Imaginative 1st grader having social issues (baby, girl, activities, genius)
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It's interesting the mention of socioeconomic class - we did move recently from a more affluent area to a more mixed area running the upper-to-lower middle class spectrum in part because we wanted greater diversity but I guess this is a downside - we didn't have the same problem in our old home but I didn't know whether to attribute that to place or our son's age at the time.
This is very relevant and explains why his classmates aren't as imaginative. Sociologists have observed that socioeconomic classes raise their children differently to foster the characteristics that lead to success in their particular socioeconomic classes. For example, lower income parents are more likely to discourage fantasy. I recommend doing some research on it because it's fascinating. You might decide that it's best to relocate instead of restraining your son's creativeness.
Maybe he is just being raised like your generation, to have a good imagination. I felt that way with my son too and others raised as individuals. So many kids now it seems are raised and aware if trying to be copycats of some ideal, consumer child that they create this odd environment. I think it was the norm when I was a kid to have things be more free from. Now kids are so influenced by TV.
I found that kids that are "real" don't fare as well as the copy cat, follow the norm kids in school. It is our job as parents to protect them and warn them even that these other kids have a limited potential because they are starting out with that attitude and to not "wear their heart on their sleeve" to them. It is really hard though I know for them to refrain.
My son in now turning 14 this year and I have to say that there were many mistakes we made in not standing up for him when we should have. We thought the public school system worked for him but we should have gotten a lot angrier at times and insisted. Any way that is another story for another time.
What I found was that upper middle class people and their kids saw my kid as gifted and interesting but middle of the road, lower income kids saw my kid as weird. I recently saw some studies done on various types of Asperger and high functioning kids and the research showed the same thing. Not that your kids has it but he may share traits with them.
A diverse school helps a kid like this succeed, I did not really get that at the time. My son had some black friends and I noticed they were the most understanding of kids differences than any other kids. My husband being Hispanic I thought the Hispanic kids would like my half Hispanic son but they despised him mostly because those kids are trying so hard to be normal and American(most had foreign born parents) they tolerate no variance. I know of 2 families who were black that removed their kids from the 90% Hispanic school to put them at another with more black kids and I wish we had done the same. Too many of any type of kid makes the school one sided. Like I said hindsight is 20/20.
Best of luck with your kiddo. I had to keep getting together a circle of like minded imaginative kids to keep my kiddos self esteem up-a weekend play group. That may be an option for you all too.
The OP and the quoted post have struck a dusty old chord in me.
I remember being in a similar position in grade school. My mother was an introvert, and the very early years were spent playing games (sister and I have active, silly imaginations) and reading stories with my mother and (14 months younger) sister. We often visited my (maternal) grandparents and saw my cousins on special occasions. I don't remember other children in my early years. School was a shock. I was the kid that cried on the first day of pre-K (1994-5), and quickly "did my own thing".
By first grade, I was being bullied. By the end of second grade(97-8), I was completely isolated. I discovered my passion and childhood hero on a vacation that year: history and Teddy Roosevelt, respectively. History is still going on 16 years later. My grandfather got me hooked on the stock market (a fascinating concept to 8 year old me) The kids at school were into WWF (wrestling), bodily humour, and expanding their arsenals of expletives. There were no more party invites, play dates, or whatever. Depending on my class make-up, some years were more tolerable than others. Socially, I collapsed on myself, becoming extremely quiet and very grave (I felt such a sense of 'otherness', that I wouldn't even laugh at the same things as my classmates). In fairness though, my spectacular failure at school was mirrored by the drama of my parents' marriage disintegrating due to dad's alcoholism and debt. Looking back, I wonder if my severity was coming from the "man of the house" complex foisted on me as the tender age of 7. In 2014, this situation probably would have led to a recommendation for counselling. Back in 1998, my mother just encouraged my budding intellectual abilities/identity. Her intent, as she told me on her deathbed, was that I should be the first of my father's family name to "be a success". At the time, I was promised that the next level of schooling would be better.
It was slightly better. My experience mirrored creepy's assessment. My elementary school's demographics were monolithically blue collar. A kid who practically lived in the library and found the market interesting was designated as weird, and one who was awful at sports was less of a man. I found a few kindred spirits in high school (all boys, Catholic, very much a jock's school). Given the regional quality of the student body and the cruelties of scheduling, I never got to know the ones I liked very beyond a few pleasantries exchanged between classes. I still was alone most of the time, ostracised some of the time, and I never went out with friends, having none. It's interesting now in 2014, 10 years this September since my class began in HS, how many of my small circle of acquaintances came out as gay (3 of us including me out of 9).
College was when the promised social "bond" finally reached its long awaited "maturity". My university was full of intellectually inclined eccentrics and didn't punish them whatever. I finally found lasting and meaningful relationships. Interesting, the social milieu here was decidedly upper and upper-middle class.
I feel that I grew up parallel to the average kid on Long Island, New York. We were there for the same historical and cultural events (the carefree 90s and Bill Clinton followed by the tech wreck, 9/11, the housing boom etc), but being at odds with and removed from my peers until the age of 18 had its effects. My values, expectations, ambitions (even the existence of ambition), and tastes are a radical departure from the average in the area. For example, I am a fan of the European folk tradition. This likely has its genesis in my grandmother's songs sung throughout my early childhood, songs her Irish immigrant parents sung to her. Now that I have established confidence in my sense of self, I cannot malign these core differences. These differences pushed me out the door in search of something "better" when I began my undergraduate studies in Scotland in 2008. In two months, I will begin my PhD in New Zealand with whom I believe will be the perfect supervisor for me. With that, I can revel in the subject matter I love (International politics studied through a historical lens) within the one type of institution I derived meaning, fulfilment, personal growth and "joy": the university.
Now, self-indulgent reflection would be useless without drawing a lesson or two from the ether. I am not sure how extensive the benefits of counselling will be. I realise that as your son isn't a consummate social butterfly, you are receiving the suggestion of an Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis. I daydream(ed) extensively. Growing up, I was in the company of adults when I was not on my own. I internalised their behavioural norms. As unbelievable as it sounds for a boy, I wasn't enamoured with my bodily functions and had no patience for belching/farting. My grandfather was my "model" for appropriate behaviour, and he looked down on such things as "classless". My family had the attitude that children are adults in training. Others don't seem to, to put it nicely. I'd be worried if a child has problems with both children and adults.
This kid needs like-minded peers. Two people with mutual interests will find a way to make the friendship work barring severe abnormal behaviour. Many of my "problems" disappeared like the morning dew when I was surrounded by like-minded peers.
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It's interesting the mention of socioeconomic class - we did move recently from a more affluent area to a more mixed area running the upper-to-lower middle class spectrum in part because we wanted greater diversity but I guess this is a downside - we didn't have the same problem in our old home but I didn't know whether to attribute that to place or our son's age at the time. But we (the parents) are still trying to find our way socially as well and meet people with similar interests, this may be a matter of time too.
What I am about to say is nakedly and unabashedly elitist, and it derives from my experience. I will recuse myself from ruling on whether it is because or in spite of my (relative) extensive experience with people from everything ranging from those on the free lunch program to the Great American Fortune/British aristocracy. I would recommend surrounding you/your children with the most ambitious, successful, and intellectually inclined that you can. I recently returned home to suburban NY from Australia to sell my late mother's house and thus be finished with her estate. I met my sister at a local pub restaurant, and we saw across the street people we went to elementary school with stumbling out of the dive bar across the street, at 5:30 PM. That's my first "yardstick". My second are the people with whom I attended my undergrad university. They are pursuing graduate education, employed in government, working at elite firms, and starting companies. I use them as my yardstick to keep pushing myself to be and do better. Paradoxically, I am so very much in favour of elitism because I had the luxury of diversity. I would also recommend some reading on social class (look up Paul Fussell's book as a starting point).
What I am about to say is nakedly and unabashedly elitist...I would recommend surrounding you/your children with the most ambitious, successful, and intellectually inclined that you can.
I'll dare to elaborate my thoughts. In this particular situation, diversity could possibly dumb down the OP's child. Even if he learns to adapt socially, he will have learned the social interactions of the lower class. That's not a bad thing, but it's certainly not desirable as a major influence to child development.
When seeking diversity, people need to understand what true diversity is. It's people from all socioeconomic backgrounds living together. Placing an affluent child in a lower income school isn't any different from placing a impoverished child in an affluent school. Neither are diverse because there isn't an almost equal representation of each class. In schools where there is a 5% representation, everyone sits together with their own groups unless they form friendships through shared interests like sports. If the OP's child can't find anyone with shared interests and intellect, he is going to struggle. Giving it a few more years might even do damage to his social confidence once he does find like minded people if and after you move.
I'd move back to a district where my child was thriving and find another way to expose my children to diversity. I did try that by sending my children to a summer camp that had many lower income inner city children. It didn't go well. The children were much rougher and meaner. Then I was faced with my elementary school aged children asking me why X was so mean. Not a conversation I wanted to have with a child that age. I tried explaining the economic difference and how they had to be tougher where they lived. It's just not a concept young children understand, and if they understand it, it's not really an environment they should be thrown into at such an impressionable age. My idea of exposing my children to diversity backfired, and I had to work hard at countering the negative opinions my children formed based on their experiences.
For diversity, an environment with an equal balance of socioeconomic groups is the most desirable. Otherwise, your child is a lab rat in an experiment that very well might fail. It's not fair to hope your child grows up to achieve your economic success while throwing him into a group of peers who only have a small percentage of parents with the same economic and educational goals for their children.
I really want to stress how important it is for the OP to study the sociology of socioeconomic classes with particular focus on parenting styles and peer influence.
Sad he can't be himself in front of his peers. Sounds like a nice imagination that will go to waste, due to him being a little different. Wow, already in 1st grade kids are attacking the different kid. Guess that is what keeps the great ones down.
I think I would encourage his imagination, but maybe tell him at school the other kids won't understand. I certainly wouldn't put your child down in any way. If anything, I might go the other direction and say the other kids just won't understand such a sophisticated imagination, so they may try and make fun of you, because they don't understand. You might be the parent of a great artist or a great storyteller. It would be sad to shame him out of it.
You've gotten some great advice and I'll just add a couple of things.
Don't underestimate the power of simple communication. Even though he's just 6, he sounds very bright. Talk to him forthrightly about imagination and reality and why some people react negatively to his tales. You can do that without being judgmental about him or the other kids. "Some people really like to make up stories in their heads and others don't. And sometimes one type of person has a hard time getting along with another type of person. If you think another kid isn't understanding or enjoying that type of play, you can switch to something else, of find another kid to play imagination games with."
Also, as he gets older, encourage him to write stories down, or make videos of them. It sounds like he has quite a gift and I hope you can nurture it while keeping him on track socially.
Talk to him forthrightly about imagination and reality and why some people react negatively to his tales. You can do that without being judgmental about him or the other kids. "Some people really like to make up stories in their heads and others don't. And sometimes one type of person has a hard time getting along with another type of person. If you think another kid isn't understanding or enjoying that type of play, you can switch to something else, of find another kid to play imagination games with."
The big problem with that is it could cause him to want to change who is his and shut down his creative side because kids just want to fit into the crowd and be like everyone else. He'd be around more like-minded students if he could attend at a creative arts charter school or go back to the district he previously attended.
The big problem with that is it could cause him to want to change who is his and shut down his creative side because kids just want to fit into the crowd and be like everyone else. He'd be around more like-minded students if he could attend at a creative arts charter school or go back to the district he previously attended.
I don't think that's necessarily true, depending on his maturity level. And IMO it's better than having kids make fun of him or shun him. Generally, I think that as long as parents stick to the truth and talk at an age-appropriate level, it's hard to go wrong. And it's true that some kids and adults don't like to play imaginary games--they'd rather put together a model or play football. If he's approaching that type of kid with his tales and they're shutting him out, a little explanation from his mom about "different strokes for different folks" could go a long way.
I know everybody hates the "he must be gifted" response but how does he do in school academically? I ask because he sounds a little like my son who would come home sad because no one else wanted to discuss the intricacies of whale migration or how satellites were launched into space.
Could be that. Or I have a neighbor who's son is of perfectly typical intelligence but honestly believed that he was part dinosaur for many years throughout grade school. He is affectionately known in high school now as Dino-Boy, but a year or so was tough in elementary. He came through it ok though and is popular and very social now.
As much as I'd love to do the "oh, he's gifted!" thing, he really isn't, by standardized test score or school performance he's solidly average, maybe a little above in a few areas but overall just a regular student. When teachers or others say, "He's so smart!" I think they're generally picking up on his detailed knowledge of this or that subject. But really he's a bookworm who's curious about a lot of things. Also we do tend to foster this tendency - if he expresses an interest in a subject we follow that with trips to the library, internet searches, museum visits, etc. We're a bit nerdy ourselves.
The class discussion has been interesting but I'm nervous about weighing that too heavily. We're in a slightly more mixed area but that does include lots of people who are more wealthy than us. Also it's not all about money. In our home (Greater Boston area) some affluent communities are made of people who work in things like finance and other affluent (and some less affluent) communities are made up of people in academia, research, etc. We came from the latter to an area that is mixed, so we have everything from finance gurus & C-level execs & business owners to teachers & nurses & firefighters to people who work seasonally in the building trades - all fields which arguably aren't as creativity based as physics or writing. And that's not a bad thing: Albert Einstein may have been a genius but from what I know of his life I wouldn't necessarily have trusted him with my money, my life, or my home.
Part of why we moved also had to do with the area we came from. I grew up in these same academic based towns and while surrounding oneself with the best and brightest can expose a child to great examples and inspire them to great heights it also can be intimidating and can even stifle dreams if everyone else appears to be part of the elite. If you wander over to the MA board you often see mention of "pressure cooker schools" in some communities, and those aren't expensive prep schools, they're the public ones. We wanted our child to be able to pursue his interests and regular academics without feeling as if he were competing in some race to the top.
That being said I totally get what everyone is saying - it can be isolating to be interested in science or history or art when it seems like everyone else is just interested in football. However I still hold out hope that he's not the only kid who has these interests, there are lots of bright kids here, however some are more pragmatic and reality-driven. Even if I didn't have that hope moving or private/charter schools aren't really a practical option.
There has been a lot of great advice here, lots to take in! Thank you so much to everyone for your thoughtful responses, you've given so many ideas and action plans to pursue
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but how does he do in school academically? I ask because he sounds a little like my son who would come home sad because no one else wanted to discuss the intricacies of whale migration or how satellites were launched into space.
