Imaginative 1st grader having social issues (party, punish, smart, playing)

[Kitty4]

I think your child would like Rise of the Guardians. It's about how we are all the protectors of children's dreams and imaginations, because without their dreams and imaginations, children have fear and reality and darkness to surround them. Your child has a gift that many children lose. Don't force him to lose it because of others, but do tell him to keep his creative mind to himself, because it will eventually get him into trouble with adults, as well as with other children, who have outgrown their ability to dream. Your child may benefit from you helping him, if he does not write well yet, to write down his fantasies as stories; he can dictate them to you. This will reinforce that they are stories. And that his ideas and dreams are important. The worst thing you can do is rob your child of his innocence. He'll lose it soon enough on his own, usually through peer pressure from Pitch (Rise of the Guardians) type characters.

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by Kitty4

I think your child would like Rise of the Guardians. It's about how we are all the protectors of children's dreams and imaginations, because without their dreams and imaginations, children have fear and reality and darkness to surround them. Your child has a gift that many children lose. Don't force him to lose it because of others, but do tell him to keep his creative mind to himself, because it will eventually get him into trouble with adults, as well as with other children, who have outgrown their ability to dream. Your child may benefit from you helping him, if he does not write well yet, to write down his fantasies as stories; he can dictate them to you. This will reinforce that they are stories. And that his ideas and dreams are important. The worst thing you can do is rob your child of his innocence. He'll lose it soon enough on his own, usually through peer pressure from Pitch (Rise of the Guardians) type characters.

Excellent post and great ideas!

[cgk2013]

Originally Posted by DewDropInn

Yeah. You have a smart, creative kid. (They're the ones who say, "We're going to go back in time..." as opposed to "I'll be the knight and you be the dragon.")

He's what, 6 or 7? How big is his school? Usually the kids who think like that find each other. If he's being laughed at and no one is playing with him... that's a problem. But this is a kid who is creative and that needs to be channeled: drawing, acting, writing stories.

Personally I'd put a GoPro on his head until he's old enough to know how to use it. (Which will be in about a month if he's as smart as he sounds.) Kids like your son are the ones who become Stephen Spielberg.

Perfectly said, DewDropInn!

My daughter who will be going into fifth grade this fall, still plays make-believe. She has always been very creative, imaginative, loves to read, write stories and create videos. Her father and I have always encouraged her to channel this creativity in any way she likes, as long as she is not hurting anyone or making other children feel uncomfortable. One instance is where she was really into "wolves" and would growl, howl and walk around on all fours at school. Some of the kids at school told on her, because she was scaring them. So we had a talk with her about toning it down at school and being respectful of others. I'm sure that as she gets closer to Junior High, her peers will be less forgiving of her "quirky" personality, but I'm so thankful that she has always marched to the beat of her own drum. She has never had any trouble finding friends that share her same interests.

To the OP, your son sounds like an awesome kid and I wouldn't hinder his imagination in any way. I understand your concern with the social aspect... kids can be cruel. I've been there, but try not to worry too much, he will find true friends that share in his creativity.

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by tribechamy

Although even when he is tuned in and alert he can still say things like, "I'm going to build a time machine". I believe he really wants to.

Who wouldn't want to really build a time machine? Maybe someday he will. Or maybe he'll cure cancer instead.

Originally Posted by tribechamy

-- in some cases he really does think there are elves in the tree. How should I approach situations like that?

Does he just think they are there or does he say he actually sees them there? Even if he sees them, it's not cause for concern because he isn't afraid of what he sees. He's in good company with Albert Einstein, who valued what he called his "gift for fantasy" more than his intellect. His fantasies of traveling in spaceships at the speed of light inspired his theory of relativity. I wonder what would have become of Einstein if his mother was worried about his social interactions with children on the playground and called his fantasies lies like someone in this thread suggeted. Food for thought.

[Frihed89]

The ability to day dream like Walter Mitty is a gift from God as far as i am concerned. It protects us from self-loathing and self-destruction.

[BirdieBelle]

Of course the main issue here is not whether or not he should daydream but HOW he can learn to communicate and interact with peers.

It's something we all have to learn along the way.

[creepy]

Originally Posted by tribechamy

I'm not really sure if I captured this right in the brief subject line, but the situation is this:

Our 1st grader has an active imagination, reads a lot, draws a lot, loves stories, and has a lot of different interests - space, ancient Egypt, dinosaurs, knights and dragons, pirates, etc., whatever happens to be interesting at the time. I didn't really think any of this was unusual, I was the same at his age and thought most kids were.

However one wrinkle is that he does get very involved with whatever his interest du jour is, talks about it a lot, and will do a lot of make believe types of games. I'm never totally sure if he believes it when he says, "We're going to go back in time" or "I've got a pet dragon at home". I usually just think of it as pretend play, I think on some level he knows it's not made up, that his toy isn't real or that we might pretend to something as a game, but I guess I can't be sure about that. He doesn't have an imaginary friend or anything, he just plays like this in the backyard or with his toys.

But when he says things like these on the playground or at school the kids make fun of him, tell him he's wrong, laugh, etc. I feel so badly because it makes him really upset (understandably) but don't know what to do. Tell him he shouldn't play make believe games on the playground? Tell him, like the kids at school do, that he doesn't really have a pet dinosaur or that we can't fly into space tomorrow? I just thought this was part of playing like a kid.

Any thoughts?

*detail: as far as everyone knows he's not on the autism spectrum or anything, although his teachers do want him to work more on social skills, which we're doing. I just never know how to address this particular "make-believe" issue.

Maybe he is just being raised like your generation, to have a good imagination. I felt that way with my son too and others raised as individuals. So many kids now it seems are raised and aware if trying to be copycats of some ideal, consumer child that they create this odd environment. I think it was the norm when I was a kid to have things be more free from. Now kids are so influenced by TV.

I found that kids that are "real" don't fare as well as the copy cat, follow the norm kids in school. It is our job as parents to protect them and warn them even that these other kids have a limited potential because they are starting out with that attitude and to not "wear their heart on their sleeve" to them. It is really hard though I know for them to refrain.

My son in now turning 14 this year and I have to say that there were many mistakes we made in not standing up for him when we should have. We thought the public school system worked for him but we should have gotten a lot angrier at times and insisted. Any way that is another story for another time.

What I found was that upper middle class people and their kids saw my kid as gifted and interesting but middle of the road, lower income kids saw my kid as weird. I recently saw some studies done on various types of Asperger and high functioning kids and the research showed the same thing. Not that your kids has it but he may share traits with them.

A diverse school helps a kid like this succeed, I did not really get that at the time. My son had some black friends and I noticed they were the most understanding of kids differences than any other kids. My husband being Hispanic I thought the Hispanic kids would like my half Hispanic son but they despised him mostly because those kids are trying so hard to be normal and American(most had foreign born parents) they tolerate no variance. I know of 2 families who were black that removed their kids from the 90% Hispanic school to put them at another with more black kids and I wish we had done the same. Too many of any type of kid makes the school one sided. Like I said hindsight is 20/20.

Best of luck with your kiddo. I had to keep getting together a circle of like minded imaginative kids to keep my kiddos self esteem up-a weekend play group. That may be an option for you all too.

[Aggiebuttercup]

My coworker's granddaughter had a problem relating to the other kids in her class when she was in 1st/2nd grade. She had younger siblings, and she had played primarily with them. The teacher suggested that the little girl be put in at least one after-school activity so that she could learn how to interact with other kids her age in a less threatening environment than school. They tried horseback riding lessons and cheer classes, and she blossomed.

If your son isn't in any extracurriculars, it might be worth thinking about putting him in one. That can help him meet other like-minded kids, or show him better how other kids interact, and give him something else to talk about other than pretend.

At home, encourage the pretend. My 5-year-old son and I have many long conversations about "pretend" subject and play make-believe, and I hope he doesn't grow out of it any time soon.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Hopes

The bolded is not good advice and will squash his imagination. Having an imagination isn't lying. Playing make believe isn't lying. He is on the playground playing the only way he knows how to play.

Instead of telling him he's lying, teach him how to play other ways too. It sounds like he didn't have much social interaction with other children until he went to school, and he spent a significant amount of time with self play.

I'd make more time to play with the child. Play board games. Play catch and kick ball outside in the yard. Let him have his imagination and make believe but expose him to other ways to play so he learns to enjoy the types of things other kids like to do on the playground.

When he comes home and says he's upset because of how the children treated him when he said he had a dinosaur at home, that's when to talk about fantasy and reality. Not when he's playing make believe at home, but when he comes to talk about his distress at other people's reaction to make believe. Tell him the other children don't have his active imagination and don't understand.

Excellent points.

Originally Posted by parentologist

Two things come to mind. High IQ and Aspergers. Both not such terrible things to have. He needs intensive training in social skills, the same as if he were rehearsing lines for a play. Make friends with the other parents in his class, and have frequent play dates, and family get togethers with them. When you see him going off into his make believe world and being off-putting to other kids, talk to him about, "What do you think Billy would like to play? Can you play that with him?" Talk to him about being a good host, being a good playmate, a good friend. All these things mean showing interest in the OTHER person, what they want, how they feel. Practice these skills with him. Have him say, "What's YOUR favorite game? What do YOU want to do? How about YOU choose first? What do YOU like to play best?" Have him model the behavior with you, frequently. Then challenge him to try it out on the playground, or on a playdate.

More great points.

I know that you said in your first post that you did not think that he was on the autism spectrum. But, whether or not he is there are some very useful social skills programs that are often used in schools for assisting children with autism to learn how to interact better with other children. There are also child psychologists who specialize in building social skills in young children. A lot depends on the amount of his imaginative play and how much it interferes, if at all, with his interactions with other children and adults.
You can then decide if his fantasy play is a "blessing or a curse" (to use a trite saying). You said in one of your posts that he is able to play sports and enjoy other activities with children his own age and that is great.

Perhaps getting him involved in creative activities such as acting, dance, writing and drawing may be helpful to meet new friends who may enjoy some of the same creative expressions. If you live in a large city they may even have specialty elementary schools for the creative arts that may suit him better than his neighborhood school.

Good luck to you and your family.

[tribechamy]

Too many responses to respond individually but thank you for all of the support and ideas. More opportunity for playing with other kids particularly in a directed way, doing a variety of things that don't always include pretend is a great idea and will probably help a lot. Some of this as others said may just be a matter of time, whether he changes or has time to meet more like-minded friends. Finding ways to channel that creative energy is great, too, we read stories but probably should spend more time writing them!

In answer to one question, he doesn't see the elves any more than he sees monsters under his bed (negative side of active imagination) but I think he believes they are there.

It's interesting the mention of socioeconomic class - we did move recently from a more affluent area to a more mixed area running the upper-to-lower middle class spectrum in part because we wanted greater diversity but I guess this is a downside - we didn't have the same problem in our old home but I didn't know whether to attribute that to place or our son's age at the time. But we (the parents) are still trying to find our way socially as well and meet people with similar interests, this may be a matter of time too.

Thank you again and I am loving the conversation

Addition ( just saw post while I was typing) his teachers & other professionals have said they don't think he's on the spectrum, but a lot of the books and sites I've seen so far that are targeted for social skills for kids on the spectrum have been very helpful, will look into additional resources thank you!