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If he did have other spawn out there, I honestly wouldn't care, ...........
.........I spoke to one of my dad's lawyers and he has recommended me several. We will see how it goes.
So children are "spawn", you wouldn't care if your son had half siblings, your dad has multiple lawyers yet you let Hook Up Guy draw up the child support papers and everyone has a TON of money.
Never heard a hippie call a child "spawn", BTW. That's a first.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 02-16-2014 at 11:10 AM..
So children are "spawn", you wouldn't care if your son had half siblings, your dad has multiple lawyers yet you let Hook Up Guy draw up the child support papers and everyone has a TON of money.
Never heard a hippie call a child "spawn", BTW. That's a first.
I'm not a "hippy", it's just the username I chose because I was trying to come up with something easy to remember and without a bunch of numbers after it.
I haven't ever had to deal with lawyers. My family has a few, but I do not. I'm sort of the black sheep of the family and I try not to trouble them for help but this is bigger than me so I asked for advice from my father. Not to get all into family issues but we don't really get along. My son and I live in a separate state and we have each other.
I meant "care" as in I wouldn't be angry if my ex had other children. I would think it irresponsible but it is his life and if he did that would be his business. However, I would not want my son part of any impromptu visits with any half siblings without me being informed. Plus it would confuse our kid.
No, children are not "spawn"- I wrote that sarcastically at the idea of my ex having more kids running around. I didn't realize certain posters such as yourself would give me a hard time about it.
Yes, I let him handle the child support issue. That's how it got resolved. Neither one of us are billionaires. The point I was trying to make was that I don't think he is trying to gain anything financially by asking to see and become more involved with DS. The more I look into though, the more I realize that I don't know his motivation other than what he has told me. I suspect his parents might have something to do with it but who knows.
Anyway this all has nothing to do with child support but more about joint parenting.
Last edited by Frustrated Hippy; 02-16-2014 at 01:00 PM..
I am, which stinks considering how well things were going. Ex was even planning on coming with us next month on our Disney World trip. That's how great we were all reconnecting. I was naive in my thinking.
When I spoke to Ex about the situation he said he just didn't want our son to be slacking off in school. When DS relapsed, then forgot to turn in his hw the next week after he had discussed it with him, Ex saw it as defiance/disobedience so that's why he spanked him. The problem is that DS was not doing it to be defiant, he is just simply forgetful. I was at his age and still am now. My dad is forgetful too. We chalk it up to it being a family trait. I do what I can to help my son be successful, which is why I had him on a plan.
Ex worries about how I raise DS. We're opposites in a lot of ways. When I first found out I was pregnant I went and had a reading of DS past lives. I had a doula and my spiritual advisor at his birth. When I initially announced my pregnancy, his response was, "You're really not mother material. Both of us would mess this kid up." At the time, I knew this was his anger talking and his hope that his harsh words would make me consider an abortion.
Since we have reunited he has given me some credit, but I know he still wishes the situation were different. We need to put our differences aside and let go of the fact that we just aren't the people we want each other to be. Easier said than done.
I mean, I wouldn't let this get TOO far off course if overall it seems to have some good points. There are some on here who are quick to turn this guy into the devil for spanking. What I'm reading is two people who have differing views on parenting, one person who may not have experience knowing what is appropriate, and another person who may not be the most effective communicator in coming together with a co-parenting plan. If this guy has been overall generous financially, has demonstrated he wants a relationship with DS (which he has), and generally is a decent guy (which I see no indication he isn't), I would be hesitant to turn the whole thing into WW3 without making the effort to have a conversation first where both parties listen and try to consider the position of the other.
It is possible (in fact, it sounds extremely likely that) you two are just both on extreme ends of the spectrum in terms of parenting style. You had a spiritual advisor at the birth and got a reading of his past lives. There's nothing wrong with either of those things, but they are kind of on the crunchy granola end of the spectrum (I say that with all kindness.) He spanks over homework being forgotten, which is kind of on the too militaristic side of the spectrum. Kind of sounds like you and the ex were an "opposites attract" sort of situation.
In any case, there is the possibility that the two of you, in combination, could actually be very good for DS if you were both willing to adjust a little to the other person's ways. You said in another post that DS doesn't really require much/any discipline. Maybe that's a little too soft and isn't giving enough structure. Clearly ex's discipline is a little too harsh. I wonder what would happen if you two met in the middle? Would it be possible to sit down and talk through a joint parenting plan that involved what consequence would be applied evenly in both homes for forgotten homework? Maybe a lost privilege for forgetting it teamed up with a small reward every time the task is completed correctly? I suggest this simply because I've seen instances even among married/partnered co-parents where one parent being "good cop" and the other being "bad cop" kind of causes a problem that feeds off itself. Good cop overindulges to compensate for bad cop. Bad cop overdoes it because they're not getting support and they feel like they have to parent for two people. Finding consistency is key, and that's something that a court really isn't going to be able to help you with.
This isn't to say you guys shouldn't go to court and get a custody plan ironed out... just that it's possible you will both spend a lot of money on this and not really see any difference in the custody situation... and then be trying to co-parent with very hostile feelings.
I would suggest that maybe you and the ex sit down and talk first, to see if you can come up with a shared parenting plan. If you still want to go to court to establish regular joint custody after that, I wonder if it wouldn't make the situation more agreeable if you could present it to him as, "I just want to go ahead and get this ironed out officially now that we've established a start to things," rather than him being surprised with a subpoena.
All the hand-wringing of all the anti-spanking does not alter the simple fact that spanking is legal. OP can delay an alteration in custody, and possibly thereby give up any leverage she has with the dad, but she will lose in the end.
Last edited by Jaded; 02-18-2014 at 02:05 PM..
Reason: removed inappropriate comment
I'm glad you're seeing a lawyer. In my state (NC), any custody disputes have to go through mediation first; they try to find common ground and a legal agreement without going through the court system. I hated the idea of that, having seen how my ex's lawyer went for my jugular without putting our son's wellbeing first, but it ended up being a very, very good thing. Our agreement stated "no corporal punishment", and it was made clear that should either of us violate that, the visits would be supervised after that for a certain length of time. I pushed for that, and his dad was willing to sign it, in order to not go to court.
Spanking isn't "just" another way of disciplining, it IS damaging, and while you will certainly have to give up some control of how your ex parents in his home, I believe "no spanking" is something you can insist on, and a good mediator will help you guys work that out.
If you talk more with your ex about it, ask if he'd be willing to find resources to give him other tools to use; some parents spank because they were spanked, and don't really know of alternatives. He might be willing to learn some things, take classes, etc.
Your original question is, "How can my ex and I agree on discipline?"; it's possible you won't, ever. It's so hard to give up that control, but I think your son having a relationship with his Dad (and, yes, he IS his father, jeez, people) trumps most things you might disagree on.
While it will certainly help to consider all the reasons your ex might be back (a lawyer will help you be aware of more nefarious possibilities), it sounds like you're pretty confident he's back because he wants to be, and wants a relationship with his son. That's a very, very good thing, even if he's a less-than-stellar parent.
OK, my two cents.
I think it's great that your ex has a had a mental turnaround and he WANTS to be in his son's life. You want him there too. And your son wants him there. Now you just have to find a way to make it work. That will be a learning curve for everybody, but for the dad it's got to be the biggest and toughest. I don't see how it will work out if he's not willing to change his ways somewhat.
This guy has no idea about kids. He has to LEARN to be a parent. He has to see that it's not all about discipline. It's not all about the education. It's about love and other cheesy stuff He actually knows that already, in fact, as he wants to have a part of it. But he has to learn the flexibility and patience you need to bring up a kid. How to pick your battles. How not to sweat the small stuff. How kids are going to be kids. How forgotten homework is EXPECTED. How to remember that when he was small, he forgot his homework too and still grew up to be a functioning member of society.
I suggest you found a good parenting class and you both attend. He might be totally against it as there are men who absolutely will not admit they might be doing something wrong. May take some convincing.
Maybe I'm being totally naive. I'm not hoping that he will turn into soccer-coaching, boy scout leader dad. And there won't be some magic transformation into a happy family. You just want to get to a stage where you are ok with your boy hanging with his dad, and you're only ok if he's not going to have his head bitten off if he says one wrong word. If your ex is not a real jerk, you might get there.
Legally speaking, it is, and the OP needs to get that very clear before she initiates a fight that may alienate the dad and which she is likely to lose.
In addition, actually, the OP as the full custodial mother *can* stipulate in the visitation agreement that there be no spanking. So the OP needs to get started on the legal aspects.
This is correct. Get into see an attorney, yesterday...You not having a custody order leaves you very vulnerable. It may be on your side that this man has had no contact until recently....but, you as the primary parent have allowed the visitations now.
Plus...How well do you really personally know this man? He hasn't been in your life. I understand that you are trying to be reasonable and successfully co-parent....But, his attitude about children earlier in your "hook-up" has it gotten better...??
You are potentially in a tough position, depending upon this man reactions to you insisting no spanking. His calling to tell you he spanked your son...was that because he felt guilty....or was he lording it over you? What does your gut tell you?
This man can learn to use time outs, or other forms of discipline, specially since you told him not to spank. You might also check on whether spanking is acceptable in your area with CPS. if this man leaves any marks on your child, you could very well be answering for it. And, this is not the old spank or not to spank debate....it is just the way it is now in our society, hitting a child is not acceptable.
I'm also worried about your child losing his homework....maybe you need to walk him into class for a bit....just to help get him organized. Poor kid must be pretty confused by now.
This man can learn to use time outs, or other forms of discipline, specially since you told him not to spank. You might also check on whether spanking is acceptable in your area with CPS.
Um, CPS does not write the law, and they are not above the law, in any state.
Every U.S. state does allow parental spanking in some way, shape or form.
Um, CPS does not write the law, and they are not above the law, in any state.
Every U.S. state does allow parental spanking in some way, shape or form.
Except Delaware which passed a law banning inflicting pain when disciplining children in 2012, although some say this depends on how the law is interpreted.
The legislation, sponsored by Senate Majority Leader Patricia M. Blevins, redefines the term “physical injury” in the child abuse and neglect laws to broadly include any act that causes “pain.”
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He actually knows that already, in fact, as he wants to have a part of it. But he has to learn the flexibility and patience you need to bring up a kid. How to pick your battles. How not to sweat the small stuff. How kids are going to be kids. How forgotten homework is EXPECTED. How to remember that when he was small, he forgot his homework too and still grew up to be a functioning member of society.
