Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Having the dad stay over a bit to learn to care for his child is an excellent idea! It makes sure the baby can keep breastfeeding and is safely in her mother's home but also gives the dad a really good chance to bond with his baby.
Custody should be established as soon as possible though. Is it possible there just to legally establish the primary parent and residence of the baby without going into visitation schedules etc.? So visitation can be figured out later once baby is a little bit older and able to be away from mum for a few hours but there is a legal safeguard just in case the dad's father pushes him to go for sole custody or something like that.
I empathize with the dad's family during this time. It's a tenuous hold that they have on their grandchild when the parents of that child aren't married.
When my daughter had her oldest, she and the dad weren't married, and the dad was eighteen. Both had graduated from high school and were in college. Anyway, they quickly decided that they were not going to stay together romantically - in fact, they'd already broken up when she found out she was pregnant. So...we all knew that co parenting was going to be a challenge. It always - ALWAYS - is when the parents don't live in the same house and each house has different rules, norms, etc. Even with the best intentions all the way around it's difficult.
The dad's mother and sisters were so excited about the birth of the baby - seemingly moreso than the dad, who frankly seemed shell shocked by the whole concept of being a father. I really felt sorry for him because he was so young - even a year younger than my daughter and MUCH younger emotionally than she was. He clearly wasn't ready to be a father. But his family was ready to love and cherish and adore this baby. They were all at the hospital when she was born and they were as thrilled as I was to hold her and bond with her. She stayed in the hospital a couple of days because she was nearly a month early, but soon she headed home.
To make a long story short, it became clear very early on that it was more the dad's FAMILY that was pushing for the relationship than the dad himself. And who could blame them for loving that baby and wanting to spend time with her? My daughter made that easy for them and never made a big deal about whether it was the dad or his family who wanted to be with her, pick her up, etc. But over time we noticed that the push was definitely coming much more from his family than the dad. Still...more people to love her couldn't hurt her, could it?
Then dad started slipping on the child support. Then he just didn't pay child support. For awhile his mom tried paying it but money was tight there, and there was also the friction of the fact that HE needed to be paying it. Still - that's not his family's fault or the baby's fault, so my daughter continued to allow them full access (no court order about visitation - it didn't seem there was a need for it). They would keep the baby every other weekend and get her a night or two during the week - informally but pretty regularly. Sometimes I would drop her off or pick her up. We noticed that the dad was seldom around and basically NEVER picked her up or dropped her off. As she got older and could talk, we came to realize that it was more like HIM visiting his mom while the baby was there - the mom and sisters basically pushed the whole thing, and they were crazy about that little girl.
Well. The values between the two families differ greatly - they did then and they do now. Two families could hardly be more different. That particular family does not have a strong work ethic AT ALL. Basically it was a youngish grandmother, single mom, letting three or four of her grown kids live with her at any given time, as they were nearly always "between jobs." The dad didn't even have a full time job - he was in a band. They were on public assistance off and on. They also all, without exception, have a sort of "victim mentality," - a real inferiority complex rooted in a paranoia about class divisions and social standing. They are also a family with some religious ideas that differ from my daughter's religious beliefs. They are basically "hippies" and my daughter is a "yuppie" if you want to look at it very simplistically. My daughter is and always has been into a very healthy, all natural diet with plenty of exercise and avoidance of chemicals, that sort of thing. The dad's family is overweight, unhealthy, into junk food, etc. They also completely spoiled the baby - though their finances were apparently always tight, they lavished gifts and toys and clothes on her.
It was very awkward. You don't want to undermine another family's love and the expression of that love, but you also want to keep things on an even keel with a child. It was like she'd go to their house for a few days and come back to a completely different world. And meanwhile, dad was less and less in the picture.
Inevitably, there were problems. And the thing is, it wasn't about two parents working things out - it was my daughter trying to reason, not with the dad, but with three or four other family members. IT WAS CRAZY. And meanwhile, he wasn't paying child support.
Eventually, she had to just take the whole mess to court. Of course, the other family - ever the victims - didn't show up and the dad slouched around in such a pouty manner that the judge actually slapped him with REDUCED visitation (since he wasn't actually even involved in a lot of the visitation anyway) and garnishments for back child support (YEARS of back child support). He faded out of the picture even more, but the other family members became frantic in a way - and I DON'T BLAME THEM.
Long story short - he gave up his parental rights when the child was ten allowing her daddy (who had been in her life since she was a year old and married to her mother since she was two years old) to formally adopt her. Though my daughter made it very clear to his family that they were ALL still welcome in her life (including the bio dad), they opted to fade out of her life. I am sure this is a sad thing for their family, but it was ultimately their choice.
It was very hard on my granddaughter to try to understand how they could discard her. She was attached to them, naturally, even her dad.
Sometimes in the case of bio dads, especially young ones, these relationships are tenuous at best. Often it's the OTHER family members pushing the dad for "more involvement, more involvement." It's been my personal experience that if the other family members have to push for the dad to be more involved, that's just not a good sign long term. Too much extended family involvement often really complicates things.
I can only speak for my family and my daughter, but it would have been extremely awkward for the bio dad to come hang out at our house for several days and nights when my daughter was recovering from the birth and trying to get breastfeeding established. This is a very intimate time and therefore most people prefer it to be a pretty private time, especially during feedings and when the mother and baby are trying to settle into a routine. When the two parents are not romantically involved with each other, there are lots of aspects of this time that the mother would prefer to keep private, even if it's nothing more than her moods caused by fluctuating hormones. I would say that daily visits would be appropriate but we surely wouldn't have wanted the bio dad to be sleeping at our house -and for that matter, I am sure he would have been quite horrified at the suggestion himself.
Custody should be established as soon as possible though. Is it possible there just to legally establish the primary parent and residence of the baby without going into visitation schedules etc.? So visitation can be figured out later once baby is a little bit older and able to be away from mum for a few hours but there is a legal safeguard just in case the dad's father pushes him to go for sole custody or something like that.
Visitation will definitely be decided when custody is determined. Since she's breastfeeding, it's very unlikely he'll get joint physical custody. He'll likely get joint legal custody with her having primary physical custody and his having visitation.
Visitation will definitely be decided when custody is determined. Since she's breastfeeding, it's very unlikely he'll get joint physical custody. He'll likely get joint legal custody with her having primary physical custody and his having visitation.
So visitation can't be determined separately later? That's a bit of a bugger then. What about a temporary visitation agreement that he visits at her home x number of hours on x days with an agreement to agree a new visitation schedule in 6 months or a year or so, can it be done that way?
So visitation can't be determined separately later? That's a bit of a bugger then. What about a temporary visitation agreement that he visits at her home x number of hours on x days with an agreement to agree a new visitation schedule in 6 months or a year or so, can it be done that way?
It can be done any way they agree upon, but most people don't want to pay lawyers to reappear in court again unless necessary. Instead, they'll try to hash out a long-term plan, even one that escalates visitation with time. However, I think it's unlikely they'll come to an agreement on their own since the grandfather is so influential and bullheaded. The court will likely decide this. It will be interesting to learn how soon in the future the court orders her to pump breast milk so his visitation can be extended.
Second off congrats that she is BFing and it is going well!
Third. Get a lawyer. ASAP. I have one now after my daughters father assaulted me and his brother held a gun to get head. They both pled guilty and got suspended sentences ( I am furious about that but that's for another thread). He served me with custudy papers after I filed the restraining order saying he has a job (never did the whole time we were together, just drained my savings and hasn't put a penny toward her, even still). He claims he was the primary caretaker (BS). He spent his mornings sleeping it off and days and nights drinking. Even going out to the mall was an embarrassment. He would walk in with us, then go out to take a "call", and smoke and drink out of the trunk the whole time. Me and daughter would wander and play and when he wasn't drinking he was berating us and calling us names. I was the only person who fed her, changed her, got her to sleep, etc. if her diaper needed to be changed he would scream at me about how lazy and white trash I am and how I'm a ****ty mother who doesn't do anything else. Instead of ::gasp:: changing it himself. Never gave her a bath. But spent hours showering himself. I myself haven't had a shower by myself in years.
Now I paid a lawyer $3000 and he will sort it out. Much better than me trying on my own or getting a friend to do it. Someone who specializes is what you need. Someone who knows all the family court people because they are always there.
No one is going to deny this dad seeing his daughter. No one wants t do that. It's the pushing for her to spend so much time away from the mom. Any time away right now is not a good thing. She needs to be able to feed at will. That's just how it is at first for a while.
Mine couldn't be out of my sight. I was in a bad position with it though and have no experience with the actual length of time as I became very sick with chronic mastitis in their 3rd month and had to stop bf for one day and then there was nothing there the following day. It was devastating.
Everyone on our end is completely supportive of his involvement. Wouldn't have it any other way.
I am going to completely ignore the extended family, their comments, etc.
I really think it's the only way for these young parents to come to agreements. We have an attorney who has advised that they try and come up with a plan for visitation then we can formalize. They have not sought any legal advice at all. That much I do know.
No, the dad is not spending nights here. That's just not happening. I have other kids and still need to get up for work myself. I'm not 100% comfortable with people spending nights in my home while we go on with our normal life. He certainly can visit in the evenings, etc. I'm leaving it to them to work on it but I have put rules in place such as curfews.
I am hopeful that the two of them will come up with a workable agreement. This baby has just been born and it's not going to be passed around from house to house already. It's not a healthy situation for the baby.
When the two of them agree on something, we will have it drawn up. I want this as amicable as possible. But I want it to be them that work this out. Not us and not his family. Just the parents of the baby.
No one is going to deny this dad seeing his daughter. No one wants t do that. It's the pushing for her to spend so much time away from the mom. Any time away right now is not a good thing. She needs to be able to feed at will. That's just how it is at first for a while.
Mine couldn't be out of my sight. I was in a bad position with it though and have no experience with the actual length of time as I became very sick with chronic mastitis in their 3rd month and had to stop bf for one day and then there was nothing there the following day. It was devastating.
Everyone on our end is completely supportive of his involvement. Wouldn't have it any other way.
I am going to completely ignore the extended family, their comments, etc.
I really think it's the only way for these young parents to come to agreements. We have an attorney who has advised that they try and come up with a plan for visitation then we can formalize. They have not sought any legal advice at all. That much I do know.
No, the dad is not spending nights here. That's just not happening. I have other kids and still need to get up for work myself. I'm not 100% comfortable with people spending nights in my home while we go on with our normal life. He certainly can visit in the evenings, etc. I'm leaving it to them to work on it but I have put rules in place such as curfews.
I am hopeful that the two of them will come up with a workable agreement. This baby has just been born and it's not going to be passed around from house to house already. It's not a healthy situation for the baby.
When the two of them agree on something, we will have it drawn up. I want this as amicable as possible. But I want it to be them that work this out. Not us and not his family. Just the parents of the baby.
After a very long day in which my daughter was already in labor when she got to the hospital, a beautiful 9 lb. 14 oz., 21 inch long baby girl was delivered via c section at 8:15 pm.
Congratulations to ALL...this is wonderful news!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
