What not to say to a woman who doesn't want kids (infant, parent)
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When I told my mother I never wanted to have children, she only said one thing----it hurt her feelings because it's what she chose to do with her life. I assured her I was personally thrilled she made the decision. My not wanting kids had nothing to do with not respecting people who did. I'm glad she didn't pressure me or say anything else.
Many people change their minds. I did. Being badgered by parents isn't going to make it happen. I don't understand why parents would push their children and say those things. People shouldn't be forced into parenting until they're ready. I think it's selfish for a parent to say those things to their kids because it's not fair to the children who are brought into the world due to prospective grandparent pressure.
The last thing I want is for my children to have children in the near future. If they never did, that would be fine with me too. I don't think one of them is emotionally equipped to be a parent. I've never said anything and I won't. Everyone evolves as they mature. Things could be different in the future. And it's not my decision to make for either of them. I keep all of my opinions about this to myself because I'm darn glad my mother kept them to herself.
My daughter was 19 when we adopted two infants. She was home the summer before her freshman year in college and was of immeasurable help to me. She came home often and saw how much work and expense kids are. She did not have the all- too -common and naive idea of what "having a baby to love" would entail. I think that reality helped her decide she just wasn't willing or wanting to have kids. She is very much a part of their lives today so she has two wonderful kids in her life.
I have a cousin who was 15 when her youngest brother was born and she got more than her share of child rearing responsibility. She said that was enough to convince her she did not want kids either. It is not too uncommon for girls who had younger kids to care for in their teen years to decide it's just not what they want. That can be a real eye opening experience.
I think a lot of the pressure people put on their kids to have children comes from feeling left out when their friends start talking about grandchildren and all they accomplish. I've had several friends admit that to me.
I think a lot of the pressure people put on their kids to have children comes from feeling left out when their friends start talking about grandchildren and all they accomplish. I've had several friends admit that to me.
That wouldn't phase me. Maybe that's why I became close friends with the new college grad at work instead of the grandmother who was always showing everyone pictures of her grandchildren. I did NOT care to see constant pictures of her grandchildren because I didn't even know them. Constantly talking about grandchildren is like talking about cats and dogs. I keep my cat and dog talk to City Data and spare my friends.
My daughter was 19 when we adopted two infants. She was home the summer before her freshman year in college and was of immeasurable help to me. She came home often and saw how much work and expense kids are. She did not have the all- too -common and naive idea of what "having a baby to love" would entail. I think that reality helped her decide she just wasn't willing or wanting to have kids. She is very much a part of their lives today so she has two wonderful kids in her life.
I have a cousin who was 15 when her youngest brother was born and she got more than her share of child rearing responsibility. She said that was enough to convince her she did not want kids either. It is not too uncommon for girls who had younger kids to care for in their teen years to decide it's just not what they want. That can be a real eye opening experience.
But what does that say about having kids, in general? While I would never try to pressure anyone (and I have two grown daughters) to say that raising kids is all drudgery is not appropriate, IMO. A couple of days ago we were talking at work about doing "kid" type things when we don't have kids any more, like going to the pumpkin patch, which a group of us did this past fall. There was no one in the group under 26, and several over 60. I said that we weren't married that long when we had kids, we started doing kid things early in our marriage and we like to do them.
I do think a reality check is good for kids, that child-rearing is a lot of work, and not all fun, but don't negate the fun part!
But what does that say about having kids, in general? While I would never try to pressure anyone (and I have two grown daughters) to say that raising kids is all drudgery is not appropriate, IMO. !
Who said raising kids is all drudgery? Certainly not me. DH and I were 55 and 63 when we adopted again so obviously we didn't need any convincing. But to a 19 year old or somebody who feels like they would be missing a great deal of "carefree' life it certainly can look like it.
They enjoy traveling and vacation constantly. Sometimes up to 5 vacations a year in addition to many weekend excisions. She won't regret a minute of it. People need to back off and stop pressuring others.
Please tell us what kind of job these people have that gives them the option and income to have 5 vacations a year.
Who said raising kids is all drudgery? Certainly not me. DH and I were 55 and 63 when we adopted again so obviously we didn't need any convincing. But to a 19 year old or somebody who feels like they would be missing a great deal of "carefree' life it certainly can look like it.
You kind of said that in your previous post, "how much work and expense kids are"; "more than her share of child rearing responsibility. . . That can be a real eye opening experience".
It sounds like the two people you referenced made a lifetime decision, not a decision to postpone pregnancy.
You kind of said that in your previous post, "how much work and expense kids are"; "more than her share of child rearing responsibility. . . That can be a real eye opening experience".
It sounds like the two people you referenced made a lifetime decision, not a decision to postpone pregnancy.
Do you deny that childrearing is hard work or expensive?
In my cousin's case she was expected to practically raise her baby brother. Every day after school (her mother worked), every summer while her mother worked and until she could convince her grandparents to help pay for college she was expected to "babysit" (raise) her little brother. This was certainly more than her fair share of child rearing experience and responsibility for a young teen. She resented the hell out of her parents and her brother. It was only after our grandparents realized how unfair her parents were to this girl that they intervened to help her get to college. Her parents were ticked cause they thought they had a built in babysitter till the kid was old enough to go to school.
And yes the two people I referenced have made lifelong decisions to not have children.
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