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Really? So what should she have done? Quit her jobs and took her children to beg on the street for food and money? Oh at least they would all be spending time together then, right?
Seriously, be realistic. Single moms have it very very hard. They have to be sole breadwinner and the only parent. They barely have time for anything, some of them, if they can't get a good job. Working numerous part time jobs to put food on the table and provide a home for your children is not easy.
What an insensitive comment Magritte.
The person I am talking about is someone who felt her mother didn't spend enough time with her, but she completely failed to acknowledge the fact that her mother kept them out of an orphanage, and provided them a home with food and clothes and an education. Faulting her mother for not spending time with her, when her mother was at work to support them, is really immature thinking.
No it's not. It can have a huge impact on a person. My mom wasn't single, but she did work outside the home. When she got home she never sat down until she went to bed. I would really have liked it if she would have just sat down for a half hour, even to watch TV with us. Life is a balance. I'm sure that mom worked extremely hard, but she obviously neglected other parts of life. (BTW, I work too, so I'm not knocking working moms. I just think my mom spent too much time on housework).
The issue was partly the actual emotional neglect but the bigger issue was even after confronting my mother about this issue with my siblings she still refused to acknowledge we had a point. We weren't asking her to say we were 100% right. I'm sure, even now, I remember things in a way that is biased or too harsh on my mother. But, damn it, there were major issues in our house and for her to completely ignore it, after dozens of conversations about it, well, its too much. I simply can not be around her for long periods of time because her memories are, IMO, delusional. They do not match up with what we remember.
Some of you are totally ignoring the fact that some adult children are simply ungrateful. I don't know if that's the case with the OP, obviously. But most of you on here want to take the side of the kids if they choose to be estranged. As if, the person who makes the choice of estrangement has to be the one in the right. I see this phenomenon on forums quite a bit. Some children don't have the "children's instinct" (yes, I made that up). They don't care one way or another about the parents. Some have apathy towards their parents and are too wrapped up in their own lives.
Sure, some parents deserve to be estranged from. But I also think we live in a time where people just drop family members whenever they **** them off. Life's full of pressure now, unlike in past eras, where people had more time for their families and community. There was more capacity for imperfect family relationships. But now? No one has time for annoying family members.
Notice I am not talking about abuse or mistreatment, so please don't reply with stories justifying the estrangement in cases like those.
Some of you are totally ignoring the fact that some adult children are simply ungrateful. I don't know if that's the case with the OP, obviously. But most of you on here want to take the side of the kids if they choose to be estranged. As if, the person who makes the choice of estrangement has to be the one in the right. I see this phenomenon on forums quite a bit. Some children don't have the "children's instinct" (yes, I made that up). They don't care one way or another about the parents. Some have apathy towards their parents and are too wrapped up in their own lives.
Sure, some parents deserve to be estranged from. But I also think we live in a time where people just drop family members whenever they **** them off. Life's full of pressure now, unlike in past eras, where people had more time for their families and community. There was more capacity for imperfect family relationships. But now? No one has time for annoying family members.
Notice I am not talking about abuse or mistreatment, so please don't reply with stories justifying the estrangement in cases like those.
I agree, and I think that is what the OP's kids are. If your parents didn't beat you, abuse you, and they weren't alcoholic/drug addict/gambling addict/ constantly in jail, and they provided a home with food, clothes, education, toys, etc. and did their best, then what is the problem? I think people have romanticized versions about what they wished their family, and parents could have been. You only get 2 parents, and you are lucky if you have both of them alive and with you in home when you are growing up, provided they didn't abuse you somehow.
I personally could not see abandoning a parent, much less another close family member, just because of simply emotional issues, or feeling they didn't do *enough* to be nice to you. Some people in general are just not nice or overly demonstrative of emotions, and if those people also happen to be parents or family members, they are still not nice or overly demonstrative of emotions... Just give people a break and realize that life is short, and you are lucky to have any family at all, really, there are so many people who don't. Try to make the most of what you have. I can't understand throwing away a relationship with your family who hasn't really done any kind of crime or abuse to you.
Most abusive parents think they are great, and that it's their fault the child doesn't want to communicate. My mother is on her way to screw up my sister just as she did me, and she still doesn't see that she is the problem, not us.
I agree, and I think that is what the OP's kids are. If your parents didn't beat you, abuse you, and they weren't alcoholic/drug addict/gambling addict/ constantly in jail, and they provided a home with food, clothes, education, toys, etc. and did their best, then what is the problem? I think people have romanticized versions about what they wished their family, and parents could have been. You only get 2 parents, and you are lucky if you have both of them alive and with you in home when you are growing up, provided they didn't abuse you somehow.
I personally could not see abandoning a parent, much less another close family member, just because of simply emotional issues, or feeling they didn't do *enough* to be nice to you. Some people in general are just not nice or overly demonstrative of emotions, and if those people also happen to be parents or family members, they are still not nice or overly demonstrative of emotions... Just give people a break and realize that life is short, and you are lucky to have any family at all, really, there are so many people who don't. Try to make the most of what you have. I can't understand throwing away a relationship with your family who hasn't really done any kind of crime or abuse to you.
If you are merely providing food, clothes and material goods you are not providing all your child needs to become their best. The top two segments of the pyramid show the higher needs of humans. Its not "simple emotional issues." It is more complicate than that.
If you've never been in the situation described, it would be difficult for you to understand it. But that doesn't mean you are correct, merely uninformed.
Asking your grown children to choose between a parent and a spouse is a no-win situation for the parent, and a horrible situation to put someone in. Especially if young children are involved. What did the OP expect their son to do?
I would reflect on the period that led up to the ultimatum. That would probably provide some answers as to why contact has been cut off, and may be a good starting point toward reconciliation.
Yup. To everyone including himself, my father was Single Dad of the Year... because no one knew the horrors that went on behind closed doors... and my brothers and I are the ungrateful brats (who were turned against him by our mother) because we left as soon as soon as we could. My mother believes she was justified in abandoning us with him, and that it was for the best to never contact us until we were adults and all the grunt work was done... and again, we're the ungrateful brats (who were turned against her by our father) for not wanting a relationship with. And my mother in law can't fathom why years of relentless physical and emotional abuse is why my husband is cordial at best.
Parenting is just like anything else in life: with few exceptions, you get out what you put into it. I think parents forget that kids are people, and they have their breaking points, too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tacere
Most abusive parents think they are great, and that it's their fault the child doesn't want to communicate. My mother is on her way to screw up my sister just as she did me, and she still doesn't see that she is the problem, not us.
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