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If you are not sure whether you want to have kids and have thought about it enough to post here, then you want that! Its just rightful apprehension about uncharted territory. Don't delay in that case, the biological clock is for real.
Here are 3 other reasons I am unsure as to whether I want to have kids:
1. Anxiety - I forgot to mention this earlier, but I have anxiety problems. It's very easy for me to overthink things and get very worked up over them. I worry a lot about stuff. I can't imagine how anxious I'd be trying to keep up with all things involving the child.
2. Others' experiences -- Both my sisters had their first child in recent years. They're the type of women who have always gone gaga over kids, yet they've each decided they're going the "one and done route." I always expected they'd have 2 or 3, but the kids have taken an immense toll on them. I've seen firsthand how bratty they can be (especially in public places), forcing their parents to "call it a night" very early.
3. Children thrust you into social activities-- For introverts like me who like to keep a lid on the number of social functions they attend, having kids won't help our cause. Between birthday parties and baptisms, school board meetings and doctor's visits, children require you to come out of your shell-there's no way around it. Don't get me wrong-- I enjoy going to these things once in a while but with a kid you really have no say in the matter.
4. I would make a boring dad-- I go out with my wife to the movies, restaurants, museums, the mall, ballgames, concerts and a few other places. But my wife and I are happy being homebodies. We make every Sunday a Netflix/Amazon Prime day and generally like staying in. I am not a big traveler, though I want to visit a few states with my wife in the next few years. Even now, I try to avoid going to get togethers and family events--I am just a lot happier being alone with my wife and enjoying peace and quiet.
My biggest fear is that having a kid is going to change the simple and hassle-free life I have come to love. And once you have a kid, the decision is irreversible.
I vote no.
If this ^^ is your biggest fear, then no, you definitely should NOT have kids.
Don't worry about post-pregnancy regrets. Nature takes care of that. You will love the baby more than anything else in the world, your wife will love the baby, and nature will ensure that she doesn't even remember the pain and difficulty of pregnancy! It's all part of our DNA -- she will forget the pain so that she will want to have another one.
The question you have to ask yourself: at age 80, do you want to have grandchildren (potentially) with whom you can play and tell them stories of your childhood and what your parents were like? (Back in my day, we rode around in these metal things called "cars" and we needed "cell phones" to communicate!)
At age 80, do you want to be elderly and alone, or if you're fortunate, still together with your elderly spouse, but eventually either she or you will be totally alone and go to your death alone? Or do you want children and grandchildren visiting you on holidays, bringing joy into your life?
For me it was an easy decision. Yes, it's hard work. Yes, it costs money. But the happiness and fulfillment as well as the education in learning to be patient and understanding and empathetic are all part of the package.
By the way, we haven't let having a little girl slow us down too much. We travel (when she's a baby is easiest because you don't have to buy an extra seat on the plane, and they let you board sooner, people always willing to give up a seat for you, etc), we go out to eat, we go to concerts and dances. We limit her video time (we don't have a TV) and encourage her to read books, have play dates with friends, and do physical activities like dance and music. All in all it's been an enriching experience and I would never trade it for all the tea in China.
The up side of schools, PTOs, shopping for diapers etc is that you will make new friends quickly. Parents are like natural allies. Women especially quickly form moms' groups that go for walks, compare notes on prices and child rearing, etc. and it's like a whole support network springs up to help you along. You can be as social or anti-social as you like of course, but it's out there and very easy to become part of.
Just don't wait too long. 30 is already pushing it. We waited longer than that and it made things complicated. The best thing is to do it while you're young and energetic, and then when your child is getting ready to leave the nest, you're still young enough to enjoy life. 48 is still young in today's society--50 is the new 30. I say go for it. Don't over think it, don't try to predict it. Billions of people around the world just do it without thinking about it, and nature finds a way for them to make ends meet and raise 10 kids; you'll be ahead of the game with one or two.
Having a kid is not easy. But if your wife for sure wants kids and you dont, then perhaps its better to call off this relationship. It is not fair on her to not have kids and it is not fair on you to force a kid on you.
But one thing I can say for sure. I am yet to hear of a parent who complained saying "I regret having a kid". I have come across quite a few older people who said "I regret not having kids".
Freezing eggs is an option, if you want to postpone the decision of having kids.
It's fascinating to me that people still choose to marry when they have different wants when it comes to having children or not. To me, this is the biggest consideration -- aside from your relationship itself -- when considering marriage. It is decidedly NOT an 'ohhh, we'll figure it out later' kind of thing.
Exactly! How can you marry someone that wants to have kids when you don't? It is not fair!
Don't worry about post-pregnancy regrets. Nature takes care of that. You will love the baby more than anything else in the world, your wife will love the baby, and nature will ensure that she doesn't even remember the pain and difficulty of pregnancy! It's all part of our DNA -- she will forget the pain so that she will want to have another one.
The question you have to ask yourself: at age 80, do you want to have grandchildren (potentially) with whom you can play and tell them stories of your childhood and what your parents were like? (Back in my day, we rode around in these metal things called "cars" and we needed "cell phones" to communicate!)
At age 80, do you want to be elderly and alone, or if you're fortunate, still together with your elderly spouse, but eventually either she or you will be totally alone and go to your death alone? Or do you want children and grandchildren visiting you on holidays, bringing joy into your life?
For me it was an easy decision. Yes, it's hard work. Yes, it costs money. But the happiness and fulfillment as well as the education in learning to be patient and understanding and empathetic are all part of the package.
By the way, we haven't let having a little girl slow us down too much. We travel (when she's a baby is easiest because you don't have to buy an extra seat on the plane, and they let you board sooner, people always willing to give up a seat for you, etc), we go out to eat, we go to concerts and dances. We limit her video time (we don't have a TV) and encourage her to read books, have play dates with friends, and do physical activities like dance and music. All in all it's been an enriching experience and I would never trade it for all the tea in China.
The up side of schools, PTOs, shopping for diapers etc is that you will make new friends quickly. Parents are like natural allies. Women especially quickly form moms' groups that go for walks, compare notes on prices and child rearing, etc. and it's like a whole support network springs up to help you along. You can be as social or anti-social as you like of course, but it's out there and very easy to become part of.
Just don't wait too long. 30 is already pushing it. We waited longer than that and it made things complicated. The best thing is to do it while you're young and energetic, and then when your child is getting ready to leave the nest, you're still young enough to enjoy life. 48 is still young in today's society--50 is the new 30. I say go for it. Don't over think it, don't try to predict it. Billions of people around the world just do it without thinking about it, and nature finds a way for them to make ends meet and raise 10 kids; you'll be ahead of the game with one or two.
Nature does not take care of that in all cases. If it did, we wouldn't have all these child murders and abuse. Please do not try to talk someone into having kids. It is something only they can decide on.
And the fear of being alone is not a good reason!
Billions of people around the world have kids because they don't have a choice. My mother had 11 kids and said if she had a way to stop, she would have only had 2. She is a wonderful person, but spoke the truth! I do not have kids, never felt the urge, and have no fear of being alone. And I owe that all to my mom's truthfulness.
Having a kid is not easy. But if your wife for sure wants kids and you dont, then perhaps its better to call off this relationship. It is not fair on her to not have kids and it is not fair on you to force a kid on you.
But one thing I can say for sure. I am yet to hear of a parent who complained saying "I regret having a kid". I have come across quite a few older people who said "I regret not having kids".
Freezing eggs is an option, if you want to postpone the decision of having kids.
I have. And if you are old enough, you might remember the infamous Dear Abby column. She wanted people to write in and let her know how they felt about having kids.
She was shocked at how so many (anonymously) said if they had to do it over again, no kids would have been the way to go.
People will not come out and say it out loud - society would not approve!
I am an anxious introvert - it IS difficult. But I'm not always out socializing with other people. By 3 they can take classes alone so I pretty much pay to have him socialize without me. We were on the fence about having children and we have one little boy. I will say that one is all I can handle, but I have never regretted having him. Even though he is like a tornado energy-wise and talks continuously. He is an introvert's worst nightmare but he makes me laugh so much and he loves so fiercely it's like everything is right with the world. It's certainly fine to not want and not have children. But they don't have to completely rip you apart either. It usually feels like we've just added someone to our team. On the weekends we still take long hikes and bike rides. He loves to read (I think at least in part because he sees me read and we read to him constantly). It's important that they get a chance to socialize but there is opportunity for that while still spending a lot of time at home. We go to children's museums sometimes on the weekends and even though it's just us he finds other kids there to play with. (adding) He also really likes days where we get to stay home. He loves to have the chance to just play, do puzzles, stay in his jammies. I think they pick up a lot of the things that their parents enjoy. They really just want to feel loved and secure and don't need as much as many people think they do.
With the parties most people seem to have them in big play places. You can literally go and not talk to anyone. Sometimes you can't even tell whose birthday it is! And if you can take turns it's really helpful. Your wife takes him out alone and gives you time in the house and vice versa. One goes to one party the other takes the next one.
Having a kid is not easy. But if your wife for sure wants kids and you dont, then perhaps its better to call off this relationship. It is not fair on her to not have kids and it is not fair on you to force a kid on you.
But one thing I can say for sure. I am yet to hear of a parent who complained saying "I regret having a kid". I have come across quite a few older people who said "I regret not having kids".
Freezing eggs is an option, if you want to postpone the decision of having kids.
Because people think you're a monster if you say something like that. But I'm sure it contributes to the divorce rate. I know 2 different people whose husbands have left while their children were toddlers. They see the kids once a week 'when they can'. I am certain these men regretted having children, there is no way you could leave them and reduce your presence in their life to a lunch out here and there otherwise.
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We were on the fence about having children and we have one little boy. I will say that one is all I can handle, but I have never regretted having him. Even though he is like a tornado energy-wise and talks continuously. He is an introvert's worst nightmare but he makes me laugh so much and he loves so fiercely it's like everything is right with the world. It's certainly fine to not want and not have children. But they don't have to completely rip you apart either. It usually feels like we've just added someone to our team. On the weekends we still take long hikes and bike rides. He loves to read (I think at least in part because he sees me read and we read to him constantly). It's important that they get a chance to socialize but there is opportunity for that while still spending a lot of time at home. We go to children's museums sometimes on the weekends and even though it's just us he finds other kids there to play with. (adding) He also really likes days where we get to stay home. He loves to have the chance to just play, do puzzles, stay in his jammies. I think they pick up a lot of the things that their parents enjoy. They really just want to feel loved and secure and don't need as much as many people think they do.
