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Whatever else, try to work things out between yourselves. Bringing lawyers, and especially the court, into the process is going to produce (expensive) results which neither of you (including junior) are going to like.
That is not to say if there is some heinous behavior going on, or Dad beasts son (spanking is fine--you know what I am talking about) or you are otherwise being extensively taken advantage of, then by all means get 'the law' involved.
But don't think any outsiders are going to generate satisfactory results. These are best achieved, and they likely won't be perfect (few things in life are) directly between yourselves.
Good luck. I divorced in large part of the issue how to discipline children. Not an easy space in which to work, especially given your circumstances.
I'm all for adults trying to work things out amicably, however, this involves a child. Since the father is an attorney, it is in the child's best interests to have legal representation.
I give the father credit for acknowledging his responsibility,and paying support, as well as attempting to get to know his son. However, he is not in a position to impose discipline. He is a stranger at this point. Imagine how confused this little boy must be after his mother tells him he is going to have something he wants, ie:a father, and then that man turns out to be not the football throwing superhero the child envisions, but a spanker who imposes a completely new set of rules.
Where there is discipline, there must be trust. I doubt this boy trusts anybody in his life right now.
I'd tell your ex that you are backing off the visits for now. I'd explain that it's nothing personal and that you do want him in the child's life. But right now, it's in the child's best interest to slow things down even more. Tell him some issues are starting to crop up that need to be nipped in the bud. Explain that your son really got his feelings hurt and that he needs his space to work through it. Spanking or no spanking, discipline needs to be consistent. Changing course at five years isn't helpful at all. Heck, your ex might even understand.
We didn't go through the courts. His name was put on the birth certificate. He wanted a DNA test before anything was arranged and I complied. I expected no financial support and initially turned him down, but he said it was his child and even though he wasn't interested in having a relationship with our kiddo he said he would still provide child support.
He drew up a monthly plan, we agreed upon a sum and it was documented. That's it.
Too bad...cause after all that it IS his child too.
I disagree with his discipline of the boy, and other than feeling the pain of knowing your poor son is at his mercy, I doubt there's anything you can do to change it.
He will certainly succeed in making his son Hate him.....and he'll probably even wonder why?..Most beaters of children do..either that or put them down and call them sissies when they cry.
I wish I had something better to say for you, but even if you went for full time custody, your EX isn't gonna give his up. Not now....I feel sorry for the boy, but he'll learn soon enough that dad's a mean sucker and ain't nothing can change it.
All you can really do is enforce rules the way you do at your own house and as long as your ex is not mistreating your kid in some way, let him have his own rules.
Normally DS is a great kid. For the most part he is very quiet. He'll talk, but mostly he keeps to himself. He has never been a discipline problem, but he is forgetful and tends to lose things. No, I do not think he does it maliciously. We put his HW in his bag before school yet somehow it ends up never getting there.
Recently, ex picked up DS from school since it was his weekend. In his conduct folder his teacher wrote that DS had forgotten his hw two times that week.
To OP:
Read what you have written here.
"We put his HW in his bag before school, yet somehow it ends up never getting there."
Ask yourself the Dilbert question (Occam's Razor, in layman): What is more likely?
Is it more likely:
A. Your child's backpack disappears into a vortex where alien's remove his homework.
B. Your child, who admittedly behaves well, is pulling his homework out and destroying it. Then lying.
C. Your child, is being attacked by bullies that steal his homework, but apparently have not physical hurt him.
D. The teacher is not organized and lost your son's homework.
I'm going to go with D. When I was a child, I was repeatedly blamed for losing my homework. I had ADHD, so it seemed reasonable to my parents. However, I swore that I turned it in. My parents took what I believe to be the correct approach. They photocopied my homework, keeping two copies. They gave me the original to turn in. They took me to school, and put the homework in a very clear spot. Then they waited while I went in to class and handed in my homework. Then they waited. Within a couple days, the teacher sent home another notice that I had not turned in my homework. Since my parents had watched me take it in every day, they knew who was at fault. They informed the teacher they had the photocopies and would hand deliver each "lost" assignment to her, until she could learn how to organize her materials.
Your kid might be losing the homework, but I'd say it's a ten or twenty percent chance at most. By far the most likely thing is the teacher losing it.
In regards to the spanking. He is your child. The man is a sperm donor. I don't say that about a man that is in the child's life regularly and lovingly. He wasn't there for five years. A check isn't being there, a check is honoring his legal obligation. As a lawyer, he might get joint custody, but it's unlikely. If your son is allowed to testify: "I don't know this man. He hurts me. Please don't make me live with him. I love my mommy." the case is pretty much over.
In closing: Your child is being taught a terrible lesson. He is being taught that adults he doesn't know can come into his life, be friendly, then strike him. He is being taught that he can be punished for a mistake someone else made. This destroys his trust in authority, and teaches him a very bad lesson about how to exert control.
"We put his HW in his bag before school, yet somehow it ends up never getting there."
Ask yourself the Dilbert question (Occam's Razor, in layman): What is more likely?
Is it more likely:
A. Your child's backpack disappears into a vortex where alien's remove his homework.
B. Your child, who admittedly behaves well, is pulling his homework out and destroying it. Then lying.
C. Your child, is being attacked by bullies that steal his homework, but apparently have not physical hurt him.
D. The teacher is not organized and lost your son's homework.
I'm going to go with D. When I was a child, I was repeatedly blamed for losing my homework. I had ADHD, so it seemed reasonable to my parents. However, I swore that I turned it in. My parents took what I believe to be the correct approach. They photocopied my homework, keeping two copies. They gave me the original to turn in. They took me to school, and put the homework in a very clear spot. Then they waited while I went in to class and handed in my homework. Then they waited. Within a couple days, the teacher sent home another notice that I had not turned in my homework. Since my parents had watched me take it in every day, they knew who was at fault. They informed the teacher they had the photocopies and would hand deliver each "lost" assignment to her, until she could learn how to organize her materials.
Your kid might be losing the homework, but I'd say it's a ten or twenty percent chance at most. By far the most likely thing is the teacher losing it.
In regards to the spanking. He is your child. The man is a sperm donor. I don't say that about a man that is in the child's life regularly and lovingly. He wasn't there for five years. A check isn't being there, a check is honoring his legal obligation. As a lawyer, he might get joint custody, but it's unlikely. If your son is allowed to testify: "I don't know this man. He hurts me. Please don't make me live with him. I love my mommy." the case is pretty much over.
In closing: Your child is being taught a terrible lesson. He is being taught that adults he doesn't know can come into his life, be friendly, then strike him. He is being taught that he can be punished for a mistake someone else made. This destroys his trust in authority, and teaches him a very bad lesson about how to exert control.
I'm only going to address the lost homework statement.
I strongly, strongly disagree with the bolded statement. lurtsman, although it is possible that your specific teacher lost your homework, I believe that it is extremely inaccurate to assume that 80 to 90% of the homework that is lost by a young child is actually lost by their teacher. Where in the world did you come up with those statistics?
It is actually quite easy for 5 year olds to lose their homework even in the few feet between their backpack & the classroom. I have seen it happen numerous times---and it was lost by the child and not the teacher. Many teachers even have "tricks" to help the children be successful. Many schools now use folders (some with special flaps or tabs) or plastic envelopes (that seal shut) so that the papers are not loose in the backpack nor can accidently fall out. Several kindergarten teachers that I know have the children stand by the backpack and remove the folders and place them directly into the hands of the teacher. Other teachers have the children carry the folders and put them directly into a bin right inside the classroom door.
As kindergarten progresses or in first grade the teachers allow the children to have more responsibility in putting the notes and papers in the correct place (generally as close to their school bags as possible).
I hope you talk to him, maybe even bring in a third party counselor so you and him can discuss that coming in 5 years later doesn't mean he automatically gets to change how your son is raised. Your son is now hurting and thinks his dad doesn't like him- why? Because most likely it wasn't even EXPLAINED to your son WHY he was being spanked. This can be really damaging and instead your ex should have talked to him about the importance of NOT losing his hw, OR called you and let you know so YOU could handle it.
I agree at this point to stop visitation and work out these things, and eventually have your ex tell his son he loves him very much and is sorry the spanking made him think he didn't. For goodness sake losing your hw is nothing to be spanked about IMO.
I hope you talk to him, maybe even bring in a third party counselor so you and him can discuss that coming in 5 years later doesn't mean he automatically gets to change how your son is raised. Your son is now hurting and thinks his dad doesn't like him- why? Because most likely it wasn't even EXPLAINED to your son WHY he was being spanked. This can be really damaging and instead your ex should have talked to him about the importance of NOT losing his hw, OR called you and let you know so YOU could handle it.
I agree at this point to stop visitation and work out these things, and eventually have your ex tell his son he loves him very much and is sorry the spanking made him think he didn't. For goodness sake losing your hw is nothing to be spanked about IMO.
That's how I felt.
I appreciate all the concern over my son's homework, but it's not really an issue anymore. He wasn't throwing it away on purpose and the teacher wasn't losing it. At first, DS would just accidentally lose it or he would misplace it in his backpack. Really though, the problem was that he would have his homework but kept forgetting to turn it and put it in the daily homework folder in front of the classroom. His teacher tries to give him an extra reminder and normally that would be all he needed. Soon he got into the routine without her having to remind him. Sometimes she would forget too, which is normal since she is responsible for a large group of kids.
I'd tell your ex that you are backing off the visits for now. I'd explain that it's nothing personal and that you do want him in the child's life. But right now, it's in the child's best interest to slow things down even more. Tell him some issues are starting to crop up that need to be nipped in the bud. Explain that your son really got his feelings hurt and that he needs his space to work through it. Spanking or no spanking, discipline needs to be consistent. Changing course at five years isn't helpful at all. Heck, your ex might even understand.
I am, which stinks considering how well things were going. Ex was even planning on coming with us next month on our Disney World trip. That's how great we were all reconnecting. I was naive in my thinking.
When I spoke to Ex about the situation he said he just didn't want our son to be slacking off in school. When DS relapsed, then forgot to turn in his hw the next week after he had discussed it with him, Ex saw it as defiance/disobedience so that's why he spanked him. The problem is that DS was not doing it to be defiant, he is just simply forgetful. I was at his age and still am now. My dad is forgetful too. We chalk it up to it being a family trait. I do what I can to help my son be successful, which is why I had him on a plan.
Ex worries about how I raise DS. We're opposites in a lot of ways. When I first found out I was pregnant I went and had a reading of DS past lives. I had a doula and my spiritual advisor at his birth. When I initially announced my pregnancy, his response was, "You're really not mother material. Both of us would mess this kid up." At the time, I knew this was his anger talking and his hope that his harsh words would make me consider an abortion.
Since we have reunited he has given me some credit, but I know he still wishes the situation were different. We need to put our differences aside and let go of the fact that we just aren't the people we want each other to be. Easier said than done.
This. The ex knows all sorts of things the OP doesn't know. Including what has been going on in his life the five years he didn't want any contact with his son. I'd be finding out if/how many other kids the Hook Up has out there. And make sure my child's $upport was in writing, and legally binding. If this guy was sleeping with multiple women when the OP was meeting him there's a real good chance this child has half siblings.
I urge you to find that out OP. The last thing your son needs is to come back after a visit and say, "I met my brother today. Did you know I had a brother?" Never mind the chance of him meeting Dad's girlfriends. One by one. If he was hooking up with multiple women five years ago I'd guess he still is today. Be smart, OP. Find out what's going on so you can prepare your son and protect him from surprises. And he deserves to have his financial share of the pie secured by the courts in case this guy has other kids.
Jaded is right. The ex is pulling all the strings. An attorney needs to be seen.... pronto.
An attorney is happening, but I am extremely skeptical of some of the possibilities that you and Jaded have raised.
-I doubt very seriously ex has other children. He got snipped soon after DS was born that way "nothing like that could happen again". I could be wrong, but I honestly do not think so. We have several mutual close friends and I would have heard about it. If he did have other spawn out there, I honestly wouldn't care, though there would be a time and a place to bring it up and certainly before introducing DS to someone new.
-Child support. I won't disclose an amount, but I get a hefty amount. Way more than I am comfortable with. Why ex would hide his assets or form a custody scheme to not pay me, it just seems OOC and farfetched. He knows he could be paying me 12x less than what he does now and I would still approve of the amount. DS has a trust fund, college fund, etc. Ex and I both come from wealthy backgrounds, so money isn't an issue here. Of course, nothing is impossible so I will look into it because if he has an agenda, I want to know what it is.
I spoke to one of my dad's lawyers and he has recommended me several. We will see how it goes.
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