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Short answer: You have to decide what is right and important for your family. This affects you, your wife, son, and any other kids that come after. A SAHM/SAHD may work for some families but not for others. It doesn't mean one is worse than the other.
Here is my story: My wife is a SAHM. We have two daughters, a four year old and a 19 month old. She works 9 hours a week feeding lunch to an elderly neighbor of my wife's parents, but my wife is allowed to take the kids with her. It pays $10 an hour with no benefits, but she likes she gets to make some money. Her degree is in Interior Design and she never wanted to get into that field but always wanted to be a SAHM. Luckily it worked out that I make enough money for her to stay home. She enjoys it and I think it works for our family. She worked in a retail job until our first daughter came around in October 2009. We didn't see a point in her working a retail job just to pay for daycare.
We keep the house acceptable - not filthy, but not sparkling clean. We don't have many visitors and the more often used rooms (living room [which is also recently renovated], dining room, and kitchen) are kept clean and passable the most. Don't worry so much about housework, no clean police squad is going to come and inspect your house! When I come home from work, I take over the girls and play with them while my wife makes dinner. We eat together and then I get the girls in the bath and then ready for bed so my wife has two-three hours a night free to do whatever she wants. Sometimes she works on a house project, does laundry/vacuum, or just catching up on TV. I try to wake up a little early on weekdays or weekends so I can take care of some things. We wish we could exercise more right now, but that time will come. The kids are more important to us. On weekends we try do family things together.
In three years your son will start going to school all day. That is about 7-8 hours a day for about nine months that your wife will have free (assuming no more kids) to do other things, perhaps go back to work or school or a hobby she is interested in. For instance, my wife enjoys being home with the kids but says the time will come when she will enjoy dropping the kids off at school, reading a book at Starbucks, go take pictures of nature (photography is her hobby) or work on a house project, do a chore or two, start dinner, and then pick up the kids for school. This is time you don't get back with kids, so enjoy it as much as possible IMO.
Why? Do it with the kid, and show him how it is done. And sing a song for good measure.
It wasn't meant to be taken seriously. YOu know a small child that young won't do the job right, but will do what they can. And depending on the job, it'll need to be "finished" later, so as not to make the kid feel he isn't capable.
SAHMs with sloppy houses tend to just be overwhelmed and don't know how to do it efficiently. I used to be one of those, I had one baby (18 months when we got our house) and I just couldn't seem to manage. It comes with experience and an efficient system - planning, planning, planning! I got Cynthia Towley's Organized Home book (free at the library btw) and followed her cleaning routine down to a T.
Things like doing exactly one load of laundry per day at 7am (no matter what)/set a timer set a routine, leaving some toys on the floor for baby to play with while I folded them, follow a 6 step schedule of one room per day (bathroom, whatever) with the cleaning routine etc. made it easy.
I have two kids now and a constantly shedding dog and my house is very clean, I was able to do this once the new baby was only 2 weeks old, and it really was just a matter of better planning and organizing, it wasn't the kids to blame.
Taking time off from a career is not only about whether a person can get back into the field or not, but also about the time-value of money. Starting to save for retirement at 40 is different from starting at 30--eight or ten years can make a difference when it comes to the amount of money someone can afford to put away and the amount of time it has to grow. It may or may not matter in a particular situation, but it is something that should be taken into consideration.
Also, if the amount of spending money is drastically decreased, or if money is used, consciously or unconsciously, to wield power in a relationship, having a parent stay at home could have negative repercussions for the family. A child will not be better off having mom at home if the parents are fighting about money.
Finally, while many people are ok with a messy house, others are not. Partners in a house need to be in agreement regarding the acceptable level of cleanliness and who is going to do what, when. It's not enough to say, "She's home all day so she should keep it clean," or "he can do it on the weekend." They need to decide, out loud and up front, how it's going to work to avoid conflict.
By the time you shell out for day care for say, 8-10 years for two kids, and before/after care for a few more years, there's not much left to put into the retirement account anyway. I was mostly a SAHM when the kids were little, working one day a week or so. When the time came, I worked full time and it looks like we'll have a fairly comfortable retirement. Now if DH takes after his father, and lives to be 97, that'll be a different story.
As far as the house, another solution is a cleaning person, but that can take several hours' wages away, too.
By the time you shell out for day care for say, 8-10 years for two kids, and before/after care for a few more years, there's not much left to put into the retirement account anyway. I was mostly a SAHM when the kids were little, working one day a week or so. When the time came, I worked full time and it looks like we'll have a fairly comfortable retirement. Now if DH takes after his father, and lives to be 97, that'll be a different story.
As far as the house, another solution is a cleaning person, but that can take several hours' wages away, too.
Obviously, it's going to vary by family and situation. I'm just saying that it should be a consideration. Securing a good retirement for yourself also benefits your children, because they won't be worried about taking care of you when they're trying to take care of their own families.
Listen to yourself! You are exhausted with chasing your two year old when YOU have to watch him and YOU get nothing d
done but you expect your WIFE to get all if this stuff done??? Double standard! If you wanted a maid you should have married one. You knew she wasn't into cleaning so y are y in a bunch now? You're sounding kind of male schauvinistic and sound like you are basically saying if you are going to start making the money, you make the rules. I beg your pardon. I am a mother of a two year old.Newsflash! Teaching a child, playing with him, nurturing him and feeding him ( not to mention the hourly tantrums, mood swings and crying) is an all-day job! It ismuch easier to go to work, sit on your a*s and just exercise your brain all day. Consider yourself lucky bc it sounds to me like YOU are the one getting off easy. I think YOU ought to clean up daily. Surely, you will have more energy than she will!
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Originally Posted by MaseMan
I don't think she would, but there are times where I'll come home on a day when she is off, and nothing has been done around the house. It can be frustrating. I would say lately she has been doing better, though. I'm not expecting her to keep a pristine house either (basically impossible with a toddler around, I know). I just want basic stuff handled like dishes and clothes done, occasional vacuuming and dusting, etc.
MThe days I stay home with him are very tough...I don't get much work done with him around, and my wife typically runs errands and works out at the gym after her job is done. I don't mind that she does this, but it ends up being a very long day for me, knowing I have stuff I should be getting done, but really can't.
I'm sorry, but this made me laugh. You're already worried your wife's housekeeping will get worse if she stays home, but you admit you can't get much done the ONE day you stay home with your son. With him at home every day the house will only become more messy if she isn't the type to clean and straighten up as she goes along.
When I worked part time and stayed at home part time, I cherished my trips to the gym, and the times that my husband and I could go out to lunch together. I could be with my son long enough for him to not drive me crazy, and I'm still amazed at how much I was able to teach him, without it turning into a classroom. There really was something to be said about working and making my own money, and making my own decisions on how I spent said money (ok, my own decisions, within reason of family expenses). That would have been a lot to give up being a strictly SAHM.
But, if your wife says that she wants to be a SAHM, and it's financially feasible, then why not at least give it a try? I understand all of your concerns, except your expectation of her "keeping house." That can't possibly be your biggest concern, right?
None of us can make the decision for you. I think your biggest concern should be, are you guys willing to rein in the expenses?
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