when she was in the band and she failed her Jr. year in HS and has a 59.63 GPA currently), she and that flute have been through a lot together, and how could I do such a terrible thing to her. Then she posts on her FB wall that the only talent she ever had is now gone forever and her dream is dead. The next day she posts a message about how there is something wrong with her, how she doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut, how she has hurt people in the last few days, ruined some important relationships, etc. And asking for forgiveness. (She has done this before when she is looking for a pity party.) She even contacted my sister-in-law and gave her a big sob story about how I don't want to talk to her, that she doesn't feel comfortable or welcome anymore, how I'm selling her flute because I don't care about her. My sister-in-law called me last night and gave me and my husband a huge lecture on unconditional love, how we need to keep our door and hearts open to her, blah, blah, blah.

I've hidden her posts so that they aren't "in my face" when I'm not expecting it but still able to check out her wall if I want. However, she saw that I was online yesterday and sent me a "chat" hi. I don't want to enable her to hide behind FB to talk to me. I won't allow a mass FB post asking for forgiveness as a personal "I'm sorry, can we work on this". I want her to take responsibility for her actions and face things like an adult. She needs to CALL me. Facebook is terrible when it comes to "talking" to people. I feel that this social networking is creating anti-social behavior. However, I understand that this is the way the younger generation communicates now. Gone are the days of a personal phone call, thank you note, or even a face to face conversation. And should I even mention the lack of spelling skills due to texting? I'm afraid that if I unfriend her on FB that she will think I'm closing the door to her completely.

So I guess my question is, what would you do?

I'd let it ride,,don't pay too much attention to that facebook stuff, its just another way for her to get a pity party happening and have her friends comment...plus the fact she knows you're reading it, feeding into it...I wouldn't put too much emphasis on it, she will get over it eventually.

[imcurious]

Not sure why you wouldn't chat with her. It also seems like selling the flute may have been passive-aggressive on your part. How DID she hear about the flute sale?

I would not unfriend her, but I would stay away from her FB. It will just give you more peace not to read it. And talk to her dad and ask him what is up with her. It is rude of her not to respond to invitations but there must be other stuff going on that you haven't mentioned.

[shalc]

I didn't read all the follow up posts, I'm sure this is repeat but here goes:

At 16 she's still a child. She doesn't have the same judgement or coping skills as an adult. The things you say she's doing are very typical for a teen that age. She doesn't understand why you're selling the flute. At 16, she doesn't have the life experience to. Keep trying with her. Call her. Don't give up.

[Miborn]

I wouldn't unfriend her just doing what you are doing is enough. I would talk to her father about what is on FB and have him try to help get communications going with her.

FB is full of drama at that age and beyond if they are immature most that post pity me stuff have very low self esteem and FB is a way for them to feel good I don't agree with it but that is how it is and the parents should be monitoring what is going on and if inappropriate things are being put on there then a talk with dad is in order.

Teens can sometimes be difficult on purpose even.
Let me ask does dad have any other children living there?
Does dad make more money than you?
Does dad talk bad about you to her?

The selling of her flute I would say if you want it come and get it lets have dinner and catch up.
There are people who have posted on here that are well just plain mean and upity There are a few posts that are adult and give solutions which is what I think you wanted.
Hang in there she won't always be a teenager.

[fallingwater]

The relationship with your daughter is obviously fractured. This is the time to start rebuilding your relationship. The flute has sentimental value to her and believe it or not, it more than likely reminds her of a time when you two were together. By selling it, could be a way of that final cut in your relationship. Teens can be difficult. They want to be grown up but still are very much children inside. I would send her the flute with an apology. Sometimes I think parents get caught up in wanting to be right all the time but displaying that you made a mistake can go a long way. Simply tell her you had no idea that it meant that much to her and you will not be selling the flute. My son played trumpet from 6th grade to 9th grade. He rarely practiced and didnt move up much in his chair. Overall he didnt seem too into it. He decided he wanted to give it up. I was fine with that as he wanted to explore playing the drums. I figured we would sell the trumpet as it was just collecting dust. My son became very upset about it. I asked why he wanted to keep it, he told me it reminded him of various memories he had being in band. Hmmm..okay so we kept the trumpet. I could see it meant a lot to him to keep it. It had sentimental value to him and in all honesty, you really don't get much for used instruments anyway.

As far as the chat goes, that was her form of extending some communication. Chat in my opinion is much like a letter but in real time. If she had sent you a card in the mail, would you return it? I have found when dealing with a lot of emotions with others, its easier to write out communication verses being in person or on the phone. Gives you time to collect your thoughts and so forth. Since you and your daughter seem to be struggling in this area, I would start chatting with her online. The goal is to repair your relationship, correct? Start there with chat or text messages.

[lkb0714]

Originally Posted by jujub529

@ Maciesmom - first of all the ONLY communication from my daughter has been when she has slammed me on FB. Maybe you didn't read the OP. She hasn't called or tried ANY form of communication in a year. Not on birthday's, holiday's or anything. I hardly feel that a simple "hi" in chat is making and effort. And I am NOT rejecting her by unfriending her. I simply want her to make an effort by making personal contact...like I have several times.
As for being a SAHM, yes, I have 2 other small children at home. Since I've been out of work for 4 years, the only job I could get would be at minimum wage at best. And getting a job would require me to get and pay for daycare for 2 children. It would also raise my child support payments. So me having a job would actually COST me more than I would be making in the long run.

Sorry but you do not have the luxury of being a SAHM.

If a father had two small children and used that as an excuse to not find a job to pay child support for another child he would be laughed all the way to the jail house. Same should happen here.

The small children do not negate your obligation to the older one. Their father should be helping to pay for their daycare and you should be working to support your older child. Selling her belongings so you can stay home with your other family is low rent at best.

[jujub529]

After reading all the replies I must say that there were some that were VERY harsh. I came here looking for support and advise on how to handle this whole situation. Not get bashed. Keep in mind that you don't know the WHOLE story (there isn't enough time or room to go into it all). I also read the advise to grow thicker skin and not let the FB things affect me. I've hidden her posts so that I don't get caught off guard when I go on.

I've written her a letter explaining to her that I wasn't happy about being ignored and bashed on FB. And that is why I really didn't have anything to *chat* about. I didn't want to say anything that would have ended in an argument. I also reminded her of all the great times we had together when she was living with us. I sent this letter via FB message. She called me that night. We talked for about 30 minutes. We agreed to meet with our pastor for a bit of counseling and an opportunity to talk some of these things out.

And for what it's worth, for those of you who said that I was being rude for selling her flute without asking her first...I'M THE PARENT. IT'S MY RULES. I PAID FOR THE FLUTE AND I WILL SELL IF I FEEL NECESSARY. I did tell her that if she wanted the flute back, she (or anyone else) could pay me half of what I paid for it and she could have it back.

[AnnaNomus]

Sorry if you feel you're being bashed...but really, she has to pay you back for a flute that was given to her? I thought, as I'm sure she thought, that when a parent gives you something that it's a gift for you to keep. It would never, ever have occurred to me that my mom would have taken something of mine and sold it because she bought it. Even if it was something I never touched, it was still MINE. True enough that I don't know the whole story, but from what it sounds like, you seem a little resentful that she went to live with her father, which is why you are able to justify selling her flute to pay him child support. It wasn't right, and it's not right to make her pay you for it. You bought it for her, it's hers. Respect that, and maybe give her one less thing to disrespect you about on FB.

For what it's worth, I am glad to hear you two talked it out, and agreed to get counseling. I hope things continue to improve between the two of you.

[mochamajesty]

Originally Posted by jujub529

After reading all the replies I must say that there were some that were VERY harsh.

And for what it's worth, for those of you who said that I was being rude for selling her flute without asking her first...I'M THE PARENT. IT'S MY RULES. I PAID FOR THE FLUTE AND I WILL SELL IF I FEEL NECESSARY. I did tell her that if she wanted the flute back, she (or anyone else) could pay me half of what I paid for it and she could have it back.

Wow, and I thought my mom sucked. You, ma'am, are a piece of work. You actually want your child to buy something of hers back? LOL. Maybe if you got a job you wouldn't "have" to sell your kid's possessions. You seem selfish and greedy. I bet the part that you hate most about your daughter living with her dad is that you have to pay child support.

And why would a grown woman get butthurt over Facebook? Grow. Up.

And it wasn't rude of you to sell the flute. It was just....mean.

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by jujub529

After reading all the replies I must say that there were some that were VERY harsh. I came here looking for support and advise on how to handle this whole situation. Not get bashed. Keep in mind that you don't know the WHOLE story (there isn't enough time or room to go into it all). I also read the advise to grow thicker skin and not let the FB things affect me. I've hidden her posts so that I don't get caught off guard when I go on.

I've written her a letter explaining to her that I wasn't happy about being ignored and bashed on FB. And that is why I really didn't have anything to *chat* about. I didn't want to say anything that would have ended in an argument. I also reminded her of all the great times we had together when she was living with us. I sent this letter via FB message. She called me that night. We talked for about 30 minutes. We agreed to meet with our pastor for a bit of counseling and an opportunity to talk some of these things out.

And for what it's worth, for those of you who said that I was being rude for selling her flute without asking her first...I'M THE PARENT. IT'S MY RULES. I PAID FOR THE FLUTE AND I WILL SELL IF I FEEL NECESSARY. I did tell her that if she wanted the flute back, she (or anyone else) could pay me half of what I paid for it and she could have it back.

I don't blame her for being angry with you. Why don't you sell your own stuff? It isn't her problem that you can't come up with child support.