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Have at least one kid. It's better to have a kid, and say, wow that was hard..
But to be 72 years old, nearing death, and never having kids, you will forever what "could have been"
You can't know that will be the case. You can't know that there won't be regrets either way. Kids are not reversible and what you are spouting is terrible advise
You can't know that will be the case. You can't know that there won't be regrets either way. Kids are not reversible ...
And that really is the crux of the matter! If you don't have kids, and later in life come to regret your decision, then only your life is affected adversely. If you do have kids, and come to regret your decision, then the offspring's life is also affected! In my view, the latter is a far worse predicament.
You make some really good, mature points!
Thank you for offering a voice of reason. I loathe when people say "it's so expensive to have a child". It's what YOU want to spend. Just like when people say "Weddings are so expensive". You get to choose. If you want to spend 100k on a wedding....go for it. Or you can spend 3k. Or 500.
Basic needs - food, shelter, clothing...always there for all of us. I've told my husband I am looking at thrift stores for baby items when the time comes. I would rather save our money for when the child is a bit older and needs sturdy shoes or a really nice, warm coat.
Anyway, I appreciate your post.
I bought a lot of used clothes for my daughter and also bought a used crib, swing, carrier-thingy and some other items. A friend suggested I do that so that I wouldn't be too attached to any of it. Sure enough, I easily passed it all on when I was finished with it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by emm74
I think it is legitimate to factor in housing because you typically need a larger home plus have different priorities for where you want to live - being in a good school district usually makes for more expensive housing. So not the entire housing amount but the difference between what you would have paid for a smaller house in a less desirable area and larger, better area.
As for child care, I keep waiting for the "usually not much at all after they start school" thing to kick in. My son is 10 and I'm still paying between $4000-5000 per year for afterschool and summer camps. These are with very basic programs through the local school district, not some fancy schmancy summer camp. Just a safe place for my kid to be while I work. Of course it's much less than it was for infant care, but it's still a very large chunk of money particularly because where I live has very high childcare costs (I think 6th in the country or something like that) but salaries aren't similarly high.
You're probably right. I live in a very low cost-of-living area. The after school care was very reasonable. Most of the summer camps were reasonable, but some were expensive. That only lasted a few years though.
And that really is the crux of the matter! If you don't have kids, and later in life come to regret your decision, then only your life is affected adversely. If you do have kids, and come to regret your decision, then the offspring's life is also affected! In my view, the latter is a far worse predicament.
In other words, live a cautious and fearful life, unwilling to face challenges and overcome obstacles, because of the inconvenience.
Taking all things into account that you've stated... my advice is don't have kids. In fact I would in your situation go get a vasectomy to ensure that is the outcome for you since that is what you want. I have a few children and I also have a couple failed relationships behind me and in retrospect I wish I knew then what I know now over a decade later.
I love my kids and of course I am working hard to support them and love the quality time I have with them etc etc... BUT... and this is huge... with the thoughts you have expressed, I have to encourage you to go the direction you've indicated wanting to go. It isn't selfish and indeed the world is not going to end if you don't have children of your own. If someday you changed your mind you could adopt or even have your Vasectomy reversed (or you could put some sperm away before the Vasectomy). This world of ours does not need more people. Your life will change immensely when you have kids - all the focus of your life will go towards them and your money as well. Don't buy into the BS that isn't the case, most people are so genetically hardwired to have children that they cannot think clearly... I'm here to tell you ... please think clearly about this.
The worst thing is divorce in terms of it being hard on children of divorcing parents. It ruins everything and the entire picture of your family becomes warped. It's great for the powers that be as it encourages both parents to work full time and even harder (which ultimately is what the powers that be want), but it is crappy for those of us who envisioned a different kind of life with our significant other. I bring up divorce because with the pressures unique to this day and age on the family unit, it happens more often than naught.
With a do over I would have heeded the advice of my NYC friends, held off on marriage and most certainly held off on having children until I was much older and had fewer things on my bucket list to complete. Instead I succumbed to imagined pressures to do what friends or family had done. It was ridiculous, but at the time I didn't know myself well at all. Really think clearly about what you want to do with your life.
Don't have children unless YOU want them or you will be miserable. There was a time just two generations ago that having children was a lot more fun and a lot less work... those days are long gone my friend. The reality now is this... both you and your wife will work full time to afford to send your kids to daycare up until they start in the public education system. They will spend just about 8am-3pm each day in the care of others no matter how you look at it; you both will work your butts off for the privilege to do this. IF you have a great high paying job you can afford to have your wife stay at home so she can be a full-time mom.... BUT if she doesn't want this or more applicably if you end up in the 50% of failed marriages, that will be short-lived and then everything is turned upside down lifestyle wise. So really think about those things...
My prayers are with you my friend and my opinion is just an opinion so take it for whatever worth you find it.
In other words, live a cautious and fearful life, unwilling to face challenges and overcome obstacles, because of the inconvenience.
Or because you simply don't want to. Choosing to not have children isn't always because of fear of challenges and obstacles... it could be idk because he doesn't want them.
Well, wanting to have kids is instinctual. The cultural factors you mention are real and come out of that instinct. Have you ever seen women cooing over someone's baby? That's not just them being polite. Or little girls playing with baby dolls. It's an instinct of our species, and of mammals in general, to dote over the young.
Males are less so with other people's kids, but once we have children of our own, we males dote like crazy. Pure instinct.
All this analyzing and financial calculations are a bunch of rationalization emanating from the forebrain. Our ancient, instinctual hindbrain is actually in charge here. "Me want baby!" That's what drives us.
That's just not true. Some people just like/want kids more than others. I'm a woman who has zero interest in children. Of course, I would never harm a child. I love my nephews because they're my sister's kids. But I have no mothering instinct toward babies at all. I have never changed a diaper in my life. As for the baby doll thing, that's also not correct. Some kids are into them, others aren't.
Taking all things into account that you've stated... my advice is don't have kids. In fact I would in your situation go get a vasectomy to ensure that is the outcome for you since that is what you want.
OP, make sure to stop off at the divorce attorney's office on your way there! This is really bad advice to a newlywed with a wife who wants to have kids, particularly with a husband who up until now hasn't been enthusiastic but has said he would be ok with having 1 child.
I've never had much of an itch to have kids and start a family. I'm introverted and can't deny that I relish time alone to read, write, work out, and do other things as I please.
I got married earlier this year to my girlfriend of 9 years. A few years ago, she was very gung-ho about having two kids. But I feel I have opened her eyes to several things the last couple of years that have made her think twice:
- We are both very low-maintenance people
- We like our free time to sleep in, watch movies, and go out whenever and wherever we like
- I have never been a baby lover, nor do I have much experience taking care of or dealing with kids
-Sometimes I feel I want to contribute to society in different ways, like helping animals, the poor, etc (which many parents lack the time and money to do)
- She has a very stressful job and certain health issues (thyroid, tiredness, etc) that may impact how much time and effort she can put into parenting, especially on weeknights
-She is overweight (thyroid) and has high blood pressure, which can make hers a high-risk pregnancy. I worry about that a lot.
Now she knows she can only hope for 1 child, at most.
But I am still unsure as to whether I want to have even one.
I am one to shy away from big, life-changing decisions. I like to think through my decisions very carefully.
I am torn because I do have times where I feel I would want to have a daughter (daddy's little girl) whom I can raise and love. I know there's no telling what the baby's gender will be, but I would prefer to have a girl. The people who have made the biggest impact on my life (mom, grandma, aunt, sisters) have all been women, so I see this as paying it forward.
I also feel bad because I don't want to deprive my wife of the joys of motherhood. I almost want to have a kid to just please her, but I know that having a kid just to appease your spouse would certainly be ill-advised.
My biggest fear is that having a kid is going to change the simple and hassle-free life I have come to love. And once you have a kid, the decision is irreversible.
What are your thoughts and experiences?
Thanks in advance.
If you need a moral angle, we can't keep cramming 70-80 million more people each year onto this finite planet and expect the quality of life to hold up. Cheap oil created an illusion of easy agriculture and global transport but that's waning. It's not just about feeding people, anyhow. It's about breathing room and quality of life for all species.
People do absolutely change. Hubby and I did. We married, five hearse before we changed our minds and had kids.
Saying the OP isn't fair! Please, this is a potential child, what a ridiculous statement. The fairness is only of both people want to be parents. People change, if it is very important for the wife, they need to make a decision.
And yes, kids are expensive. Used diapers? No thanks.
Sure people change - I just don't believe for a second the OP did. Reread his original post. His only thoughts are in the negative - or on what's in it for him. Those are self centered thoughts.
Quote:
I've never had much of an itch to have kids and start a family. I'm introverted
and can't deny that I relish time alone to read, write, work out, and do other
things as I please.
I got married earlier this year to my girlfriend of
9 years. A few years ago, she was very gung-ho about having two kids. But I feel I have opened her eyes to several things the last couple of years that have made
her think twice:
- We are both very low-maintenance people
- We like
our free time to sleep in, watch movies, and go out whenever and wherever we
like
- I have never been a baby lover, nor do I have much experience taking
care of or dealing with kids
-Sometimes I feel I want to contribute to
society in different ways, like helping animals, the poor, etc (which many
parents lack the time and money to do)
- She has a very stressful job and
certain health issues (thyroid, tiredness, etc) that may impact how much time
and effort she can put into parenting, especially on weeknights
-She is
overweight (thyroid) and has high blood pressure, which can make hers a
high-risk pregnancy. I worry about that a lot.
Now she knows she can only
hope for 1 child, at most.
But I am still unsure as to whether I want to have even one.
I am one to shy away from big, life-changing decisions. I like to think through my decisions very carefully.
I am torn because I do have times where I feel I would want to have a daughter (daddy's little girl) whom I can raise and love. I know there's no telling what the baby's gender will be, but I would prefer to have a girl. The people who have made the biggest impact on my life (mom, grandma, aunt, sisters) have all been women, so I see this as paying it forward. He doesn't want a child, he wants a pet who he thinks might adore him - you don't have a child in the expectation the child will "give" to you.
I also feel bad because I don't want to deprive my wife of the joys of motherhood. I almost want to have a kid to just please her, but I know that having a kid just to appease your spouse would certainly be ill-advised.
My biggest fear is that having a kid is going to change the simple and hassle-free life I have come to love. And once you have a kid, the decision is irreversible.
What are your thoughts and experiences?
Thanks in advance.
The OP wasn't fair - to his future wife. He said what he thought he needed to say for his own needs - and as a result, will end up making his wife choose between him and being a parent - which he KNEW was important to her. He should have been honest with her at the beginning then let her decide if the relationship was worth that compromise. It may well have been and they wouldn't be in the current situation.
I don't agree the OP should "just have 1" even if he has no interest in parenting. That's unfair to the child. I do think the OP owes his wife the truth and an easy, uncontested "out" if she wants it. She deserves that much.
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The world is already overpopulated, you know
