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Well, you name me one state where a father is not legally allowed to spank his child, as described by OP. If she wants to take him to court then she is within her right to do so, but telling her to stop visitation is a path to contempt charge.
I'm quite anti-spanking myself, but being an absent father in the past doesn't change that he is an active father now, who has legal rights. And you know darn well that he knows this, if he is a lawyer himself.
In my dream world, it would be all 50 states. In the OP's case, unless the father has petitioned for visitation, and nowhere did she indicate that was the case, then yes, she should stop the access now, for her son's sake. Daddy seems to be on a power trip.
Well, you name me one state where a father is not legally allowed to spank his child, as described by OP. If she wants to take him to court then she is within her right to do so, but telling her to stop visitation is a path to contempt charge.
Contempt of what? There is no visitation order.
Quote:
I'm quite anti-spanking myself, but being an absent father in the past doesn't change that he is an active father now, who has legal rights. And you know darn well that he knows this, if he is a lawyer himself.
What legal rights? That is an excellent question for a lawyer.
Some people spank. Some don't. It's an issue on which there are strong feelings on both sides. Unfortunately, you have gotten into a situation where you created a child with a man without agreeing on parenting styles, without having a relationship that had been tested and shown to be built on mutual respect. This isn't to try to make you feel bad, but to point out that you're kind of stuck and you may need to come to accept the idea that there very possibly isn't a perfect answer you'll be thrilled with. Yes, you can try to go to court. But that comes with its own potential consequences too. It's not as if he's doing something where they would consider denying him visitation/shared custody. It's a parenting difference. And if it gets to the point of going to court and having a nasty battle, that may end up being tougher on everyone, including your son, and the result may be no different.
I also have to wonder how much of this perhaps not caused by, but is being exacerbated by, feelings of lack of control. You clearly feel that you should be in control of decisions about your son. Chances are he feels exactly the same way. One piece for you may have to be accepting that the man you made this child with (though it was not on purpose) will always be his parent. He may be feeling pretty defensive and irked over the idea that you would make all the decisions regarding your son, rather than it being a mutual, equal decision.
In my dream world, it would be all 50 states. In the OP's case, unless the father has petitioned for visitation, and nowhere did she indicate that was the case, then yes, she should stop the access now, for her son's sake. Daddy seems to be on a power trip.
In addition, actually, the OP as the full custodial mother *can* stipulate in the visitation agreement that there be no spanking. So the OP needs to get started on the legal aspects.
OP, you state you get child support... is that court-ordered child support, or is the ex being a decent person? Is there a formal visitation agreement/order? You didn't clarify in your original post.
We didn't go through the courts. His name was put on the birth certificate. He wanted a DNA test before anything was arranged and I complied. I expected no financial support and initially turned him down, but he said it was his child and even though he wasn't interested in having a relationship with our kiddo he said he would still provide child support.
He drew up a monthly plan, we agreed upon a sum and it was documented. That's it.
Some people spank. Some don't. It's an issue on which there are strong feelings on both sides. Unfortunately, you have gotten into a situation where you created a child with a man without agreeing on parenting styles, without having a relationship that had been tested and shown to be built on mutual respect. This isn't to try to make you feel bad, but to point out that you're kind of stuck and you may need to come to accept the idea that there very possibly isn't a perfect answer you'll be thrilled with. Yes, you can try to go to court. But that comes with its own potential consequences too. It's not as if he's doing something where they would consider denying him visitation/shared custody. It's a parenting difference. And if it gets to the point of going to court and having a nasty battle, that may end up being tougher on everyone, including your son, and the result may be no different.
I also have to wonder how much of this perhaps not caused by, but is being exacerbated by, feelings of lack of control. You clearly feel that you should be in control of decisions about your son. Chances are he feels exactly the same way. One piece for you may have to be accepting that the man you made this child with (though it was not on purpose) will always be his parent. He may be feeling pretty defensive and irked over the idea that you would make all the decisions regarding your son, rather than it being a mutual, equal decision.
I'm honestly trying not to let it be about control... I mean, I feel betrayed that my ex would use physical discipline like that without asking me, but that's less about me being controlling and me looking out for DS. He's sensitive and he honestly doesn't understand why what happened occurred, though ex "claims" he was nice and explained to him why he was getting punished.
This all comes along at a terrible time. DS is in a program at school where real life lessons and issues are explained to kids (People passing away, divorce, Stranger danger, etc) and their recent unit was on violence. He really enjoyed the unit because they learned a song about hands "Hands are for touching.. Hands are for loving. Hands are for high fives. We don't hit with our hands!" Anyway, it's a cute little jingle and DS loved it and we actually talked about how hands should only be used lovingly...
I want my son to know his father but I also do not want him to feel violated or confused. I really mean that.
Well, you name me one state where a father is not legally allowed to spank his child, as described by OP. If she wants to take him to court then she is within her right to do so, but telling her to stop visitation is a path to contempt charge.
I'm quite anti-spanking myself, but being an absent father in the past doesn't change that he is an active father now, who has legal rights. And you know darn well that he knows this, if he is a lawyer himself.
The funny part is that when I have had question regarding the law I have always texted him. When he contacted me this last time about seeing DS I scrolled up on my phone to see when the hell was the last time we even spoke. The last one was ten months before that and I had asked him for legal advice. Lol.
The funny part is that when I have had question regarding the law I have always texted him. When he contacted me this last time about seeing DS I scrolled up on my phone to see when the hell was the last time we even spoke. The last one was ten months before that and I had asked him for legal advice. Lol.
Do you realize you are handing your son over to a man who is a virtual stranger? A man who didn't even want him to be born?
Time to throw out the hippy flower-power and pull up the ADULT WOMAN AND MOTHER pants until your eyeballs bulge out and go see a lawyer (not this guy and not one of his friends) so your SON is protected and everything is legal. And leave the lol attitude at home. You have responsibilities to a human being who is just a little kid and who is facing a less than ideal life-circumstance.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 02-13-2014 at 07:04 PM..
OP, since you two have an agreement...I know nothing how the one you have with him would hold up, but you should seek legal advice as to whether or not you can keep your son away until something formal and legal is arranged. As someone said earlier, you can make a no-spanking rule part of the agreement.
Do you realize you are handing your son over to a man who is a virtual stranger? A man who didn't even want him to be born?
Time to throw out the hippy flower-power and pull up the ADULT WOMAN AND MOTHER pants until your eyeballs bulge out and go see a lawyer (not this guy and not one of his friends) so your SON is protected and everything is legal. And leave the lol attitude at home. You have responsibilities to a human being who was conceived because you decided hooking up was a good idea.
He's not a stranger to me. To DS, but not to me.
Hooking up was a good idea. Hey, I got DS.
Ex is his father. I got excited for my son's sake when his dad wanted to spend time with him. We took it slow and DS was happy. I realize now that it was rushed and a mistake on my part. I made my decision based on how it worked out in the past; how we were able to agree without involving the courts last time.
I'm going to see a lawyer.
Sorry for saying "lol".
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