Estranged adult children (stepmother, boys, accident, marry)
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Some of you are totally ignoring the fact that some adult children are simply ungrateful. I don't know if that's the case with the OP, obviously. But most of you on here want to take the side of the kids if they choose to be estranged. As if, the person who makes the choice of estrangement has to be the one in the right. I see this phenomenon on forums quite a bit. Some children don't have the "children's instinct" (yes, I made that up). They don't care one way or another about the parents. Some have apathy towards their parents and are too wrapped up in their own lives.
Sure, some parents deserve to be estranged from. But I also think we live in a time where people just drop family members whenever they **** them off. Life's full of pressure now, unlike in past eras, where people had more time for their families and community. There was more capacity for imperfect family relationships. But now? No one has time for annoying family members.
Notice I am not talking about abuse or mistreatment, so please don't reply with stories justifying the estrangement in cases like those.
I would probably agree with you if one child was estranged. The fact that both are is very telling, IMO. Of course, we have no idea what let up to the OP's son feeling like he had to choose between his parents and his spouse. Maybe his spouse is just a jerk. Maybe she has legitimate hurt/bad feelings toward her in-laws for something they didn't realize was an issue.
Some of you are totally ignoring the fact that some adult children are simply ungrateful. I don't know if that's the case with the OP, obviously. But most of you on here want to take the side of the kids if they choose to be estranged. As if, the person who makes the choice of estrangement has to be the one in the right. I see this phenomenon on forums quite a bit. Some children don't have the "children's instinct" (yes, I made that up). They don't care one way or another about the parents. Some have apathy towards their parents and are too wrapped up in their own lives.
Sure, some parents deserve to be estranged from. But I also think we live in a time where people just drop family members whenever they **** them off. Life's full of pressure now, unlike in past eras, where people had more time for their families and community. There was more capacity for imperfect family relationships. But now? No one has time for annoying family members.
Notice I am not talking about abuse or mistreatment, so please don't reply with stories justifying the estrangement in cases like those.
The reason people are tilting towards the adult children here is simply because TWO children from a background the OP describes as loving and supportive have estranged themselves from their parents. It is highly unusual for two mentally healthy children from good home to choose to do that. One is a possible fluke, but TWO casts declarations that the upbringing was pretty ideal into doubt. Yes, maybe the OP is entirely blameless, but in my world, children are rarely estranged from their parents for frivolous reasons. I have one elderly friend who has dealt with it, but her children were struggling with addiction and mental health issues, which the OP has not brought up here.
And as I said, my mother will never admit to all the nasty things she's said to me over the years or the way she took her unhappiness and anger at my father out on me when I was a kid. If you ask her, I had an idyllic childhood. Meanwhile, I know I'm not nuts because my friends who witnessed some of the things she's said to me over the years were pretty shocked and still joke to this day about "the awful things Jrz's mother said to her when we were growing up" - what bothered them though was how I'd just kind of sit there and take it. Not that I had a choice.
Any attempt to bring any incident up with my mother results in bitter accusations that I "only remember the bad stuff."l
Does anybody else have children who are estranged? Our eldest son stopped talking to us about 8 years ago, his wife does'nt like us, we haven't seen our grandson since he was 4 or 5, he's now in jr. high school. We've seen our son maybe 4 times in 8 years, but when he stops by I ask what we've done to him and he says nothing. Although from what I understand they are doing well, I've only gotten peripheral info, but they seem to have a nice family except we are not a part of it. Our other son just got a divorce, now he's involved with another women, and now he doesn't bother with us. We've tried contacting him by calling and texting and he won't answer. We did nothing wrong, although what we know of his current relationship, its got more baggage than the last. We accepted his former wife, we did things together and accepted her son as one of our own, we supported him both financially and emotionally through his divorce. We feel cursed, and both my wife and I are broken hearted that we enjoyed our children, gave them a warm and loving home with no issues and now we are somehow the enemy. Has anyone else had to deal with this, and how did you get through it?
If both your children don't talk to you it might be possible they think you did do something wrong though. Your perceptions on the situation might not be their perceptions.
If you are merely providing food, clothes and material goods you are not providing all your child needs to become their best. The top two segments of the pyramid show the higher needs of humans. Its not "simple emotional issues." It is more complicate than that.
If you've never been in the situation described, it would be difficult for you to understand it. But that doesn't mean you are correct, merely uninformed.
I would say going to a psychologist/psychiatrist if you haven't actually been physically abused or psychologically abused (other than mind games) is also outside of the hierarchy of needs. I see a lot of wealthy people wasting money at a psychologist's office so they can complain about how things weren't the ideal. The psychologist is going to agree with you and tell you whatever you want to hear, as long as you keep paying them.
I have lived in a 3rd world country and there I have seen many people do not have this hierarchy of needs met all the time, if at all. People who have less stick together, they value each other more and they value human relationships more. I only see self indulgent Westerners who have decided to cut off contact with their parents because they didn't coddle them enough. I think this is completely ridiculous. Just put it behind you already and move on. You are lucky to have a family at all and since they took care of you for all those years that you were a bratty child, you could return the favor and take care of your poor aging parents. They aren't going to live forever, and once they are gone, so are all the memories they carry about your family tree.
Older people also get senility to some degrees, there are different kinds of dementia. I have worked with Alzheimer's patients and sometimes they become very mean as the disease progresses. This is not their fault, it's siimply their brain is being affected by the disease. Some alzhiemer's patients also become very nice, like a small child. So keep that in mind about your aging parents. They may not be the same as you remember them when you were a child.
I would say going to a psychologist/psychiatrist if you haven't actually been physically abused or psychologically abused (other than mind games) is also outside of the hierarchy of needs. I see a lot of wealthy people wasting money at a psychologist's office so they can complain about how things weren't the ideal. The psychologist is going to agree with you and tell you whatever you want to hear, as long as you keep paying them.
I have lived in a 3rd world country and there I have seen many people do not have this hierarchy of needs met all the time, if at all. People who have less stick together, they value each other more and they value human relationships more. I only see self indulgent Westerners who have decided to cut off contact with their parents because they didn't coddle them enough. I think this is completely ridiculous. Just put it behind you already and move on. You are lucky to have a family at all and since they took care of you for all those years that you were a bratty child, you could return the favor and take care of your poor aging parents. They aren't going to live forever, and once they are gone, so are all the memories they carry about your family tree.
Older people also get senility to some degrees, there are different kinds of dementia. I have worked with Alzheimer's patients and sometimes they become very mean as the disease progresses. This is not their fault, it's siimply their brain is being affected by the disease. Some alzhiemer's patients also become very nice, like a small child. So keep that in mind about your aging parents. They may not be the same as you remember them when you were a child.
From what I can see, people don't disown their parents late in life after dimentia has set in, and they don't do it over one disagreement or issue. They do it because of a long history of abuse or neglect or manipulation that the other party refuses to admit.
The op admitted that he chose to step back rather than make his child choose between them and their spouse. Perhaps the adult child feels abandoned or resents being made to choose. This is not in line with the ops claim they did nothing wrong.
I would say going to a psychologist/psychiatrist if you haven't actually been physically abused or psychologically abused (other than mind games) is also outside of the hierarchy of needs. I see a lot of wealthy people wasting money at a psychologist's office so they can complain about how things weren't the ideal. The psychologist is going to agree with you and tell you whatever you want to hear, as long as you keep paying them.
Bull****. As a big supporter of therapy, I can tell you for a fact that your view of psychiatry and therapy is way off base.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mangokiwi
I have lived in a 3rd world country and there I have seen many people do not have this hierarchy of needs met all the time, if at all. People who have less stick together, they value each other more and they value human relationships more. I only see self indulgent Westerners who have decided to cut off contact with their parents because they didn't coddle them enough. I think this is completely ridiculous. Just put it behind you already and move on. You are lucky to have a family at all and since they took care of you for all those years that you were a bratty child, you could return the favor and take care of your poor aging parents. They aren't going to live forever, and once they are gone, so are all the memories they carry about your family tree.
Older people also get senility to some degrees, there are different kinds of dementia. I have worked with Alzheimer's patients and sometimes they become very mean as the disease progresses. This is not their fault, it's siimply their brain is being affected by the disease. Some alzhiemer's patients also become very nice, like a small child. So keep that in mind about your aging parents. They may not be the same as you remember them when you were a child.
Because you lived in a 3rd world country it would make sense that the first two segments of need were at the forefront of your fellow countrymen's priorities.
You aren't reading what we are saying if you think this is about being coddled. I've "lost" family members who I've cut contact with already and no, I do not feel one bit bad about not talking to them. Why would I? They caused stress, drama, negativity and took away from my life. Why should I miss that???
I will not be taking care of my mother in her old age. She has shown me that she does not care about me or my children or my siblings or my nieces and nephews. You reap what you sow. The "OH BUT WE'RE FAMILLLLYYYYY" line is old and played out. It isn't a get out of jail free card.
From what I can see, people don't disown their parents late in life after dimentia has set in, and they don't do it over one disagreement or issue. They do it because of a long history of abuse or neglect or manipulation that the other party refuses to admit.
The op admitted that he chose to step back rather than make his child choose between them and their spouse. Perhaps the adult child feels abandoned or resents being made to choose. This is not in line with the ops claim they did nothing wrong.
I'm not sure what else a parent is supposed to do. The son's loyalty to his parents should take a back seat to his spouse. If the spouse doesn't support a relationship with the in-laws, then the parents lose out, as do any grandchildren. I am not the biggest fan of our DIL, but my son loves her, and she loves him. That's really all I can ask.
And, if the son feels abandoned, well then, who is that really on? As a parent, I also didn't ask my son to chose. I waited it out, never voiced criticism of his wife, and he reentered our lives. I hope the same happens in the OP's case.
I think the family dynamic in each family unit is unique, and I don't believe there is a "one size fits all" for repairing troubled relationships. Ultimately it comes down to figuring out how much responsibility you hold for the state of the breakdown, and what you're going to do about it. You cannot control others, only yourself.
Pointing fingers and blaming others is rarely helpful and tends to be even more destructive.
I do think it is helpful to only address such issues if you can remain calm and not point fingers. If you can't manage that, then better to keep quiet for now. And never, ever expect your child to choose between you and their spouse.
My MIL is a real challenge. It took me some time to realize her relationship with her son (my husband) and the grandchildren was the most important part of the equation. Now I was also very firm and non-emotional with her about a few things and was very clear with my husband where the boundaries were, but I try/tried very hard to not get caught up in her drama and that has helped me a great deal.
I'm not sure what else a parent is supposed to do. The son's loyalty to his parents should take a back seat to his spouse. If the spouse doesn't support a relationship with the in-laws, then the parents lose out, as do any grandchildren. I am not the biggest fan of our DIL, but my son loves her, and she loves him. That's really all I can ask.
And, if the son feels abandoned, well then, who is that really on? As a parent, I also didn't ask my son to chose. I waited it out, never voiced criticism of his wife, and he reentered our lives. I hope the same happens in the OP's case.
All I'm saying is key parts of the story were left out and I don't buy that the op "did nothing wrong" just cause the op said so. I believe there are also 2 adult children in the op's scenario. That also points to the op not being totally innocent. Every situation is unique, though. We really don't know what the op's is.
The reason people are tilting towards the adult children here is simply because TWO children from a background the OP describes as loving and supportive have estranged themselves from their parents. It is highly unusual for two mentally healthy children from good home to choose to do that. One is a possible fluke, but TWO casts declarations that the upbringing was pretty ideal into doubt. Yes, maybe the OP is entirely blameless, but in my world, children are rarely estranged from their parents for frivolous reasons. I have one elderly friend who has dealt with it, but her children were struggling with addiction and mental health issues, which the OP has not brought up here.
And as I said, my mother will never admit to all the nasty things she's said to me over the years or the way she took her unhappiness and anger at my father out on me when I was a kid. If you ask her, I had an idyllic childhood. Meanwhile, I know I'm not nuts because my friends who witnessed some of the things she's said to me over the years were pretty shocked and still joke to this day about "the awful things Jrz's mother said to her when we were growing up" - what bothered them though was how I'd just kind of sit there and take it. Not that I had a choice.
Any attempt to bring any incident up with my mother results in bitter accusations that I "only remember the bad stuff."l
I have to totally disagree with this.
My son stayed home for another 18 months after his sister left but in the end, he does everything she says.
So he left too.
I blame him LESS because he's still only 18, a virtual child.
I abused neither of my kids, I loved them to death and put them first above all else every single day of my life.
I said I have no idea why, and its true.
There has never been any finger pointing, you did this, you did that, never ANY REASON AT ALL.
Just silence.
It is incredibly painful and incredibly common. I actually feel like my children died and have spent the last 4 years grieving for them, and they don't seem to have missed a beat.
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