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I'm interested in why you chose to phrase the two questions differently? From parents you asked only about the negatives of their decision and for non-parents you asked why they chose what they chose and if they had regrets. Couldn't you have asked the same from both? That alone tells me something.
OP, I think your framing of these two very different questions for the two different groups tells you all you need to know.
I had SIX kids 4 boys and 2 girls 13 -31 and there is no WAY I would do that again . I was married twice , 3 kids with each and I realize my life went downhill when I had my first son. My mother in laws were total nightmares . I had no extended family on my side so i was like fresh meat thrown to hungry lions ( my mother in laws ) FINALLY after my 5th the GP finally figure out that the pills they'd been pumping into me had NEVER worked due to my IBS and crohns ( sp) and they were surprised I didn't have SIXTEEN kids . My last one was due to an intentionally damaged condom by my ex husband who didn't want me to leave . I took her and left . Both my divorces were difficult and each ex offered the children everything but a Bentley. So they went and listened to years of untruths about me .
I wish none of this had ever happened .
I moved to Europe and married one last time. I am 52. We will never have kids and he adopted my youngest . The rest do not talk to me unless they want money .Thank goodness I am still in good shape I am trying to catch up in a career I love that had been on fire before I had kids , half assed after I had the kids and now trying t pick up the pieces of it again . I love them but I'd never do it again .
Good grief, Duchess. Haven't you heard of Moscow rules??
"Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, three times is enemy action."
But 6 times???? At some point, you have to own it. And those docs have some explaining to do.
Being a parent is NOT for everyone. If BOTH aren't completely on board and you do have a CHOICE, don't do it, OP.
We have no children not by choice just by fate. I am now 62 and find a lot of our retired friends spend a lot of money helping out their adult children. We just bought a home from a lady who moved downstate to live near her kids and grandkids. We heard through the grapevine that she is really sorry she sold her house and moved where her kids work all day and her grandkids have no desire to spend time with grandma. She left a great social network of friends who she spent a lot of time with and was hardly ever home. She is having a difficult time making new friends in an area she knows no one but her family.
When I was in my 30's I raised 2 foster children and it really satisfied my mommy need. It helped fill a need those kids had and also for myself. I must admit if we had raised a family we would not be retired at age 62. I don't think we could have retired as comfortably as we are now.
It is really good that you already aware that having kids is no insurance that someone will take care of you or be a companion to you in old age. My mom died last March at home with my brother and I on either side of her holding her hands as she passed. That was the first time in many many years that I was very sad that I knew I would never experience that at my own death but I don't believe it is a reason to have children.
I responded to a previous similar post, not sure if it was yours, in the 60's or 70's there was an Ann Landers or Dear Abby column that asked the question if parents had it to do over again knowing what they know now would they have children again. She said it was the most mail she EVER got in her career. Letters came in from all economic levels and overwhelmingly people stated that they really loved their children but were completely unprepared for the responsibility, time and money it took to raise the child from 0 to 21 and beyond and they would not have children knowing what they know now...
If you adopt that is as permanent as having them biologically. A good test is doing what I did and having foster children. If you have never had any children social services will not allow you to have a newborn because of your possible attachment. But I believe it to be a great social help in addition to answering your questions about being a parent and what to expect without a permanent arrangement.
I have an eight-month old baby...and here are my thoughts on my experience so far:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wordsmith12
1. For those of you who opted to have kids: Be honest. What are some things that you don't necessarily love about parenthood? Do you have regrets? Would you advise someone who's on the fence to think very carefully before taking the leap?
There are many things that I don't love about parenthood, for instance:
1) Baby gets sick and needs to stay home which means I need to miss work which in turn makes it more difficult to support the baby.
2) Sometimes the baby will cry all night, because he is sick or he is teething or whatever...then I can't rest and as a result I can't function properly, once again making it more difficult to work and to take care of the baby.
3) I don't love my son having major meltdowns in public places such as restaurants, but they happen.
So definitely parenthood is not all pixie dust and magic, you will go through many tough times that will test your mettle. I don't regret it at all, I love my son and the awesome moments by far outweigh the bad ones. This is not exclusive to parenthood, everything you do in life will have elements that you don't love or downright can't stand. So you need to decide if the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. So yes, if you are on the fence, think very carefully before taking the leap.
As a side note, the first two months of my son's life were undeniably the two most difficult months of my life. I never really expected it to be so tough. But it gets better, a lot, and very fast. Somebody once told me that and I now understand it better than ever, and so now I tell that to anyone I know that's having a baby and asks for my advice: There will be moments you feel frustration and regret...hang in there...everybody does, it gets better, a lot, and very fast.
... they would not have children knowing what they know now...
Christ almighty, that is sad. I mean, yes, raising kids has been the hardest thing I have EVER done, but I cannot imagine not knowing them and having them in my life.
I do not begrudge people who choose to stay child-free and actually applaud that decision, even though some presume to judge and "feel sorry" for their friends who are parents because they can't go out to eat at the drop of a hat or whatever.
But to say you would not have them if you could do it again???? It just sucks that (apparently) so many feel that way.
I have an eight-month old baby...and here are my thoughts on my experience so far:
There are many things that I don't love about parenthood, for instance:
1) Baby gets sick and needs to stay home which means I need to miss work which in turn makes it more difficult to support the baby.
2) Sometimes the baby will cry all night, because he is sick or he is teething or whatever...then I can't rest and as a result I can't function properly, once again making it more difficult to work and to take care of the baby.
3) I don't love my son having major meltdowns in public places such as restaurants, but they happen.
So definitely parenthood is not all pixie dust and magic, you will go through many tough times that will test your mettle. I don't regret it at all, I love my son and the awesome moments by far outweigh the bad ones. This is not exclusive to parenthood, everything you do in life will have elements that you don't love or downright can't stand. So you need to decide if the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. So yes, if you are on the fence, think very carefully before taking the leap.
As a side note, the first two months of my son's life were undeniably the two most difficult months of my life. I never really expected it to be so tough. But it gets better, a lot, and very fast. Somebody once told me that and I now understand it better than ever, and so now I tell that to anyone I know that's having a baby and asks for my advice: There will be moments you feel frustration and regret...hang in there...everybody does, it gets better, a lot, and very fast.
The baby stage is part of the reason we had just one. I'm glad to have experienced it but I wouldn't want to go through that again. At 8 months I was still convinced I would never sleep again. Ever. It does get easier and easier. And even more fun. Hang in there!
I wonder though, will they feel differently once their children are grown? It's so hard when you're in the trenches of parenthood, feeling like you're serving a life sentence in a self-imposed prison... but maybe there comes a point when they look back and feel it was all worth it, especially if they resolved to suck it up and do their best to raise those children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Christ almighty, that is sad. I mean, yes, raising kids has been the hardest thing I have EVER done, but I cannot imagine not knowing them and having them in my life.
I do not begrudge people who choose to stay child-free and actually applaud that decision, even though some presume to judge and "feel sorry" for their friends who are parents because they can't go out to eat at the drop of a hat or whatever.
But to say you would not have them if you could do it again???? It just sucks that (apparently) so many feel that way.
Christ almighty, that is sad. I mean, yes, raising kids has been the hardest thing I have EVER done, but I cannot imagine not knowing them and having them in my life.
I do not begrudge people who choose to stay child-free and actually applaud that decision, even though some presume to judge and "feel sorry" for their friends who are parents because they can't go out to eat at the drop of a hat or whatever.
But to say you would not have them if you could do it again???? It just sucks that (apparently) so many feel that way.
I thinks it's important to put it in context. In the 60s and even into the 70s being a parent might also have meant limitations on women having education or careers as well as staying in an unhappy marriage. Hopefully things have changed but yes, it is horribly sad.
Location: Somewhere gray and damp, close to the West Coast
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Honestly, I didn't think I was mature enough to raise a child responsibly until I was about fifty years old.
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At some point, you have to own it. And those docs have some explaining to do. 
