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I wouldn't go that far. They got married and had a son. It's likely that they were happy at one point. But I would say that the OP has withdrawn from genuine interaction with her for so long she has lost all respect for him. She sees him as emotionally impotent and he sees her as cold and unfeeling. They are both blaming each other for what is wrong with this marriage and it's the son whose life will be screwed up as a result because he, too, seems to take the path of least resistance (which is letting Mom fight his battles for him and clean up afterwards).
I missed some pages of this long thread, so I don't know if family therapy has been tried. Last I was here he wanted it, she agreed and then changed her mind. But if they DON'T go, these two will either end up in divorce court or die as very bitter, unhappy oldsters.
Well this is not going to be fun to hear. She cannot respect the way you grovel to her. You never held on to your N.U.T.S. (And no I am not referring to your testicles, though I think there is a reason for the title.)
Like it or not, women want a MAN. A man does not "yes dear" anyone. Moderator Cut. He is a person with inner strength who knows how to set effective limits. By allowing your wife to walk on you, you have also allowed her respect and affection for you to die.
This issue is really not a parenting one, or at least this off shoot discussion. The relationship board on CD does not have much in the way of help for a person IN a broken relationship. It seems to be more about getting oneself in and out of broken relationships. There is a board that is actually about marriage. It is Talk About Marriage - The Marriage Advice & Relationship Help Forums. If you go the men's clubhouse, you will likely get good advice. It may sound All Wrong at first. My first reaction to the concept of fitness testing (they will explain it better than I can) was to call total BS. But the fact is, I did it. Most of the women I know do it, or did it until the correct (or incorrect) information came in. And it was totally subconscious.
There are some men over there who have been in exactly the same situation as you, and some much worse, who instead of throwing in the towel, rebuilt their marriages to what they wanted them to be.
Good luck! You do have a long row to hoe. But the produce at the end of it can be beautiful!
Last edited by Jaded; 05-23-2013 at 03:38 PM..
Reason: Inappropriate language
"...can't stand him ..." vs. "...lost all respect..."
=
pre-law vs. pre-med
Basically the same thing.
She won't show affection for him because she feels no affection for him because she doesn't want to reach out to him because his behavior is a complete turn-off.
That's a tough spot for me because I feel like his reactions are justified but I feel bad that she is withdrawn and isn't being given honesty from him
You can get stuck in a right fight, which things are justified and who is right. Or you can figure out what actions will be EFFECTIVE. Screw "right". Screw "justified". Start being effective and get your family back. Are you seeing a counselor for just YOU? If no, you should be.
You've received some harsh feedback here. Most of it is right. This part hits the bullseye. A few pages back I referred to the routines you, your wife and your son have created. You keep continuing the routine.
Let's break it down. You do something your wife doesn't like. She becomes angry. You try to do something to get into her good graces again, usually a gift of some type to avoid the real issue. She gets what she wants (a dinner out, a shopping trip) You get what you want for a very brief time (a little affection or kindness from your wife.) Both of you are rewarded by this pattern, but it lacks honesty and truth. This dinner invitation and flowers is no different. You can tell yourself you were trying to be romantic, but I suspect at the core you were trying to AVOID the real issue.
You have a choice. You can continue with this routine and have brief moments of peace and happiness with no honesty or truth in the relationship. You will never have deep, inner comfort and security in the relationship though. Short-term, it will work for you and "maybe" it will be enough for you both to last the rest of your lives together. I doubt it though as you are both still fairly young and at a certain point in life one wants more.
You can also try to change the relationship so that you both feel true comfort, security, and have an honest relationship. This is the relationship that will weather the storms of life. This is the harder route and requires effort. I gave you some sample words to go this route a few pages back. It's your decision.
Think of it this way. It's lunch time. You're hungry and grab the first thing you see--a piece of cake. The piece of cake satisfies you for a short period of time, but in an hour you're hungry again and keep eating more cake. Imagine instead if you had taken the time to make a sandwich with some protein and healthy carbs. You remain satisfied until dinner because you ate the right kind of food. You and your wife are constantly eating the cake when you really need a sandwich. Both of you are avoiding the truth. Why? The truth is sometimes scary.
As others have suggested some reading or websites I feel compelled to mention my favorite. Search for any of John Gottman's books or his website. Gottman's advice is based upon decades of actual research on what makes marriage work.
Ask yourself, and your wife, what do you want and need in this marriage? Are either of you getting it now? What has to change in order to answer with a yes?
why doesn't she care that 2/3 of the house feels the need for her to attempt to change?
I suspect she does care, but change is difficult and scary and hard. It takes one to an unknown place. She has something that kind of "works" for her and is easy. It provides some distorted sense of temporary security. Recognizing a problem, to change, requires she give up that small bit of inner security she now has. She needs to recognize that in the long run that little bit of security she feels will not be enough. Maybe you can help her see that or not. I've given you a suggestion before about being honest.
I asked her to go with us to the next session and that I really wanted her there so we could heal ourselves as a family. Her response was kind of expected . “ No, I’m not going. I’m not going to be paraded around as an obedient pretty little housewife who is controlled by her chauvinist husband. Go to your session, hurt my feelings. "
I asked her to go with us to the next session and that I really wanted her there so we could heal ourselves as a family. Her response was kind of expected . “ No, I’m not going. I’m not going to be paraded around as an obedient pretty little housewife who is controlled by her chauvinist husband. Go to your session, hurt my feelings. "
I asked her to go with us to the next session and that I really wanted her there so we could heal ourselves as a family. Her response was kind of expected . “ No, I’m not going. I’m not going to be paraded around as an obedient pretty little housewife who is controlled by her chauvinist husband. Go to your session, hurt my feelings. "
What a baby.
She is deeply embedded in this dysfunction. Change will be VERY painful, OP.
“ No, I’m not going. I’m not going to be paraded around as an obedient pretty little housewife who is controlled by her chauvinist husband. Go to your session, hurt my feelings. "
Did you roll your eyes back at her? Really, why haven't you left or kicked her out?
You really need to tell her she's not the only one that matters. And for refusing to go (not to mention for being such a female dog (sorry, dogs)), tell her you won't be taking her out for dinner, receving roses or gifts until she does go. Oh, and take the bedroom door off its hinges. Seriously.
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There is a board that is actually about marriage. It is 
