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There's a quote I really like from David Brooks, a newspaper columnist and author: "Life is best organized as a series of daring ventures from a secure base." Your wife is giving your boys that secure base. If they feel loved and cared for, especially when they are little like your boys, they take that secure feeling with them for the rest of their lives. It makes them more resilient when things do get hard for them. So let your wife give them love and support, which it sounds like she is good at, while you give them a role model of strength and challenge them to be their best, which it sounds like you will be good at. They will obey you out of respect, and obey her out of love. Best of both worlds.
I hope so, they always run up to her and don't let her go as soon as she gets home.
Normal for children that age, and has always been this way in a loving strong family. The OP seems to think little boys should be tough as he says. What would he rather have, children like he has which are normal small children, or ones that stood to attention afraid to get near their mother when she comes home. His wife sounds like a good mother, and the affection towards her is normal. As the don't run to father when he comes home with the same type of affection and love at there ages, it appears the problem is him, not the children.
We have 3 boys aged 6, 4 and 2. I believe my wife babies them too much. There's too much kissing, hugging and "I love you" for my taste to be honest. I'm afraid they will turn out girly and won't be able to deal with difficulties as the hard world hits them.
Everyone deserves a mother's love. I am not sure how you got the idea that love from their mother will make them "girly".
Research shows that a strong bond between boys and their mothers leads to boys who are less likely to do drugs, and have unprotected sex as teens. Boys who lack a secure bond to their mothers when they are young are more likely to be aggressive and hostile in their teens.
I don't think you can give hugs and kisses and I love you's to your kids too much. My mama was very much that way with both me and my brother. It's my greatest treasure from childhood. Wish I had her here with me now to give me all those hugs and kisses. I'm almost 60 and miss them terribly.
I know that respect and deference are out of fashion these days but I greatly appreciate it.
Respect and deference do not result from withheld affection and a parent's failure to express their feelings. I believe you are very confused and insecure. Perhaps you are jealous because your children don't run to you?
I've watched my very masculine cousin co-parent his very well-behaved children (who also excel academically, even at the age of 6) with his wife. Respect and deference come from firm limits, clearly outlined rules and expectations, accountability and the fostering of self-sufficiency. Withholding hugs and kisses and general affection or discouraging such things is just coldness. Coldness is not masculinity - it is a defect.
If you want to be a distant and stern father, fine, go for it. You'll have children who don't come to you when they make a mistake, that seek to hide their problems from you, that fear and resent you, while your wife tilts the other way to compensate for your lack of affection. They will never fully trust you.
If you want a close and loving relationship with your children and confident, well-adjusted children, you tell them your expectations and then you make sure they have what they need to meet those expectations. You give them fair consequences. Most of all, you invest yourself emotionally and express your affection and love rather than leaving them to guess at your feelings.
For someone who's worried about having "girly" sons (really, what the hell does that actually mean? Why not be more concerned with having happy and successful children?), you seem awfully terrified of a teensy weensy thing called vulnerability.
We have 3 boys aged 6, 4 and 2. I believe my wife babies them too much. There's too much kissing, hugging and "I love you" for my taste to be honest. I'm afraid they will turn out girly and won't be able to deal with difficulties as the hard world hits them.
I like to keep a fine line of respect and make them understand I'm not their "buddy".
Besides, I suggested we get a nanny to take care of the hard work (bathing, dressing, feeding, etc) and she says there's no way she'll let someone else do that job for her. I mean, she works and takes care of them at the same time, I thought she would appreciate the idea.
I'm afraid one day they won't respect her over excessive attention.
oh how will you deal with it if one them do turn out to be gay??? and it's not because of being girly from their mother who likes to kiss and hug them every now and then, but because of THEIR choice...just saying..
I know that respect and deference are out of fashion these days but I greatly appreciate it.
The way I look at it, a mother's job is to mother. She can't teach them to be men; that's on you. You can't tell her how to mother either... Afterall, what would you really know about it?
You can teach boys respect and deference without them being afraid of you and they are going to follow your example rather than your advice. Make sure you are being someone that you want them to be like and they will fall into line. The tricky part is that you also have to be someone that THEY want to be like, otherwise they will eventually spit the bit.
I am not going to berate you....so keep reading OP. I think this is a genuine fear of some fathers, and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't over react and don't become too harsh to "toughen" them up. It might be that your wife is overcompensating for what she sees as you being too hard on the boys. (I did this with my own child, until I talked with my husband about it.)
You need to talk with your wife in a calm and reasonable manner and explain your worries. Ask her if she is super affectionate with them because you are not. Tell her that you will be more demonstrative if she backs off a little.
I was always the first to give a hug, a treat, kiss, or an I love you. Once he started doing more of that, I did less and our child was happier. A happy and well adjusted child will be successful later in life.
You can teach them how to be a "man" and still show and receive love in a positive way.
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