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This is my first post here. I am not a member on any sort of parenting board or website but I do occasionally browse CD. I stumbled upon this section and read a few of the discussions. People seem to give good advice on here so I thought I might see if someone could help me. Here's my situation:
Years ago I meet a guy on OkCupid. We start hooking up. He had other women and I knew that. We were never in a relationship, just hooking up. He was a person that never wanted kids and was adamantly against them. Funnily enough, looking back a bunch of his questions on his profile at the time talked about how much he hated "brats" and such. Lol. When asked how he felt about children he said, "I'd abort the next Einstein."
Then... I get pregnant. Yup, through condoms and Mirena. Long story short, I made the decision to keep the baby. I was in a good position financially and had wanted to be a mom.
Of course, he was pissed about me keeping. He kept asking me to terminate. Our hook up relationship or whatever it was, ended then and there.
I had our son, and even though my hook up had a strong distaste for children, he did right and paid child support. He let me know that beyond supporting our son financially, he had no interest in being a father or in continuing a relationship. I accepted his decision because I knew from the get-go that that sort of reaction was possible.
Five years later. Still getting support checks. I get the first text from my ex (I'll refer to him as that) in ten months. He says he wants to talk, which I agree to. We talk and he asks for the opportunity to see DS. I agree but first I try to see what his intentions are. He explains he wants to start seeing our kid and getting to know him. I say okay, and we started things off slow. DS was happy because he had never known his dad, and DS gravitates toward other males. I was happy that DS was getting to know his father. The situation was turning out pretty well.
Over the next few months we progress to sleepovers. DS going to his place and whatnot. Ex and I discuss custody and the possibility of shared in the future. We were both trying not to rush anything, but then my ex was in DS' life and there ya go.
Okay, sorry for the ton of backstory, but here's where I am having trouble:
Normally DS is a great kid. For the most part he is very quiet. He'll talk, but mostly he keeps to himself. He has never been a discipline problem, but he is forgetful and tends to lose things. No, I do not think he does it maliciously. We put his HW in his bag before school yet somehow it ends up never getting there.
Recently, ex picked up DS from school since it was his weekend. In his conduct folder his teacher wrote that DS had forgotten his hw two times that week. My ex spanks him and later texts me and asks if I believe in spanking. I say, no... and then I asked him why. He said last week he had talked to our son about losing his homework. That Friday he saw it happened not only once again but twice. So Ex spanked him. He also spanked him when DS asked why he had to go to bed at 7:30 on a Friday night.
So this angers me because I don't believe in spanking. I have never spanked DS. Ever. I never planned too. I don't want him to be spanked or hit or punished in that way. It would've different had I been swatting his butt since he were a toddler, but at six years old introducing that concept...there's no point. It has confused him.
Now I have no idea what to do. I am upset with ex because he refuses to hear me out on this issue. He thinks a "good strong pat on the ass" is okay when a kid needs it. I asked him how many times he popped DS for the conduct grade. He said about five times. Ugh. I got physically ill.
I'm not some evil witch... I want my kid to know and spend time with his father, but we don't agree on discipline so I am at a loss at what to do. Ex is a lawyer so I am sure he could get joint custody if he tried. But I feel like to co parent our son we need to be on the same page. Now DS doesn't even want to go over there....
I just want what's best for our son, regardless how I feel about his father. I really don't know what to do.
If you cannot convince dad, then you need to explain to your son that things are done differently at different homes. That's really all you can do I guess, he has the right to parent that way and you have the right to parent your way.
If you cannot convince dad, then you need to explain to your son that things are done differently at different homes. That's really all you can do I guess, he has the right to parent that way and you have the right to parent your way.
Oh hell no. It's been 5 yrs, and now the biological dad wants to get involved with raising his son, and disciplining in a manner the mother does not approve of? OP, I'd bank the child custody payments, and seek legal counsel. I understand you are facing a situation where the biological father is an attorney, and he won't have the same expenses, but your son is going to be the victim here.
A 5 yr old, being spanked over homework? Ridiculous. Stop the visitation, and let the school know the father has no legal rights to information at this point.
Oh hell no. It's been 5 yrs, and now the biological dad wants to get involved with raising his son, and disciplining in a manner the mother does not approve of? OP, I'd bank the child custody payments, and seek legal counsel. I understand you are facing a situation where the biological father is an attorney, and he won't have the same expenses, but your son is going to be the victim here.
A 5 yr old, being spanked over homework? Ridiculous. Stop the visitation, and let the school know the father has no legal rights to information at this point.
Oh hell no. It's been 5 yrs, and now the biological dad wants to get involved with raising his son, and disciplining in a manner the mother does not approve of? OP, I'd bank the child custody payments, and seek legal counsel. I understand you are facing a situation where the biological father is an attorney, and he won't have the same expenses, but your son is going to be the victim here.
A 5 yr old, being spanked over homework? Ridiculous. Stop the visitation, and let the school know the father has no legal rights to information at this point.
Do you understand that the father has the LEGAL RIGHT to parent his child the way he chooses? I don't agree with his methods, personally, but if she decided to just stop visitation over this? You bet lawyer dad will have her in court for contempt. What happened in the past is a shame, but that doesn't change our OP's unfortunate co-parenting reality.
Do you understand that the father has the LEGAL RIGHT to parent his child the way he chooses? I don't agree with his methods, personally, but if she decided to just stop visitation over this? You bet lawyer dad will have her in court for contempt. What happened in the past is a shame, but that doesn't change our OP's unfortunate co-parenting reality.
Depends on where they are and how they set it up. He may not even technically have legal rights to the son as some states required the unwed father to sign the Father Affidavit... and it doesn't sound like they even set up some legal agreement.
I have to agree with the other posters. He hasn't been in the boy's life before and already he's hitting him. OP should've suggested that the father to take parenting classes before progressing as quickly as they did. Especially given his children aversion, he's not going to operate the same as a father that's been with the kid(s) from the beginning. The father in this case is no different than... a mother's new boyfriend "disciplining" her kids.
Do you understand that the father has the LEGAL RIGHT to parent his child the way he chooses? I don't agree with his methods, personally, but if she decided to just stop visitation over this? You bet lawyer dad will have her in court for contempt. What happened in the past is a shame, but that doesn't change our OP's unfortunate co-parenting reality.
That is for the courts to decide. The OP owes it to her son to bring it before a judge.
That is for the courts to decide. The OP owes it to her son to bring it before a judge.
Well, you name me one state where a father is not legally allowed to spank his child, as described by OP. If she wants to take him to court then she is within her right to do so, but telling her to stop visitation is a path to contempt charge.
I'm quite anti-spanking myself, but being an absent father in the past doesn't change that he is an active father now, who has legal rights. And you know darn well that he knows this, if he is a lawyer himself.
OP, you state you get child support... is that court-ordered child support, or is the ex being a decent person? Is there a formal visitation agreement/order? You didn't clarify in your original post.
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