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Okay, here's the scoop. Last year my then 16 yo daughter decided that the grass is greener at her fathers house and moved in with him. Since than she has only come over a hand full of times. Most of them ending the time within a couple of hours due to an argument because I asked her a question that she didn't want to answer. Mostly about school or her boyfriend which I have never met. She hasn't called for birthday's, holiday's, Mother's Day or even after I had surgery. She completely blew off visiting her grand parents that we haven't seen for over 2 years when there were here visiting from out of state. I invited her 3 different times to come over.
I've been her "friend" on Facebook since she had the account open (about 4 years or so). The only things I see her posting are things that are very upsetting to me. i.e. making fun of some one at her school with other "friends" on FB, pictures of a promise ring her boyfriend gave her, pictures of her kissing her boyfriend (again, I've never met this boy), etc.
Last week, she discovered that I placed her flute for sale on craigslist. I have child support to pay and don't work. (I'm a stay at home mom {which started because she was having so much trouble in school and I was advised by the school counselors as well as professional family therapists that she would benefit more if I were at home to help her. So I quite my job.}). She sends me a FB e mail telling me that she is very upset because I'm selling the flute. That she wanted to play in college (she hasn't played in over a year, never practiced when she was in the band and she failed her Jr. year in HS and has a 59.63 GPA currently), she and that flute have been through a lot together, and how could I do such a terrible thing to her. Then she posts on her FB wall that the only talent she ever had is now gone forever and her dream is dead. The next day she posts a message about how there is something wrong with her, how she doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut, how she has hurt people in the last few days, ruined some important relationships, etc. And asking for forgiveness. (She has done this before when she is looking for a pity party.) She even contacted my sister-in-law and gave her a big sob story about how I don't want to talk to her, that she doesn't feel comfortable or welcome anymore, how I'm selling her flute because I don't care about her. My sister-in-law called me last night and gave me and my husband a huge lecture on unconditional love, how we need to keep our door and hearts open to her, blah, blah, blah.
I've hidden her posts so that they aren't "in my face" when I'm not expecting it but still able to check out her wall if I want. However, she saw that I was online yesterday and sent me a "chat" hi. I don't want to enable her to hide behind FB to talk to me. I won't allow a mass FB post asking for forgiveness as a personal "I'm sorry, can we work on this". I want her to take responsibility for her actions and face things like an adult. She needs to CALL me. Facebook is terrible when it comes to "talking" to people. I feel that this social networking is creating anti-social behavior. However, I understand that this is the way the younger generation communicates now. Gone are the days of a personal phone call, thank you note, or even a face to face conversation. And should I even mention the lack of spelling skills due to texting? I'm afraid that if I unfriend her on FB that she will think I'm closing the door to her completely.
So I guess my question is, what would you do?
i can't believe all the nonsense you got from people as an answer. i would unfriend her. she is just using it as a tool to try and manipulate you. her lack of concern for YOU is pathetically selfish. i don't think she cares one bit about the flute. just an excuse to moan and wail. she was the one that moved out. YOU aren't the one damaging your relationship.
Location: Finally escaped The People's Republic of California
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if she wants to make an issiue of the flute, just give it to her, telling her she should have to pay you half kinda makes you look petty. Now there is a chance she will turn around and sell it anyway, so what who cares, give it to her and never ask about it again.. This just a flute right? not a family heirloom or something...
Mel's advise about the child support is spot on, if you can afford to get her what she needs, get it. Otherwise just tell her honestly you can't afford it, or you think she does'nt need it..
Remember back to when you were a teenager, I don't know about you but I was pretty disfunctional, some kids are just that way. Give her call and try to just say hi. She might not answer, so what, just keep the lines open so she knows you're there....
i can't believe all the nonsense you got from people as an answer. i would unfriend her. she is just using it as a tool to try and manipulate you. her lack of concern for YOU is pathetically selfish. i don't think she cares one bit about the flute. just an excuse to moan and wail. she was the one that moved out. YOU aren't the one damaging your relationship.
The daughter is 13. Whatever her difficulties or problematic behaviors are, someone needs to be the adult and it is not going to be the 13 year old. I think the OP did the right thing by explaining to her daughter why she didn't want to chat on fb rather than unfriending her. Apparently, that did get results - the OP spoke with her daughter and they are going to pursue some counseling together.
Okay, here's the scoop. Last year my then 16 yo daughter decided that the grass is greener at her fathers house and moved in with him. Since than she has only come over a hand full of times. Most of them ending the time within a couple of hours due to an argument because I asked her a question that she didn't want to answer. Mostly about school or her boyfriend which I have never met. She hasn't called for birthday's, holiday's, Mother's Day or even after I had surgery. She completely blew off visiting her grand parents that we haven't seen for over 2 years when there were here visiting from out of state. I invited her 3 different times to come over.
I've been her "friend" on Facebook since she had the account open (about 4 years or so). The only things I see her posting are things that are very upsetting to me. i.e. making fun of some one at her school with other "friends" on FB, pictures of a promise ring her boyfriend gave her, pictures of her kissing her boyfriend (again, I've never met this boy), etc.
Last week, she discovered that I placed her flute for sale on craigslist. I have child support to pay and don't work. (I'm a stay at home mom {which started because she was having so much trouble in school and I was advised by the school counselors as well as professional family therapists that she would benefit more if I were at home to help her. So I quite my job.}). She sends me a FB e mail telling me that she is very upset because I'm selling the flute. That she wanted to play in college (she hasn't played in over a year, never practiced when she was in the band and she failed her Jr. year in HS and has a 59.63 GPA currently), she and that flute have been through a lot together, and how could I do such a terrible thing to her. Then she posts on her FB wall that the only talent she ever had is now gone forever and her dream is dead. The next day she posts a message about how there is something wrong with her, how she doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut, how she has hurt people in the last few days, ruined some important relationships, etc. And asking for forgiveness. (She has done this before when she is looking for a pity party.) She even contacted my sister-in-law and gave her a big sob story about how I don't want to talk to her, that she doesn't feel comfortable or welcome anymore, how I'm selling her flute because I don't care about her. My sister-in-law called me last night and gave me and my husband a huge lecture on unconditional love, how we need to keep our door and hearts open to her, blah, blah, blah.
I've hidden her posts so that they aren't "in my face" when I'm not expecting it but still able to check out her wall if I want. However, she saw that I was online yesterday and sent me a "chat" hi. I don't want to enable her to hide behind FB to talk to me. I won't allow a mass FB post asking for forgiveness as a personal "I'm sorry, can we work on this". I want her to take responsibility for her actions and face things like an adult. She needs to CALL me. Facebook is terrible when it comes to "talking" to people. I feel that this social networking is creating anti-social behavior. However, I understand that this is the way the younger generation communicates now. Gone are the days of a personal phone call, thank you note, or even a face to face conversation. And should I even mention the lack of spelling skills due to texting? I'm afraid that if I unfriend her on FB that she will think I'm closing the door to her completely.
So I guess my question is, what would you do?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jujub529
@ Maciesmom - first of all the ONLY communication from my daughter has been when she has slammed me on FB. Maybe you didn't read the OP. She hasn't called or tried ANY form of communication in a year. Not on birthday's, holiday's or anything. I hardly feel that a simple "hi" in chat is making and effort. And I am NOT rejecting her by unfriending her. I simply want her to make an effort by making personal contact...like I have several times.
As for being a SAHM, yes, I have 2 other small children at home. Since I've been out of work for 4 years, the only job I could get would be at minimum wage at best. And getting a job would require me to get and pay for daycare for 2 children. It would also raise my child support payments. So me having a job would actually COST me more than I would be making in the long run.
@ Kibbikat - I am not the one being immature. I have made honest attempts at trying to communicate with her from phone calls, "hand written" letters, personal invites to family events such as weddings and family reunions (or maybe you didn't read that part about asking her 3 times to come and visit with her grand parents we haven't seen in over 2 years) Miss you cards, holiday cards, etc. My 5 year old has even mailed her pictures that she colored. I do pay child support and have never been late on the payments. Yes, I am very BLESSED to be able to be a SAHM, but that doesn't come without some sacrifices. As I said above, it would COST me to go back to work. Between an increase in support payments, paying for daycare for 2 kids, and the overall cost of gas, wear and tear on a second vehicle and other expenses with working, I would actually have to pay more than my actual income would provide. As for the bigger issues than facebook. You are absolutely right!!! We've spent years in family counseling with no result. I was simply asking about unfriending on Facebook. Not looking to be slammed by a total stranger.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jujub529
After reading all the replies I must say that there were some that were VERY harsh. I came here looking for support and advise on how to handle this whole situation. Not get bashed. Keep in mind that you don't know the WHOLE story (there isn't enough time or room to go into it all). I also read the advise to grow thicker skin and not let the FB things affect me. I've hidden her posts so that I don't get caught off guard when I go on.
I've written her a letter explaining to her that I wasn't happy about being ignored and bashed on FB. And that is why I really didn't have anything to *chat* about. I didn't want to say anything that would have ended in an argument. I also reminded her of all the great times we had together when she was living with us. I sent this letter via FB message. She called me that night. We talked for about 30 minutes. We agreed to meet with our pastor for a bit of counseling and an opportunity to talk some of these things out.
And for what it's worth, for those of you who said that I was being rude for selling her flute without asking her first...I'M THE PARENT. IT'S MY RULES. I PAID FOR THE FLUTE AND I WILL SELL IF I FEEL NECESSARY. I did tell her that if she wanted the flute back, she (or anyone else) could pay me half of what I paid for it and she could have it back.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eastwesteastagain
The daughter is 13. Whatever her difficulties or problematic behaviors are, someone needs to be the adult and it is not going to be the 13 year old. I think the OP did the right thing by explaining to her daughter why she didn't want to chat on fb rather than unfriending her. Apparently, that did get results - the OP spoke with her daughter and they are going to pursue some counseling together.
the daughter is 17. and whether you want a relationship with your child that is ONLY via facebook has nothing to do with being ADULT.
i can't believe all the nonsense you got from people as an answer. i would unfriend her. she is just using it as a tool to try and manipulate you. her lack of concern for YOU is pathetically selfish. i don't think she cares one bit about the flute. just an excuse to moan and wail. she was the one that moved out. YOU aren't the one damaging your relationship.
She is the parent, and she needs to act like it. With all the issues they have, coming here to ask about facebook, of all things, shows a lack of maturity. Unfriending her own daughter will only be fuel for the fire.
She is the parent, and she needs to act like it. With all the issues they have, coming here to ask about facebook, of all things, shows a lack of maturity. Unfriending her own daughter will only be fuel for the fire.
A certain amount of drama goes along with being a teenager. Ideally, the teen grows out of it as she becomes an adult. An adult perpetuating the drama is just pathetic.
the daughter is 17. and whether you want a relationship with your child that is ONLY via facebook has nothing to do with being ADULT.
Ah, my bad. I had the age confused with the daughter on another poster's thread. Even at 17, the parent is the adult in this scenario. Regarding your second point, it is not about Facebook or not Facebook, it is about trying to figure out how to maintain to communication with your child when there are relationship difficulties. Incidentally, the OP figured out how to do this without unfriending her daughter.
After reading all the replies I must say that there were some that were VERY harsh. I came here looking for support and advise on how to handle this whole situation. Not get bashed. Keep in mind that you don't know the WHOLE story (there isn't enough time or room to go into it all). I also read the advise to grow thicker skin and not let the FB things affect me. I've hidden her posts so that I don't get caught off guard when I go on.
I've written her a letter explaining to her that I wasn't happy about being ignored and bashed on FB. And that is why I really didn't have anything to *chat* about. I didn't want to say anything that would have ended in an argument. I also reminded her of all the great times we had together when she was living with us. I sent this letter via FB message. She called me that night. We talked for about 30 minutes. We agreed to meet with our pastor for a bit of counseling and an opportunity to talk some of these things out.
And for what it's worth, for those of you who said that I was being rude for selling her flute without asking her first...I'M THE PARENT. IT'S MY RULES. I PAID FOR THE FLUTE AND I WILL SELL IF I FEEL NECESSARY. I did tell her that if she wanted the flute back, she (or anyone else) could pay me half of what I paid for it and she could have it back.
You are correct.... we do not know the whole story... just what you posted. We understand your frustration and pain. But we aren't trying to be harsh.... just real. At the end of the day, you live this, we do not. You have the power to change the situation or to keep it as it is.
It is encouraging that communication has been re-established. That is a step in the right direction.
I stand by my previous post. You need to figure out what kind of relationship you want with your child, then work toward that kind of relationship.
The part with the flute... yeah... you are the parent, you paid for it. Then gave it to our daughter, thus transferring ownership. But the drama isn't about the object (flute) it is about how you disrespected your daughter by selling something that belonged to her without out regard to how she felt about it. Then you rubbed salt in the would by telling her she could buy your respect (by paying for her own flute) at a discounted price of 50% off.
Again, I am not bashing you. You posted here to get advice about 'unfriending' your daughter. It is too late to fix the flute issue... that is over and done with. I gave my advice. When you put all this out on an open forum, you should be prepared to be called out for your own behavior as well.
Ah, my bad. I had the age confused with the daughter on another poster's thread. Even at 17, the parent is the adult in this scenario. Regarding your second point, it is not about Facebook or not Facebook, it is about trying to figure out how to maintain to communication with your child when there are relationship difficulties. Incidentally, the OP figured out how to do this without unfriending her daughter.
that was her question. facebook or not. and attacking the OP is against the rules, for those of you that did that.
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