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Personally, I feel your ex's position on this is very reasonable. There are different ways to run a household. As far as spanking is on one end of the spectrum, to have no set rules about bedtime or eating and have the 5-year-old in charge is (IMHO) equally far on the other end of the spectrum. I wonder if maybe BOTH of you need to come towards the middle a little more, and if in agreeing to do so, you both would be willing to give up one of the things that the other parent dislikes (the spanking for you, the complete lack of rules for him.)
I think it might ultimately be more confusing for DS to have one set of rules (no rules) at one house, and a strict set of rules including spanking at the other. That's swinging wildly to both extremes, where you might find it would be easier on DS in the long run if the two of you both agreed to compromise and standardize the rules in both your houses. And I wonder if you approached your ex and said, "You know I was thinking a lot about what you said, and I think you're right. Structure is important too. Why don't we talk about some areas we can do that," and then agreed to have a little more structure in both houses, if you then wouldn't find he would be willing to talk about a consistent way of discipline with no spanking. I think that even in situations where the parents are married or in a relationship, you run into differences in approach. When one parent is too "loose" in the rules, sometimes the other overcorrects and is too much "the heavy" in an attempt to make up for what the other parent isn't doing. And the same thing happens in reverse. One parent is too strict, so the other goes wild.
While I know the unstructured household is your preference, would it not be worth the headache in the long run to give that up if it meant you both also agreed not to spank? Sometimes there is not a perfect solution and you have to find the best of the imperfect compromises both can live with.
I'm laid back. So is DS. What his father doesn't understand is that DS isn't some out of control brat. We don't have a routine at home because I'm not that type of person. For instance, dinner time rolls around. I'll say, "I'm in the mood for (blank). Does that sound good? What do you feel like?". I'll cook dinner or we order out and when it's ready I say, "Want to eat now or after (whatever he is preoccupied with)?" Normally he'll eat then but sometimes he waits. No big deal. Same with bedtime. I'll ask, "Are you sleepy or do you want to stay up and I'll read to you" or put on a movie or practice the harp. He chooses and sleeps when he is tired. No tantrums or anything. It's just always been the two of us and we don't have a set routine.
At his father's it is quite different. My ex gets the food and wants him to eat it right then. He puts him to bed by 7:30 and when DS doesn't fall asleep my ex gets upset and sees it as DS isn't obeying him. DS gets back up to find his daddy and to see what he's doing. He's just used to how it is at our house.
I do worry about it being confusing. I don't want to give up how I'm trying to raise DS. Ex wants total control and structure. I don't. My spiritual advisor and some friends of mine visited the house recently and they could feel all the tension. I feel it too. Even the music DS and I play together hasn't been the same. It's been hard.
For now, ex has said he won't spank. We discussed it and I used some ideas from advice I got here to point out why it was a bad idea.
He still thinks I'm nutty and I still feel like has control issues but we are trying to respect each other and come up with a plan.
Seeing a lawyer. Discussing parenting with my ex. He's promised to stop spanking and I had him sign a little something that said he wouldn't.
YES! Bingo!
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Originally Posted by kitkatbar
I mean, I think it's more an issue of "this is where we are." There's really no choice but for the OP to try to make the best of a situation that is not perfect and not going to be perfect, but that is reality. She and the ex are very different people. They didn't have a relationship but they chose to have sex. A baby resulted and this is his father. Legally, I don't think she's going to have the grounds to make all the decisions. He's the kid's parent too. If they can come to an agreement amicably and find a common position somewhere in the middle, they may have a better shot at making this workable. If she alienates the ex by trying to force him this way or that, then he gets joint custody or court-ordered visitation, well, she's going to have next to no control over what goes on when the boy is at his house.
And I respectfully disagree with your posts. One does not get to cut a father out of a child's life just because a less than thoughtful decision was made by both parties at the child's conception. And let's face it, that's what happened here. They were both (OP included) just thinking about sex and an accidental pregnancy occurred. Now they have to co-parent. It is what it is and personally, I'm not so sure that if they went to court the OP would look any better in the eyes of the judge than the father. They were both having casual sex, no relationship. He's a little on the rigid side with the spanking. She bristles at the idea of set bedtimes or mealtimes. I kind of worry on the OP's behalf that if they went to court, it would NOT turn out as she might hope, which is why I think it's good that they've been able to work something out. Hopefully they both continue to be open to compromise and discussion or they will both (and especially the innocent child caught between two extremes in parenting) be in for a long road ahead.
And I respectfully disagree with your posts. One does not get to cut a father out of a child's life just because a less than thoughtful decision was made by both parties at the child's conception. And let's face it, that's what happened here. They were both (OP included) just thinking about sex and an accidental pregnancy occurred. Now they have to co-parent. It is what it is and personally, I'm not so sure that if they went to court the OP would look any better in the eyes of the judge than the father. They were both having casual sex, no relationship. He's a little on the rigid side with the spanking. She bristles at the idea of set bedtimes or mealtimes. I kind of worry on the OP's behalf that if they went to court, it would NOT turn out as she might hope, which is why I think it's good that they've been able to work something out. Hopefully they both continue to be open to compromise and discussion or they will both (and especially the innocent child caught between two extremes in parenting) be in for a long road ahead.
You're putting more drama into this situation than necessary. The OP has already gone to speak with a lawyer, s/he will direct her as to what will "most likely" occur in court. That's what matters here.
She's not trying to cut him out of the child's life, and neither are any of us who feel his contact should be limited. They have no formal agreement with the courts with regard to custody, child support, etc. Re-read the OP and her subsequent updates on the situation.
Actually, one does get to cut the father OR mother out of a child's life "because a less than thoughtful decision was made by both parties at the child's conception"...happens everyday in family courts around the country. What's the determining factor? The safety of the child and who has demonstrated primary care for the child. The OP will not lose her child here nor will she have her custody challenged by a judge; so spare the scare tactics, they are baseless.
He was not in this child's life for the first five years of life and even prior to the child being born; he wanted her to abort the child. He hates children, and never wanted any. He doesn't get to have an epiphany moment and decide to "be in his child's life" at the expense of and to the detriment of HER son's well-being. Sorry, he doesn't have as many rights as you profess. I'm glad the OP is speaking with a lawyer about this situation.
I think the whole thing moved too fast. It just doesn't seem like the OP knows the father that well in the first place. This man that fathered the child seemed to hate children just 5 years ago and now is spanking the child over homework. I support spanking but not in this case, over homework! Mother states it hurt his feelings more than his bottom. Mother wasn't there. Some really bad things could be happening and the child would be truly afraid. I had a similar problem with my ex-husband and my older son and solved it by moving several states away. Protecting my children was always my first priority and deciding what is best for them. Stepping into a child's life after 5 years, ah, something doesn't sit right. OP needs a lawyer and a family counselor.
Actually, one does get to cut the father OR mother out of a child's life "because a less than thoughtful decision was made by both parties at the child's conception"...happens everyday in family courts around the country. What's the determining factor? The safety of the child and who has demonstrated primary care for the child.
My concern with this argument is that the safety of the child is not at issue. It is a disagreement in how to discipline. Spanking (whether or not I or you or anyone else disagrees with its use as being a great parenting technique) is not illegal.
We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one because I worry that if the OP attempts to go in front of a judge with the argument of...
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When we discussed this a few weeks ago he said, "I think we need to be more structured. He needs to understand that when I say it's time to eat we eat and when I say it's time for him to go to bed, he needs to go to bed." Well, that all sounds great in theory but kiddo is used to our routine at home. I'm pretty lax. He eats when he's hungry and goes to bed when he's sleepy. We just don't have a set schedule around here.
...her ex is not the one who's going to appear unreasonable. Most families have set mealtimes and do not allow a five-year-old to choose his own bedtime. The OP is a bit unusual in that regard and people who go to law school and become lawyers and then judges don't generally tend to be the free flowing type.
It may very well not turn out the way she's hoping and having a contentious relationship with the ex (a likely result of taking them to court) will make things harder on her son. I think the OP was wise to decide to try talking about it first. There's a fair chance if she'll ease up on her position, and he'll ease up on his, a compromise can be found. The post below sounds like they're on the right track to do that.
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Seeing a lawyer. Discussing parenting with my ex. He's promised to stop spanking and I had him sign a little something that said he wouldn't. Obviously nothing legal. We both sat down and wrote a list of things that pertained to our son. Then we talked and wrote out rules about him and us.
I think the whole thing moved too fast. It just doesn't seem like the OP knows the father that well in the first place. This man that fathered the child seemed to hate children just 5 years ago and now is spanking the child over homework. I support spanking but not in this case, over homework! Mother states it hurt his feelings more than his bottom. Mother wasn't there. Some really bad things could be happening and the child would be truly afraid. I had a similar problem with my ex-husband and my older son and solved it by moving several states away. Protecting my children was always my first priority and deciding what is best for them. Stepping into a child's life after 5 years, ah, something doesn't sit right. OP needs a lawyer and a family counselor.
Exactly the point many of us here are making too. I agree. He admitted to spanking...but I bet there is some psychological abuse going on too.
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