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My mother is a recovering drug addict. My father was an alcoholic. I was shot with both barrels, as they say. I won't touch alcohol. And I do not take narcotics even on doctor's orders. So you are preaching to the choir. I've lived it. And I understand not having anything to do with the child until they hit bottom.
But that's not what "disown" means to me. To disown someone means to act as if they never existed. I'm all for personal responsibilty and I agree that you have to save yourself. I've done it. I called DCFS on my own parents. And now I have a passable relationship with my mom.
I guess the sticking point for me is that you admit that you had a child with an alcoholic. Then you sit the child down and say, "Well, because your father is an alcoholic there is a gene that predisposes you to this. But if you do it, you are dead to me." That sounds ridiculous to me.
Well, the way you word it, it is ridiculous. That's not quite how the conversation went.
And hey, maybe I'm in denial and would be just as big a codependent asswhole with a drunk/addict daughter as I was with a drunk/addict husband and a drunk/addict best friend. But the thought of it--the very thought of seeing that gorgeous, intelligent, compassionate human being turn her existence into a alcohol-or-drug-fogged waste of life--I don't think my heart would be able to take it. I just don't, no matter what someone on the outside thinks I should or shouldn't feel.
Then once aware that a propensity for addiction may exist, avoid those behaviors at all cost. To fall prey to them and then say "But I have a disposition towards addiction - Waa-waa-waa!" is not an excuse. That's where the character flaw lies - in the lack of personal responsibity to act accordingly, seeking and following through with help that's available.
There are seveal alcoholics in my family tree. I may have such a genetic weakness there as well, but I'm not going to indulge in heavy drinking to discover if I will get in over my head. Knowing that it might exist has always been enough to keep me from doing more than light social drinking. (ok, there was that lost week in Mexico, but... )
That's great that you are aware. Some people aren't. Some people also have the mistaken idea that it is a weakness and hat even though Dad or Grandma died of alcohol related illness, it won't happen to them because they're stronger and they are obviously of better character than their addicted family members.
Therefore, they don't avoid the behaviors at all costs. They don't avoid them at all. Because addiction is something that happens to weak people, not them. And as such, they often never seek help because to admit their problem is to admit they were wrong, or to admit they were "weak characterless" people.
Pride is a killer of addicted people.
I never said that being disposed is a wah wah excuse. Not once.
That's great that you are aware. Some people aren't. Some people also have the mistaken idea that it is a weakness and hat even though Dad or Grandma died of alcohol related illness, it won't happen to them because they're stronger and they are obviously of better character than their addicted family members.
Or they might spend some time as an invincible teenager.
So if your child was the Sandy Hook shooter you would still love them and hire an attorney and all that stuff? Or if you found out a son raped a 6 months old baby? Blood only goes so far.
To you, perhaps. Not to everyone.
I've met a few courageous, loving mothers who had sons who committed horrendous crimes. They stood by their sons and were there for them when no one else was. It's a pretty powerful thing to witness.
Blood only goes so far? What? Why are you thinking about blood and not the love and the bond between a parent and child? Love is the most powerful force in the universe.
Disownment, short of actually taking the life of one's child (more on that in a minute), was a traditional method of dealing with a family member that dishonored the family. It's a lot more prevalent in certain cultures... indeed, for example, in Ancient Rome, the head of the household was legally allowed to take the life of his offspring or grandchildren if he felt they dishonored the household for whatever reason. Though still relatively rare in practice, one of the most famous methods of disownment is shunning in the various Mennonite communities - where not only does your family disown you, but your entire community does as well.
In the modern West, while it still happens, it's not nearly as common as it was in the past, as it means that all lines of communication are severed and the disownee is basically dead to the rest of the family. Nowadays, a more common method of dealing with dishonor/disrespect is cutting them off financially - they are current allowances are terminated, and/or disinherited (which is a term that is VERY commonly confused with disownment). There is still a relationship at least, still often amicable, perhaps even loving, but as for their current or future well-being, they're on their own. And to be brutally honest, no child should ever have to expect a dime from their parents after they leave this world. They were supposed to be instilled with the correct habits of being self-sufficient, a far greater gift than what rarely amounts to be more than a token sum.
Well, the way you word it, it is ridiculous. That's not quite how the conversation went.
And hey, maybe I'm in denial and would be just as big a codependent asswhole with a drunk/addict daughter as I was with a drunk/addict husband and a drunk/addict best friend. But the thought of it--the very thought of seeing that gorgeous, intelligent, compassionate human being turn her existence into a alcohol-or-drug-fogged waste of life--I don't think my heart would be able to take it. I just don't, no matter what someone on the outside thinks I should or shouldn't feel.
I would try to the best of my abilities to get them help. Being a substance abuser is not cause for me to disown them.
The truth of the matter is, it's easy to sit here and list off a bunch of reasons that we think we would/could disown our kids for. But real life is much different.
I know a guy whose son became a drug addict. His son and I were friends, a long time ago. He got worse as time went on, and eventually we (his friends) had to cut him out of our lives before he started taking us down with him.
His father found out about his drug problem, and said he'd disown him. His son got even worse, then one day came home to his father, missing two fingers. Turns out he owed a drug dealer $30k and if he didn't pay up, they were going to kill him.
At that point, the father couldn't stand the thought of losing his son. He took a gun and killed the drug dealer, and ended up going to prison for his son.
I'd say it's hard for any of us to say with any sort of conviction what we'd do in some situation where we'd consider disowning our own child... until we're actually placed in that situation.
One certain way for any of my children to be disowned is if they demonstrate disrespect towards their mother. That is a "capital" offense in my family and has been from the day they entered this world. You don't get to do that with the woman who risked life to give you life. There are perhaps a few other events that could cause me to turn my back on one of mine, but the surest one is mistreating mom. I don't mean a cross word, I mean an ugly attitude, hateful attitude. That will do it. So far so good.
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