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A classic case where the OP knows what she needs to do but doesn't want to do it, so she comes to a discussion forum to ask total strangers (who have no knowledge of the situation or the parties involved) what she should do. When they tell her what they think she should do, she has a load of excuses why she can't/won't do it.
Wash, rinse and repeat.
I can only pray that we don't get a subsequent post "My daughter tried to kill herself and I tried everything to prevent it!"
Being good parents means that sometimes we have to make our offspring do things they don't want to do. Yes, it's hard on everyone and we become the "bad guy" and they're going to "hate us for the rest of their lives", but y'know what? That's life as a parent.
She's angry because of your divorce, I'm thinking. If your ex is not in the picture much or at all, she's feeling like she wants a "new life." And the first step to a new life is new name. You need to address the anger and possible abandonment issues she's experiencing before they get worse. It has nothing to do with changing her name. Not really. She just doesn't know where else to start. Threatening suicide is not something to take lightly. The defiance you've mentioned is also something that you need to address. Does she ever show signs of wanting to run away?
I'd just like to find a way to get her some help without having to let her change her name. People recommending therapy don't realize I've already tried that, she's really adamant about not wanting to go. I'm not sure how I'm going to convince her.
You've tried recommending therapy and she's adamant about not wanting to go.
As others have stated, you aren't parenting her. You've put her in charge and you're doing what she wants and now you want some suggestion that will allow her to get help without forcing you to be a parent, while convincing her not to change her name.
Sorry, but parenting isn't so easy. I would tell her that she's going for help because she did something very serious in pulling out a knife and threatening to kill herself. If she was bluffing, she won't do it again.
If you don't take her and she was bluffing, she'll continue to do that in order to get her way, as someone already pointed out.
And if she wasn't bluffing, she's in a very precarious situation requiring help long before she got to the point where she did what she did.
The bottom line is - either way, she needs help. That was not normal behavior and neither you or your friends know whether she was bluffing or not.
And apart from her, please get help for yourself, too. You need to learn how to take control in your own household. As it stands, it sounds like there are no adults living there at the moment.
Fifteen? It's only going to get worse. A lot worse.
Location: Foothills of Maryland Blue Ridge mountains
993 posts, read 768,626 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skylineofhope
What's the point of getting her professional help if she isn't willing to talk to anybody? Say I take her to a therapist, knowing her she's probably just going to sit there for an hour and not say anything. She's an extremely defiant young woman. In addition, if it hasn't got anything to do with her name then why has she been hounding me for 3 years straight?
Ellie is short for Eleanore, it was my late mother's name. Since the age of 2-3 my daughter absolutely despised Eleanore so we shortened it to Ellie, which for the record was a name she had no problem with until she was nearly 13. She wants to change it to Spencer and she wants her middle name (Jessica) to change to Valeria. I haven't met anyone ever under the name Valeria and the only Spencer I've ever been close with is my old male friend from high school. Those names have no personal meaning to me, they're completely random.
Good Lord. There is nothing stopping YOU from getting professional advice. Get yourself to a therapist and take it from there based on their counsel. You don't need advice from friends and strangers on the Internet. You need a professional to assess this situation. Now.
You said your daughter wants her middle name to be Valeria? Yeah, that means "to be healthy" and "to be strong" in Latin. I have a feeling your daughter knows that.
Lady, I think at this point your daughter's issues cut way deeper than what you think. They aren't as surface like as you're making them out to be. This is an outcry for help. Be a mother and HELP her.
She's angry because of your divorce, I'm thinking. If your ex is not in the picture much or at all, she's feeling like she wants a "new life." And the first step to a new life is new name. You need to address the anger and possible abandonment issues she's experiencing before they get worse. It has nothing to do with changing her name. Not really. She just doesn't know where else to start. Threatening suicide is not something to take lightly. The defiance you've mentioned is also something that you need to address. Does she ever show signs of wanting to run away?
She really hasn't shown any signs of wanting to run away, no. I don't think she'd be able to either, her whole life she's gotten everything handed to her on a silver platter and to be frank, I think I'm starting to agree with the people saying I need to be stricter and take her to a therapist whether she likes it or not. I think it's the only way. However, I don't know how productive it's going to be. I'll certainly try though.
My husband and I divorced when she was 8, it was a long time ago, she's turning 16 this month. I'm pretty sure that isn't why. He hasn't been in the picture in a very long time. I mean I hope it has nothing to do with changing her name because re-naming my child Spencer Valeria is something I'm never going to get used to. You're telling me it'd be easy for you to call your child something completely different than what you've been used to?
She's bluffing and using that behavior to manipulate you. Call her out on it and tell her to go ahead. Caving will enable her behavior even more. What else will she threaten to kill herself over if she doesn't get her way?
Oh and Spencer is a boys name, and not even a good one at that. She obviously can't make good decisions. Tell her she can go by Spencer all she wants at school but it won't be legally changed till she's 18.
She's bluffing and using that behavior to manipulate you. Call her out on it and tell her to go ahead. Caving will enable her behavior even more. What else will she threaten to kill herself over if she doesn't get her way?
Oh and Spencer is a boys name, and not even a good one at that. She obviously can't make good decisions. Tell her she can go by Spencer all she wants at school but it won't be legally changed till she's 18.
Yeah that's what my friends told me.
And yes I agree, the name Spencer really isn't the best choice. Not my favorite by any means either.
I'd just like to find a way to get her some help without having to let her change her name. People recommending therapy don't realize I've already tried that, she's really adamant about not wanting to go. I'm not sure how I'm going to convince her.
When someone grabs a knife and threatens to kill themselves, you get them to a hospital by whatever means necessary immediately. That's it. That's what you do. You don't blow it off.
You don't want her to change her name from what you think is a beautiful name. Well she doesn't find it so beautiful.
It doesn't matter if Spencer Valeria holds any meaning for you. It obviously does to her.
You claim to care about her but won't get her help when she threatens suicide in front of you. There's obviously more going on than just the name and if you don't deal with that then how will you feel when she does commit suicide? Blame it on the name change?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MPowering1
You've tried recommending therapy and she's adamant about not wanting to go.
As others have stated, you aren't parenting her. You've put her in charge and you're doing what she wants and now you want some suggestion that will allow her to get help without forcing you to be a parent, while convincing her not to change her name.
Sorry, but parenting isn't so easy. I would tell her that she's going for help because she did something very serious in pulling out a knife and threatening to kill herself. If she was bluffing, she won't do it again.
If you don't take her and she was bluffing, she'll continue to do that in order to get her way, as someone already pointed out.
And if she wasn't bluffing, she's in a very precarious situation requiring help long before she got to the point where she did what she did.
The bottom line is - either way, she needs help. That was not normal behavior and neither you or your friends know whether she was bluffing or not.
And apart from her, please get help for yourself, too. You need to learn how to take control in your own household. As it stands, it sounds like there are no adults living there at the moment.
Fifteen? It's only going to get worse. A lot worse.
Both of these.
And Spencer can be a girls name or a boys name. Not that it matters .
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